#146: Terrasses de la Bullshit

Robert Campeau scammed Canada with what looks like the brick-laden poops that Godzilla must get after consuming so many hipsters living in brownstone apartments.

Look at this fucking thing. If the Soviets ever threatened North America with nuclear war I would beg them to have mercy and just bomb this godforsaken architectural shart off the face of the Earth. It’s home to AANDC, so frankly the Soviets would be doing a lot of favors to a lot of people. But I digress.

Robert Campeau is, to be frank, a Canadian aristocrat with several megatons of coin. I mean, look at this fucking house. Anyways, he’s a fraud and a caker businessman, and apologies for the redundancy. Campeau’s rags-to-riches story starts with him frauding his way into an apprenticeship; skill, magic, and a healthy dose of bullshit got him into the Ottawa construction game during the 1970s. Remember this as I tell you of a seemingly unrelated story.

Pierre Trudeau was concerned intellectually and practically with the relationship between Canada and Quebec. In his way, he decided during the 1970s to start developing federal government buildings in Gatineau, which is just across the river from Ottawa. Now, Gatineau wasn’t a unified district or indeed even a single…thing. This is the list of stuff that became modern Gatineau, just so you know what we’re dealing with here. Yes, it’s in French. Yes, you can go fuck yourself and learn another language, doofus.

Aaaanyways, Pierre decided that a huge pile of government buildings needed to go in that pile of villages to foster relations between Quebec and Canada (or, if you’re Pierre Vallieres et al, it’s a colonialist usurpation of territory – up to you). Sadly, this pile of villages and shit hadn’t even had the foresight to become the boring, squalid squatlings of office buildings that it is today*, so Pierre needed someone to go and build a bunch of shit. But who? Who was in the business of building big, shitty buildings quickly? Campeau was already bitching about by-laws demanding that no building be bigger than the Peace Tower, so the guy knew big and he knew hideous. Then he got to know the Liberals.

Tragically for the future of Gatineau, Robert Campeau happened to know a few people. Like this guy. And this guy. And he was smart enough to get Pierre Trudeau a fuckton of popcorn, which is if nothing else a unique form of lobbying. So the $160 million dollar bid for Campeau’s Godzilla-turd of a building was accepted without competition or question. But because Pierre Trudeau is Literally Jesus in the caker conception of Canada the story of this squalid piece of shit goes unregarded and people live with a gorgeous, hilly terrain mired by patronage.

Oh, and did I mention AANDC, the Greatest Swindle of Them All, lurks in this thing? Like a maggot in shit. This is a small part of the reason why lionizing leaders is rarely a good idea, especially when they’re the ones bringing your Constitution home. Oh, and Campeau? He’s hiding in Germany after going bankrupt from the debt he bought by purchasing even more real estate. He tried to hide his assets by giving them to his wife, but…you know what? Let’s just give the final punch of this episode of Shit About Canada to the Yankees:

“Any corporate executive can figure out how to file for bankruptcy when the bottom drops out of the business. It took the special genius of Robert Campeau, chairman of the Campeau Corporation, to figure out how to bankrupt more than 250 profitable department stores. The dramatic jolt to Bloomingdale’s, Abraham & Straus, Jordan Marsh and the other proud stores reflects his overreaching grasp and oversized ego”

*I kind of like being in Gatineau, all told. I prefer it to Ottawa, to be sure.

#145: Oh, He’s So Hot…Pity He has a Cedar Plank for a Brain

Day One of the Justocalypse. The child stands about in Montreal’s metro system collecting selfies and handshakes while “thanking the Canadian people” (perhaps not the ones in Alberta who didn’t return a single Liberal after Daddy fucked Alberta over so hard that the West built its own Party, Reform, to get the fuck away from the fool, but hey) for being inept. Then he told us that Canada is pulling out of the ISIS mission, taking our antiquated rusty shit-ball CF-18 jets from 1983 and going home. This would be more amusing or interesting if he could do that, because as of that point Justin has as much control over the military as I do.

*Psst. Justin. You need to be invited to form government first, kid*

And how has Canada’s slop-bucket, the Moan and Wail, reacted? By telling us that the world thinks Justin Trudeau is sexually attractive. Seriously? First off, no – the world doesn’t care who the Prime Minister of Canada is for the same reason that it doesn’t care who the Prime Minister of Malta is (fun fact – Malta is a republic). How many Canadians can name the Italian Prime Minister, or the leadership in South Korea? Both of those are more important, larger, and more productive than Canada – shocking that cakers can’t name ’em. Sorry, my Cheeto-dust laden cakeramigo; if you can’t name the leader of South Korea, it can’t name yours. Anecdotally, my time in Malta was punctuated by hilarious questions about Barack Obama (4.1/5, would watch again) because the Maltese thought Canada was run by Obama.

So no, Globe. The world is not salivating over a middle-aged man just because cakers got their panties wet over Daddy 50 years ago. The world cared as much about Justin as it does about my morning shit. What you meant to say was that a few people, quite possibly Canadians abroad, commented on Justin and you blew it out of proportion to try to convince a public that is while impossibly stupid eventually going to realize that they elected the equivalent of a tire fire wearing a toupee. And what better way to raise caker spirits without doing anything than pretending that the others are noticing Canada and care about it? The post-colonial separation anxiety is real.

Then we heard from the still-living Margaret Trudeau, a former flower-child on par with Yoko Ono who just five years ago was depicted as a strung-out wash-out is back to make face-noises. Canada’s first lady went about in the 70s sleeping with anyone who would take her rich and decadent ass; now that her ass isn’t as perky, she’s been reduced to smoking the family trust fund. Funny that the Globe didn’t mention Marge’s extravagance when they ran the “Mommy’s proud of you” story as if Justin is grabbing his Transformers-themed lunch box to hop the bus to school.

So that was day 1 of the Justocalypse. The media continued to shine his knob and make up half-truths to support their chosen limp-dick puppet. Canada had a wank-session over pretending that the world matter, and Mommy got to write her love letter to Justin before school.

No sympathy – you voted for this.

#144: Louis St. Laurent and the Patchwork Canada

Fuck Louis St. Laurent.

This guy is a double-dinger of sloppy bullshittery. In a way, he’s the prototype for future Liberal fuckery throughout the rest of Canada’s history – manage the economy to the benefit of business interests that eventually get too cozy with Ottawa for the polity’s comfort. He was also an anti-Semite – Diefenbaker recalls his posting the first Jew to run the Bank of Canada, Louis Rasminsky, in part to spite St. Laurent. The fact that St. Laurent like King before him could barely contain his disdain for Western Canada probably didn’t help affairs much.

St. Laurent also oversaw Newfoundland. Holy shit, Newfoundland. See, here’s the thing – the Rock wasn’t too keen on joining Canada. In the first referendum of 1948 Newfoundland wisely voted to steer clear of the foul-smelling dumpster fire that is Canada but failed to hit 50%, triggering a run-off that managed to pull Newfoundland into the Vortex of Suck by a whopping 52.3%. There are of course folk allegations of fuckery in the ballot boxes, and there were movements calling for annexation by the United States expressly to avoid Canada’s Francophones.

Joey Smallwood’s role is obviously paramount to the whole thing. But, see, St. Laurent’s annexation of Newfoundland was definitely assisted by British/Canadian propaganda efforts and those folktales about fraud are a testament to the lack of legitimacy Canada suffers on the Rock. Danny Williams ordered the Canadian flags taken down over Newfoundland’s government buildings over fiscal disputes. Clearly, Newfoundland has some (likely pickled – the place has a drunken reputation) national sentiment. Which St. Laurent ignores because 52% close enough. Can’t leave with 52%, but you can join with it. Hotel California much?

He also oversaw the creation of the Trans-Canada Highway, a road which is so useful that it doesn’t go to the most populous part of the country it’s claiming to be ‘trans’-ing. His other brilliant mega-projects, the now obsolete Saint Lawrence Seaway (which is due for expansion in 2030) and the Trans-Canada Pipeline both continued to demonstrate Canadian planning skills by being entirely obsolete and in the latter case prone to leaking and exploding because why the fuck not.

Louis ran a fairly tight ship save for the typical Canadian patronages, but there’s no real way to praise a guy whose legacy is useless to a sizeable portion of the population, in her mega-projectiness rendered moot by global trade patterns, and prone to egg-farting your house to oblivion. When you build shit, you should also build in protocols to maintain the thing you just built.

Or you can be a Liberal and promise a brave new world in just a few megaprojects that happen to assist their business and dynastic interests. Just as how building huge highways with no funds to repair them was a solid idea to the Canadian mind, the caker is blinded by the prospect of someone noticing it for some kind of feat only to discover that said feat is indistinguishable in modernity from the pipelines built by Khrushchev.

Oh, and taking in a province willy-nilly without addressing seriously the protocols for entry and exit from Canada. That would have been helpful.

#143 – The Job Fairy, Part Eight: The R Word

English Canada is scared of what our national broadcasters couldn’t be bothered to spell and thus called “the R word“. Yes, people – we have devolved to the point where our best defense against another fucking recession (after the last one that we totally recovered from with the awesome trifecta of subprime mortgages, unstable staple resources, and a housing market most in the sane world are staying well away from) is just not saying the word recession. It’s not a recession – it’s a Canadian correction! And Canada’s madness ensures that Canada reacts to it by doing exactly the same things that got them into trouble in the first place.

We honestly have a situation here where Ottawa is falling over itself to provide tax shelter to the liquified natural gas sector of the make-believe nonconomy of British Columbia, because staple resources are nothing short of genius even though the province next door is experiencing economic meltdown akin to Toht’s face in Raiders of the Lost Ark precisely because it overleaned on staple resources. We have a continuation of overvalued condos, precarious labor markets, and hidden inflation. Ontario is using Bay Street bankers and lawyers to cold-store and sell of Hydro One – to Bay Street investors, bankers, and their ilk.

Here’s a question for you: outside of “because jobs”, what economic benefit comes from short-term bursts of ersatz growth? Because that’s what we’re building here. Will Toronto’s housing market and Vancouver’s condos remain absurdly overpriced forever more as more and more are crushed out from those cities by sheer costs? How is liquified natural gas any different from Alberta’s oil system, especially when there’s little evidence that anyone has learned anything from the lesson of literally a few months ago? How does any of this help small, rusted-over towns that aren’t experiencing the magic burst in manufacturing that the Bank of Canada seems to expect and can’t reasonably be expected to with populations who have long since hung up their tools or moved on?

This is what ad-hoc looks like – a smattering of fiscal steroids that leave our provinces, cities, and regions with aching bones and tiny balls. I’ve been reading a lot about the differences between streets and roads, where streets are local economic engines and roads and methods of transit between economic engines. Canada, like the United States, has a fixation on stroads – hybrid abominations that work at cross-purposes and thus can’t be serious generators of any sort of growth. Our cities are choked with them (that’s why they’re cultureless morasses) and our economic logic is entirely predicated on mega-project magic-bullets that will totally work this time you guys because reasons.

The real solution to Canada’s problems lies in brutal, critical honesty. We have to get over the Staples Trap that we’ve been falling into for the last 150 years. There’s a reason most settler-dominated countries turf their colonial economic policies as quickly as they can and opt to do something more useful. For whatever reasons, Canada refuses to make this crucial jump. It holds so much back – our relations with the Indians and actually following the Constitution, the brutal work that will be fixing Canada’s completely broken, stroad-ridden cities, honest cultural development – the whole thing. Canada is in no small part useless because it reacts like this to economic downturn.

The Greeks had the balls to turn away from an obviously untenable economic model, earning derision and scorn for daring to take care of themselves. It was honestly kind of inspiring to see the Greeks saying that their beloved country had seen enough non-starter austerity. Canada, by contrast, lacks the courage to even build things worthy of being cared about, far less the ability to speak honestly about what’s happening here.

The R word, indeed. I can think of another R word to define this trouser-stain.

#140 – AMERIKKKA, Part Nine: Militarization and Fear

RCMP™ Musical Sunset Ceremonial Ride. Sounds so lovely, no? The Mounties™ and their silly costumes riding about in formation so as to amuse tourists and locals alike. What a nice way to end the day with little Timmy the Hockey Squire and Carol the Defeated Hockey Mom. The Brits, Americans, French, and others all have some sort of parade or show highlighting the talents and skills of their servicemen. Why am I bringing the hammer down on this?

Wait what? What in the everloving fuck is this? Was there an attack on the ponies? Who would attack The Mounties™? Well, besides the everyone horribly wronged by them, but-

Oh. That’s part of the show, you say? Yes, ladies and gentlemen. In a country that derides Americans as over-jingoistic fuckbears, we have the most embarrassingly useless police force in the developed world playing take-down-the-bad-guys before a magical, musical pony ride. I’m sure glad children and potentially mentally-unwell veterans and victims are seeing mock-ups of militarized terrorist takedowns, complete with stun and smoke grenades, before what is billed as a family-friendly event. Because nobody in a country that prides itself on taking in refugees has ever experienced a black-bagging police operation, right? The booming voice telling you that this is “keeping Canada safe” and literally reciting the pledge immigrants make when they move to Canada isn’t jingoistic at all!

What’s stunning (pun not intended) is that an event that allegedly left children crying is being billed as…are you ready…? Recruitment. Yes – the RCMP is so desperate for people to not do anything that it will scar your children and potentially bring horrible memories back to those in the audience for the sake of a few people going “oooooh” like troglodytes. To be fair, these are Canadians and thus the RCMP may well be accurately representing the average caker intellect, but Jesus guys. The RCMP defends this on the basis that it’s only 4 minutes, presumably while teabagging n00bsxorz and banging your mom on Xbox Live, and that four minutes of random terror doesn’t do anything to anyone. And they’ve been at it for years so shut up sissies.

Here’s a quote from the link above:

“ERT has been part of the Sunset Ceremonies in Ottawa for approximately 10 years,” RCMP spokesperson Harold Pfleiderer told the National Post in an emailed statement. “It is to show the public an example of the RCMP’s operational response capability in its role as Canada’s national police. The ERT demonstration is not part of Musical Ride performances anywhere other than at Sunset Ceremonies in Ottawa.”

Remember – for all this stupidity and hoo-rah bullshit, this is still a police force that let a lone shooter into the Parliament buildings. The one that doesn’t bother solving murder cases. The one that Tasered a guy to death. That RCMP. You’re trying to convince me that you know what you’re doing by scarring children and playing Call of Duty: Bullshit?

…Actually, yeah. That’s about what I would imagine a group of munsons as pathetic as The Mounties™ doing, really. Good job, morons – keep solving make-believe crimes rather than actual ones. That’s the same as working on the many failings of The Mounties™, right?

#139 – Canadian Storytime, Part Six: Chemical Valley

When you think about chemicals causing damage to children, what sort of places are you thinking about? Chernobyl, perhaps? Or those tragic pictures of Central Asian children playing in and among industrial waste? Well, here’s a new one – this is the story of Aamjiwnaang, Ontario, the front-line sufferers from nearby Sarnia’s Chemical Valley who have to crowdfund their water and soil testing because the Ontario government can’t be arsed to consider that maybe something is wrong with a group of people having one of the highest gender imbalances on Earth. 40% of the women there report miscarriages and stillbirths, a staggering figure. The massive, 100-block sized petrochemical facility provides something on the order of 40% of Canada’s finalized petrol products and produces more air pollution than Manitoba and Saskatchewan. And nestled in the middle of the asscrack of consumer society is…surprise! Indians!

Oh, and don’t you worry – there has never been a federal or provincial evaluation of the matter even though the 2:1 ratio of baby girls to baby boys is most commonly seen in badly-toxified animal populations and has no human equivalent. Yes, folks – Canada out-Soviet’d the Soviet Union with hideous pollution. And then they used the Indian Act’s fell pressures to make people live in the middle of the source and experience exciting events like that time a Shell plant farted out some hydrogen sulfide, which wound up at the reserve day-care. Shockingly, exposing young children to what was once a chemical weapon resulted in horrible pain and illness that was misdiagnosed and thus mistreated because Shell refused to acknowledge that the weird eggy smell was them.

Let’s get something straight here. Gassing people you claim as your own citizens is generally frowned upon. Can you really call the Chippewa and others here citizens when they live under a constant state of siege which in turn comes from the very government claiming them as citizens? That question is more than another example of Canada’s bad faith; if some tribe in Awfuckistan got on Al-Jazeera or whatever and said that the state is encouraging de facto gas attacks on our people I would suspect plenty of rage. This is the stuff cakers go insane about when America (sorry, AmeriKKKa) literally destroys a Palestine or whatever it is the nu-left is claiming. And it’s happening here. And the fucking cakers can’t be arsed to provide actual testing to the point where the population has to beg for money online.

Chemical Valley was placed where it was because the city of Sarnia would have been gassed out of existence otherwise – think My Little Bhopal. Heaven forbid the settlers be in any danger! Well, except for the dangers that come with living in the most polluted city in Canada, but suburbs for settlers grow wherever Canada commands they sprout. Obviously, this place is worth putting on the currency (it once befouled the $10 bill) and then totally ignoring save for the “well then don’t use oil LOL” comments that invariably come from these sorts of commentaries. Oh, and the Indians do have work here – they’re the ones who tell the government that there’s a leak, not the businesses who actually run the plants. Apparently, demanding businesses not recreate World War One over the Great Lakes is too much to ask of Canada’s brilliant business classes.

#129 – Canada’s Veiled Problem: Behind the Linguistic Curtain

Quebec is so evil that it wants to ban religious iconography in the public sector which means that they are meanie poopieheads who hate Canada!

Of course, Quebec is the only province in Canada with a pulse. Seeing problems with both receiving government services while veiled and providing said while veiled, Quebec has moved twice now to fix this problem and both times has had to eat English Canadian accusations of racism and “Islamophobia” (which, frankly, doesn’t sound unwise in a global context). Who knew that it would be tough to identify people if their faces are covered? I suppose if ever there was a logic to having your knuckles tattooed with your name on them, this would be it. Shockingly enough, the federal government is all for this reform.

Which is of course why Trudeau must stand in the way and pout about how his feelings about other peoples’ feelings were hurt because his feelings are so feelsy that they feel other feels before the other person can even feel the feels Trudeau feels for them. Useless phrases like “anti-women” and “#notallmuslims” or whatever nonsense nu-left ploy has been deployed from our worthless English university diversity leagues. Fear not, non-white master race! Professional student activists are here to “save” people who neither asked for nor needed saving from nebulous “oppression”, meaning whatever make-believe our professional student activists decided on last meeting. Rather than endlessly bandying about a worthless nugget of feels-laden crap, Quebec wants to answer the question. Your veil is fine but the polis has the right to demand that you take it off.

But the fed has an extra layer of 4Chan autistry to add. See, the reason Tim “I was totally born with the name Tim” Uppal supports the Quebecois tactic of crushing an irrelevant non-debate by thinking about it and coming up with a solution based on the principles of governance that they wish to espouse is because…are you ready for it…? He’s afraid that immigrants can’t show their loyalty to Canada during immigration ceremonies. Not because there’s an overarching concept of relations between state and person that Canada wishes to follow, not because the unhelpful “debate” about niqabs and ikons and whether or not Jews can practice near gyms is distracting from fixing the Apartheid system that still exists here – no. It’s to make sure that immigrants really mean it when they say that they love Canada.

There’s a brilliant metaphor for the reasonings behind both cakers and Quebecois here. The latter are, as I said, working from a playbook of ideas as to how they want Quebec to work and to get a non-issue out of the way by helping to define relationships. English Canada is working on the question so it can decide whether immigrants really super love Canada or just regular love Canada and from there presumably figure out whether the veil is allowed here, there, or a thousand other unimportant places. While the Quebecois try to actually make their home a better place, Canada is simply playing at window dressing. And it can’t even do that without political children coming to cry and whinge about their newest hashtag campaign.

#128 – Johnny Macdingus’ All-Canadian Legacy, Part Four: Dynasties in Canada

English Canada’s Stephen Harper (because English Canada is what brought us Steve and what maintains the Steve) has lost two of his Politburo – John Baird, who broke cool-down laws by joining Barrick Gold two months after he was busy trying to use the Department of Foreign Affairs and International Trade and Sempai Notice Me to push Barrick’s rapey, stabby business model through Central and South America, and Peter Mackay. And so marks another rung in the Mackay dynasty’s political crown.

But what of Pete and why? His dynastic riding, once held by his father Elmer Mackay (whose best trait was his ability to stay mired in the same muck as people like the disturbing Karlheinz Schreiber) is one of many, many, many political positions in Canada where patronage becomes a family business. Like the remains of Chilliwack – Fraser Valley, which went from Chuck Strahl to Mark Strahl, Underwhogivesafuck of Indian Affairs or Whatever They’re Calling Themselves This Week.

Entire provinces can be likewise transferred from father to son, like Prince Edward Island’s Ghiz family. After a 14-year interregnum, the son Robert Ghiz took up the Premier’s scepter from Joe Ghiz. Various Cabinet posts can likewise make the genetic hop, as Paul Martin Sr. and Paul Martin Jr. learned when the two of them held a collection of four Cabinet posts (including my favorite, Minister Without Portfolio). Degenerate bag of subhuman filth John Macdonald helped to create crotchspawn named Hugh Macdonald, who took over as Premier of Manitoba and proved his family mettle by failing in less than a year. In Ontario, Dalton Sr., Dalton Jr., and Dave McGuinty all got their asses in Queen’s Park’s chair for Ottawa South. From the Nixons Harry and Robert in Ontario to the brothers McLeod in the Northwest Territories, political dynasties are the norm in Canada.

And that’s a real fucking problem. I mean, look at this lot of losers. The Elder Jizz in PEI was responsible for taking a $300 million bribe for highway construction (read: losing shit-tons of money to private contractors) in exchange for abandoning its train system. Elmer Mackay hung out with his friend Karlheinz Schreiber and managed to not be dinged for corruption, a testament I believe about as much as I can throw it underwater. I mean, look at this lot of failures – these are the people you want to run your country? A bunch of quasi-aristocrats rolling in family money and suffering no ill-consequences to the horrible decisions and terrible management of their forefathers and relations despite demonstrating nothing even close to a difference between themselves and their ancestors?

Forget rotton boroughs or the American problem of low rates of election losses in the House of Representatives. This is a much worse problem – to be simple about it, political families are free to weave themselves into business (as the Fords did in Toronto) and act on their family’s power rather than their own skills. The result is a bunch of idiot wankers too entitled to know that they’re useless and too connected to ever be replaced. And if they are, don’t worry – someone in the private sektor has a sinecure for them!

#126 – What in the Fuck is Wrong With: Canadian Tourists?

I’m back, Caker-haters! And boy, do we have a topic for you.

English Canadians don’t know how to tourist. They expect the rest of the world to believe in the make-believe shield of Do No Wrong that English Canadians assume exists and proceed to make utter asses of themselves. Drunkeness is a real problem and Canadians are regarded as boorish and idiotic when going abroad. Here’s a report of a Canadian outright killing an old lady, because nothing reflects more highly on a population than throwing 73-year old women to the ground on a flight of stairs. Don’t worry – that person wasn’t charged.

See, cakers are lumped with the Worst Tourists of Ever – AMERIKKKA – in the eyes of the world. But that obviously would destroy the English Canadian ego so they cannot possibly see any similiarities between themselves. So, even though the rest of the world rightly collapses English Canadians into the American fold Canadians assume that they are somehow better than American tourists. You know that you’re with a group of special snowflakes when you see Canadian flags on every square inch of the traveling caker. Seriously – English Canadians are the only people I have ever seen who feel the need to inform everyone of where they’re from. They honestly expect to be treated better because they stopped at the dollar store to put a maple leaf on something. This is as stupid as a lucky rabbit’s foot but it’s Canadian so it must be okay!

Meanwhile, Canadians are taking naked pictures at ancient sites, Heiling the Reichstag, sexing up little boys, stealing from priceless cultural artifacts, and generally being cockburglers of the highest calibre. And remember, it doesn’t matter that Canadian tourists are drunks, idiots, and expect their feet to be kissed the minute any local discovers that they’ve got the Iron-On Canadian Flag of + 10 obliviousness – AMERIKKKA is worse, you guys! It’s in the stereotype! Never mind that Piet Mondrian’s Composition with Red and Blue in New York got puked on by a Canadian “performance artist” or that sidewalks the world over get a splattering of maple-hurl because Canadians are also a profoundly drunk people – AMERIKKKA is worse, so Canada is amazing at touristing!

Of course, English Canadians are on the whole deeply insensitive and boorish – remember when I shared that piece speaking to how genocide isn’t that bad because reasons? They don’t understand iconic buildings and ancient culture because they have neither and so the most logical thing for the English-Canadian ego to do is to get wasted. Is there small wonder that Cuban and Mexican resorts are so full of booze and so popular with cakers?

I have a theory that the Cuban and Mexican people know how idiotic Canadians and others who come to their home are and so contain the idiocy within resorts. They know that Canadians have no interest in local food or indeed in anything to do with the locale unless it involves fellating Canada or being a douchey tourist, so they contain the stupid in forsaken resorts and try to get on their lives on the other side of the resort’s walls. They aren’t protecting Canadians – they’re keeping the fucks contained so they don’t destroy everything.

#125 – Getting Schooled, Part Eight: The Truth

Yesterday, Canada had a watershed moment as it was forced to talk about the genocidal operation of residential schools and the horrors they inflicted upon children. We’ve gone from murdering puppies to abusing children, folks. Naturally, Canada sat at rapt attenti-HAHAHA! Sorry – I tried. No, Canada visited the report with snores and racism, including our very own version of Holocaust denial (warning: link may cause permanent brain damage). Let’s take a look at Canada’s reaction to its equivalent to the Holocaust.

Oh, and yes. I am equating this event to the Holocaust. Canada was organized and the state designed to invoke a Final Solution here. The fact that Canada produced an inferior genocide machinery to Nazi Germany is immaterial to the fact that Canada produced, maintained, and enacted a Final Solution. Fuck you, National Post article.

Stephen Harper:

Reacted by saying that he wouldn’t be bringing Canada up to the UN’s standard, the Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous People.

Refused to acknowledge the Commission’s finding that the schools were an active part of a genocide.

Will not commit to following any of the TRC’s 94 provisions.

The Canadian Government:

Provided constant legal challenges to the TRC collecting documents, wasting years and millions of dollars on legal fees for information that had to get out anyways.

Sent the Minister of Indian Affairs, who couldn’t even be bothered to stand for the Commission when they were about to deliver their final report.

Set aside $1m to protect the documentation of the TRC and another $1m for education regarding the residential schools, an amount five times less than the amount provided to earthquake-ridden Nepal and 210 times less than the amount Canada set aside for its 150th birthday.

Justin Trudeau:

Promised to outline all 94 recommendations of the TRC, including the ones that aren’t federal responsibilities. How he intends to circumvent the federal/provincial divide is unknown. Political football? Justin? No way!!

Thomas Mulcair:

Said little, called for passing of law to mirror the Declaration on on the Rights of Indigenous People.

This is, of course, the day after Canada came to the official conclusion that it committed genocide by targetting children. A little muted, no? Just like what happened in 2008, when Stephen Harper pulled his apology stageplay and then proceeded to continue the Canadian government’s policy of repression, Canada will pretend to notice and then hope to forget. I’m still reading the TRC but the reaction to it certainly was an all-Canadian one – rather than acknowledging the massive Constitutional holes regarding Indian rights, the frankly insane legal position that Indian sovereignty died in 1873 (which is, of course, why Latvia and Poland no longer exist, as international norms clearly dictate “neener-neener, we took it so it’s ours forever now”) and the fact that the country is a treaty sandwich (Quebec and BC are outside the Numbered Treaties), let’s instead defend ourselves and do exactly what Murray Sinclair said wouldn’t work – idly talking about the problem.

Fucking Canada. You got a rare second chance and you totally blew it.