#199 – Confederation was a Crock of Shit

The story of Confederation is not an easy one to tell, and because of this caker logic has filled the narrative gaps in Canada’s formation with revisionistic mortar and a solemn promise to not delve any further into the topic. The make-believe surrounding Confederation is so absurd that I couldn’t help but cite this crystal-clear instance of caker doublethink. I want to direct your attention to these two lines within the above-linked piece:

The historical moment we will commemorate next Saturday is Confederation — a bunch of old white guys signing a document that bound a loose collection of provinces controlled by the British Empire into a vague and discontented unity without the slightest consideration of or participation by the First Peoples…

Confederation was an attempt at compromise between peoples within a unified political framework.

Problem, Stephen: the “compromising” parties are making compromises on occupied land. Hitler and Stalin compromised on the partitioning of Poland. And instead of acknowledging foundational problems like segregation of blacks in the Maritimes and, y’know, the Indian Act, this guy decides to try and sneak the word “peoples” into the notion of compromise while noting directly that Indigenous peoples had no input and imputing that they were the victims of this “compromise” is a wonderful way to pay the white-guilt penance while trying to gloss over its implications.

So that’s the kind of doublethink we have to contend with – a bunch of unsubtle attempts to brush Canada’s unsavory past under a polite, mundane little rug. Let’s list off some of the actual stories of Confederation:

  • Nova Scotia elected an anti-Confederation government and appealed for the reversal of Confederation
  • Despite Canada’s interest in them Newfoundland and P.E.I would resist attempts at annexation
  • Quebec was practically held hostage with the prospect of greater local authority
  • The British were sick of supporting a bunch of useless podunk colonies whose useful purpose (the fur trade) had been expended and hoped that amalgamation would provide cost savings

First up, Nova Scotia. In September of 1867 there was an election in Nova Scotia, wherein 36 of the 38 elected to the lower house were against Confederation. Joseph Howe even went so far as to appeal to the Throne to reverse Confederation. Even better – Charles Tupper, the useless sack of shit I wrote about long ago? Yeah, that asshole was the leader of the legislative assembly and approved Nova Scotia’s annexation immediately before that election result where his ideas and shitty plan were rejected wholesale by the people of the province. Because London said “no takebacks lol”, Nova Scotia was dragged by sleight of hand into Canada. Such a lovely compromise – the obvious will of the people subverted by a guy who would gain personally from the Confederated project.

As a side-note, the phrasing of the government-written link I listed above there is kind of odd: “After failing to secure a repeal of Confederation in 1868, Howe recognized the futility of further protests”, it reads. Protest is futile. You will be assimilated.

Next, Newfoundland. It’s worth noting that Macdingus the Drunk and his motley synod of synchophants, sadsacks, jesters, fools, and profiteers sought more than just the four provinces they managed to absorb into their shitty idea. Indeed, Newfoundland has always taken to Canadian identity tenuously, and despite electing a pro-Confederation government led by Frederick Carter in 1865 the Anti-Confederation Party of Newfoundland under Charles Fox Bennett would win in 1869, and the issue died on its feet.

Another swing and a miss for Confederation came from Prince Edward Island (in fact, the only province in Atlantic Canada to willingly cotton to Confederation the first time was New Brunswick, and even they’re saying that they’ve gotten a raw deal), whose Premier James Colledge Pope basically called Canada’s bluff and demanded more money while also holding (ultimately pointless, because P.E.I would need royal assent in order to do again; the Crown straitjacketing her colonies into line is a common theme to Confederation, you see) negotiations with the United States that ultimately scared more funding out of Ottawa. It was ultimately a failed railroad project that would force P.E.I to take Ottawa’s money and sell itself into mendacious mediocrity.

On to Quebec, a province which was forced into Confederation by way of that most classic point of Canadiana, failing civic governance caused by civic failure. This piece from Claude Bélanger at Marianopolis College speaks to the hostage-taking that transpired in Quebec. With the previous mechanisms shackling Quebec to Ontario collapsing and increasingly unable to function, the terms of a new union had to be made. Indeed, there were elements overtly supporting annexation into the United States, like the Parti Rouge. And despite Quebec’s powerful landed English elites and having few alternatives, 40% of the population still voted against Confederation. At some point the rational calculus of the Quebecois voter turned to “turds all around me, and I’d rather faceplant into any other cowpie than the caker cowpie”. Fantastic compromising skills, Stephen!

And finally, the big ugly truth rumbling underneath the entire Confederate project. This is the point cakers hate to be reminded of, in no small part because Canada becomes a lot less romantic when it is revealed to be a child of accounting more than anything else. I’ve been pointing to several instances of the English royalty effectively enforcing Confederation, and the reason for that is simple – the British didn’t want to pay for the defense of Canada. The British too brought their finest Mafioso techniques: Ged Martin writes of the bind that the erstwhile Confederates found themselves in, writing that there would be “a question mark” over British committment to Canada should the union not succeed.

All this is to say that this week’s narratives, complete with bait-and-switch white-guilt tithes and eager to forget how fractuous, non-consenting, and unsatisfying Confederation has been for all of its members save Ontario. Fully 30% of the provinces were bribed into union; with Nova Scotia being hoodwinked and Quebec choosing out of desperation, at least half of Canada had serious doubts about the very idea of Canada. Be sure to remember that when some mouthbreathing caker claims that “Canada was built on orderly negotiation”, because it fucking wasn’t.

Fuck John Macdonald, and fuck Canada.


#195: The Strange Tale of Amor De Cosmos

Oh, have I been relishing this moment for a long time. One of the benefits of living in a country as massive and disunited as Canada is that I rarely have to give a shit about any provinces. Here in Ontario it’s kind of assumed that you came from Ontario or from another country because Ontario has a very weak provincial identity by virtue of fact that it sees itself as “Canada writ small”. British Columbia is nothing but provincial swagger, which is perhaps the single most annoying kind of swagger in existence. If Canadian pride is bush-league know-nothing bullshit coupled with smug self-assuredness, imagine how much worse that pride gets when affixed to a province. Cakers are a smug people, but even among the cakers British Columbia is known for  how fucking smug it is. Which makes tearing down this province a particular joy. And what better way to start that task than by ripping apart the precious mythology that British Columbia was destined to join Canada?

(S) Spoilers: a bear in a Victorian costume is involved.

Fortunately for us, it’s not hard to tear down that myth. The province was cursed to join Canada by the hilariously-named Amor De Cosmos. De Cosmos was an advocate for unifying all of Britain’s North American colonies because he felt humiliated by the idea that he was to “die a tadpole British colonist“, without the same rights and sense of nationhood that those in the United Kingdom had. He was a key proponent of unifying Vancouver Island and British Columbia and pushed for British Columbia’s entry into Confederation. I always love showcasing how little interest there was for a united Canada in the early years. In fact, a petition was sent to Washington, DC in 1869 seeking annexation by the United States. And though British Columbia’s government was not especially democratic, the Confederation-focused forces were crushed in 1868’s elections:

In the November votes, pro-confederation candidates were successful on the mainland but not on Vancouver Island. There they were defeated by an alliance of the governmental and HBC élites, who upheld the status quo, with the European-born businessmen who favoured annexation to the United States rather than to Canada. De Cosmos was himself defeated in Victoria City…The next meeting of the Legislative Council reflected these results. The colonial officials and magistrates who made up the majority joined with Vancouver Island anti-confederates in passing a motion calling confederation “undesirable, even if practicable.” Only the five popular members from the mainland dissented.

But what could save the Confederation project and ensure that British Columbia wouldn’t experience the horrors of being a part of a successful and relevant country? Two things: the realization that the British didn’t give a shit about BC, and Canada basically buying the place with promises of a railway and debt relief. As British interest in defending a distant port in the middle of nowhere faded, BC knew that if it wanted the protection of the Royal Navy (and if it wanted to ever be able to repay its debts) it would have to sign up with the nearest polity of stinking Englishmen. Canada seemed to fit the bill, so BC shacked up with the fat, balding ass that we call Canada.

(S) If everything in this picture is purchased on credit this is the Cliff Notes version of BC’s entry into Confederation

In typical Canada fashion, the terms of the agreement were pretty loosely followed. The railroad project upon which the deal hinged went so poorly that De Cosmos threatened to seek annexation by the United States if Ottawa wasn’t going to get its shit together. De Cosmos would ultimately be deposed and removed from politics because he dared to suggest that Canadians should act less like Brits and try to instead formulate its own coherent collection of identities. Oh, and he also went insane.

Next up, we’ll watch the relationship between floozie province and sugar daddy country devolve into the slithering form it takes today. Stay tuned!

#188 – Anne of Grim Gables

I haven’t beaten up yet on Canada’s tiniest and most useless province – Prince Edward Island. How bad is it? Well, it sucked harder at providing a solid quality-of-life than two of the three territories in 2012. Given how unthinkably fucked the North is, this does not bode well for PEI. Coincidentally, people are leaving the island in droves, citing reasons like the place being boring, cultureless, and filled with noxious dudebros. One in six children on PEI live in poverty and the issue hasn’t received attention in at least 25 years. An island that seriously brands itself on its potato crop has a 25% incidence of childhood food insecurity. How do you fuck up this badly and how can anyone fix this mess?

(s) The world’s largest egg-beater probably won’t help.

Prince Edward Island, like British Columbia only joined Confederation because of debt. This is rather funny considering that Charlottetown is hailed as the “Cradle of Confederation”. Revisionism starts as soon as the island is forced into the Canadian fold. Never mind that Canada took on the island’s debt or that Prince Edward Island was also seriously considering joining the United States. Better not think about the fact that 20% of Canada’s provinces effectively joined the union out of debt bondage, because that isn’t shucks-golly approved! That the Canada connection is a central part of Prince Edward Island’s self-branding is a fascinating display of caker doublethink and revisionism in action. It’s almost impressive how quickly and ably Canadians erase their pasts.

When all the Anne of Green Gables crap is scraped off of the place PEI reveals itself to be rather less wistful and rather more unhealthful. Here’s a letter to the editor decrying the obscene difficulty associated with finding a doctor on the island. Prince Edward Island is dealing with both a crippling shortage of nurses and a debilitating lack of doctors. Six year ago there were problems associated with getting prescriptions filled, too. And just like in the North doctors and frontline care are being ground to dust without adequate support. Speaking of not having any support, Prince Edward Island has a critical lack of foster parents. Wonder if that has anything to do with PEI’s longstanding policy of not having abortions on the island, a policy which only ended this year?

Anyways, PEI is also full of hicks and idiots. And food prices have gone up nearly 40% in eight years, which doesn’t exactly scream successful policy-making. It also doesn’t seem like planning is a priority for the island, seeing as how they couldn’t be bothered to keep their provincial legislative building structurally sound. Who knew that a Maritime island gets rained on or that buildings require protection ftom rain? Similar planning acumen can be seen in PEI’s lobster fishery, which apparently is benefitting from climate change and high prices only to suffer a bad season because of weather. It’s almost like mindless extraction isn’t the way to prosperity. Not like Canada will figure that out this century.

Like most provinces in Canada Prince Edward Island is dependent on seasonal production, tourism from people who don’t know any better, and extractive industry. Shitty frozen French fries and potato chips were made on the island, though the McCains (another loathsome Canadian family that will definitely get its time in court here on Shit about Canada) have closed their fry-making slop-shop up. The other operator in the frozen food business, the one that’s still around, is called Cavendish Farms and is owned by – wait for it! – the Irvings! Yes, nothing says Canada quite like caker business. Amazing how caker business always seems to turn up in regions that have no hope of attracting anything less parasitic.

And there it is. Prince Edward Island is dangerously unprepared, reliant on unpredictable industries headed by cakers with a proven track record of being shitwands, doesn’t plan properly, and uses an edited version of itself to sell Canadians on a trip to the middle of nowhere. Its social indicators are poor, its people are fleeing in droves to the rest of Canada, and Canadians are busy not giving a shit about tiny, tiny PEI.

I think the islanders would have been better off with the Yankees. Just saying.




#187 – Moving Displays of Uselessness

The governments of Canada and the provinces have long enjoyed the concept of relocation. Relocating people in theory may have made sense in some contexts; there are always apologists waiting in the wings to paint Canada as an altruistic, loving figure. But the methods behind the madness, including cutting services and leaving people with no support in their new “home”, make apologies die in any reasonable person’s throat. Shockingly, Canada has a record of doing forced relocations in a hap-hazard, painful way. I can’t possibly fathom how that could be. Canada? Being evil towards its own people? No way!

Naturally, Canada needed to get the more brutal displays of evil down before it could get to the real meat and potatoes of malice like splitting families and using the disparate parts as human flagpoles. Given Canada’s long, ignoble track record of shitting on brown people the Indigenous were stop number one on Canada’s Tour of Sadness. Here are the Cree charging Canada both with having forced relocations of their people (with severe negative repercussions) in the past and with neglecting this point in modern Indigenous negotiation. And if you think that’s a new phenomenon check out this paper on the savagery inflicted upon the Sayisi Dene, who were evacuated in the span of hours in the name of stopping a claimed decline in caribou populations…that ended up not existing. The Sayisi Dene were shipped to Northern Manitoba and promptly ignored until half of their population died in 20 years, two-thirds of whom were killed violently. There are concentration camps with lower kill rates, guys.

But what would Canada be without its multiculturalism? That’s right, friends. Canada was ready to bring the prospect of forced, uncoordinated relocation to people of all stripes! Of course, Canada saved its most sadistic cruelty for the Indigenous, because that’s what Canada does when it isn’t either ignoring the Indigenous or trying to tokenize their existence into history-baubles. There’s still that time Canada wanted to experiment with integrating the Inuit into the wage economy and to that end closed a Moravian settlement named Hebron without the slightest bit of information or planning time given to the Inuit. Not like Canada having plans gave the relocated any reason to smile – ask Japanese-Canadians. On the other side of the spectrum we have Canada’s “ah, fuck it” method of beinging the pain to communities on full display with Africville, which suffered decades of neglect from the governments of Halifax and Nova Scotia and was torn down as onlookers looked on in horror! Even white people got to lose under Canadian relocation projects – Newfoundlanders who abandoned their untenable fishing villages found themselves without work in the “designated growth areas” that planners had suggested. See? Multiculturalism: anyone of any race can get fucked with the long salty dong of Canadian incompetence and then be told to forget that it happened. I bet the Cadets don’t teach this stuff either.

Before we close up here, I need to put some basics down to close out my argument. My problem is not that Canada relocated people; there are cases, like in Newfoundland, where communities had been built for single-resource extraction that simply no longer worked. But between Canada moving people for selfish reasons (the Inuit “human flagpoles” and the Cree), Canada misreading evidence and in the process nearly slaughtering an entire people (the Sayisi Dene), Canada simply not bothering to tell people that their homes were to be moved (Hebron), Canada’s incredible lapse in moral judgement (which is often revised out of Canada’s hoo-rah war stories), Canada neglecting segments of the population until they are simply forced to move (Africville and, come to think of it most of these examples), and Canada inventing systems and infrastructure that just didn’t work (Newfoundland), Canada has definitely shit the bed on the file. If I were to give Canada an award for its efforts it would look like this:







#183 – #RealChange Muzzles the Past (for Make Good People of Greatest Canada)

All history was a palimpsest, scraped clean and reinscribed exactly as often as was necessary.” – Not a good government (actually, this line is from Nineteen-Eighty Four)

Today in cartoonishly-idiotic activities by our one and only Senor Hairpiece we have the erasure of history. Wait, that’s basically all Canada does. Well, here’s an example of Justin doing what Canada does best: erasing its past to ensure gearning smiles for the future. Remember Stephen Harper? Well, Google doesn’t anymore. Wanna learn about why Harper was a hated Prime Minister through first-hand evidence? Well, fuck you. Who needs evidence when you have Justin and that magical, magical hair?

The hilarity of the new government erasing history after (rightfully) accusing the last government of doing just that leads to the darker realisation that this is the modus operandi of the country. Consider this remarkable piece of caker commentary:

Yeah, that’s it! The last guy didn’t save data, so it’s totally normal for this guy to do the same! Except that both instances are bad, Skeezix. Remember the whole “hooray for unmuzzled scientists” theater that we got? The one that culminated in Trudeau playing My Little Dear Leader at an embarrassingly scripted Q&A in Waterloo? See, the shit that the government is “archiving” (and that a professor at Waterloo can only find parts of) is the research material for the social sciences. I’m trained as a political scientist; I need to see what the old government did to look for changes and new patterns of thought emerging from the new regime. In removing the previous government’s data so hap-hazardly we are effectively being muzzled.

And people are pretty okay with that:

Hey, asshole – “partisan PR stuff” is the bread and butter of political science in Canada. You’re basically saying that it’s okay to not have a grasp of political history in Canada because…because why again? And speaking of, why do people have a problem with Stephen Harper’s communications existing on the Internet? Is it because cakers fear any recognition of Stephen Harper, as if the man is some sort of political Beetlejuice? mean, here’s my Google Search for a list of news releases by Stephen Harper while he was Prime Minister:

Note that none of these are about Stephen Harper. Indeed, the only press release I could find on the first page of search results that had anything to do with Harper’s reign was a bit about investing in a memorial to the Irish. Not exactly the kind of stuff most people need, but potentially useful information for someone writing on, say, Irish-Canadian relations or the preservation of Irish-Canadian history. And you’re okay with that disappearing, cakers? “Durr, it’s standard practice” – no shit, and that’s part of why we’re flying blind!

We live in an age where the single most powerful referencing source for most people is Google. Google is like the Yellow Pages of the Internet; without it, the best you can do is blindly grope about a bunch of sites hoping to find things. This stuff can’t just disappear; what more, Library and Archives Canada shockingly kind of sucks. The Internet is already notoriously poor at archiving in a readily-searchable way. Making data less visible through a Google search and blindly assuming that Library and Archives Canada hasn’t dropped the ball is at best laughable. And it’s not like Canada is known for having any kind of coherent digitization strategy.

Think Justin’s any different than Harper as regards leaving the government pantsless while the rest of the world computerizes and digitizes? He’s overseeing Shared Services Canada, a disasterous abomination, actively putting police lives at risk with their uselessness. You know, one that seeks to ask the private sector to do its job for it at a no-doubt inflated price? When Trudeau’s not busy claiming that veterans aren’t owed government assistance he’s busily humming O Canada while Shared Services takes a solid wafting shit all over the Department of Defense and pretending that Canada’s worthless Internet infrastructure will make Canada into My Little San Francisco.

What I’m saying is, this is not a guy anyone should trust with understanding Canada’s digital failures. Canada’s understanding of the Internet, of the need for research information, of how dangerous simply allowing a government to define the policies of the one prior while eradicating any sources that could offer a different perspective – that shit don’t fit in 140 characters. Having to read any more than that is just too much for #RealChange and the band of cakers his fetid fans epitomize.

#182 – Canada: Branded Within, Excused Everywhere

Yes, Canada is a brand, and few people get it quite as cynically as #RealChange and his motley Synod of snot-nosed go-getters. And as with most branding efforts the goal is to have the consumer look at the shiny sticker and miss the obvious signs that the product you’re getting is actually a sockful of shit. Like wheat, which caker business is busy squandering Canada’s claimed reputation for quality by producing inferior shit. Don’t ask about Canada among lentil sellers abroad or you’ll hear tales of cheating and shit quality. But hey, it’s Brand Canada!

Brand Canada’s effects produce revision inside Canada, and that’s where we’re going today. Cakers love to think that Canada rolls up to the global trade party with the equivalent of an inoffensive potato salad. Harmless, right? Tee-hee, aren’t these Canadians just so silly and sorry! Never mind that Canada is actually the #2 supplier of arms to the Middle East. Profiting off of the misery of others is a Canadian speciality; after slaughtering and cruelly debasing the Indigenous Canada’s off to go ruin the lives of some more brown people! After all, if Canada doesn’t sell arms to barbarians someone else will! Or so says Stephane Dion, the Minister for Foreign Affairs. And why does Canada excuse itself for disproportionately contributing to misery and woe? Why, because that’s not in Canada’s brand!

The Canada Brand is of course obnoxious as shit, because it kind of has to be in order to drive out the truth about Canadian exports and business practices – namely, that they’re dirty, shitty for labor, and consequently kind of suck. But because Canadians can’t acknowledge the harm they cause and thus encourage some kind of filthy “improvement” or “humanity” in their ersatz-society, they pull out Brand Canada to make themselves feel better. What’s this about exporting a nad-radding medical scanner? Nah, man! Check out this beer! It says Canada on it so it must be good!

This is the kind of bait-and-switch that comes from a country that runs itself as a shitty, shitty corporation. Here’s Canada telling you that hockey is evidence that Canada has the most “heart” of any nation. I remind you that this is a country that uses poor peoples’ homes and countries as dumping grounds, a country that fairly uniquely opted against calling for a ban on the export of toxic waste. Speaking of dumping, did you know that four caker businesses actually seriously fucking invested in cluster bombs? The country whose capital shares a name with the global ban on anti-personnel mines is investing in other foul machinations of war.

But shit like this doesn’t look good in domestic markets! Canadians need to feel unduly special lest they actually look around and start demanding that Canada do things properly. I know – throw them a hockeymans commercial! That’ll baffle the semi-literate fucks.

The disparity between what Canadian believe about their country and what Canada actually does on a regular basis abroad is, I think, the result of Canadians getting pounded with caker-jingoism from the word go. Canadians are outwardly told what they should think about themselves, attitudes and ideas which are then confirmed or set aside as needed by way of branding Canada. We’ve talked about consumptive Canadiana a lot – this is consumptive Canadiana creating internally a national brand for which there is no evidence externally. Or for that matter internally – in a country that still can’t bring itself to see Indigenous voices as worth listening to here’s Tim Hortons telling you that Canadians are “brought together” by hockey:

But Canada can’t be arsed to act like a good neighbor, so it instead tells a pliant population that it’s totally cool you guys and implies that the rest of the world totally loves Canada because Canada acts like it does in caker commercials. A false image produced domestically prevents Canadians from meaningfully reacting to scenarios externally where Canadians are acting like their usual toady selves.

#163 – Prime Memeister, Part Two: Dear Leader Visits Much Science Center for Make Good

(s) The equation is a desperate try to prove that Canada doesn’t mathematically exist.

Dear Lead-I mean #RealChange took to his usual gloating form in Waterloo, being fawned over like a North Korean dictator after providing an explanation for quantum mechanics that I could do after reading a relevant piece in Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader. There are so many shitty angles to take this – as a random example, there is the obvious fact that rote memory skills aren’t the same as intelligence even if the words memorized seem big and scary. But because this is a Prime Memeister piece we’re going to look at this scene in its entirety. And therein we discover something deeply alarming – the media working with the Prime Minister for the sake of dropping some dank new memes. This is, of course, exactly what Kim Jong-Un does to take heat off of his brutal regime and to demonstrate “progress”.

(s) “Oh, please ask me what I put down as my Facebook status!”

Let’s take a look at the transcript, shall we? I actually went right to YouTube and wrote this down – the mush-mouth flaps his gums to this tune at 13:46 on the YouTube link provided. If you’d rather not feel an unterminating desire to punch your monitor I’ll give you the skinny:

You don’t have to be a geek like me to appreciate how important this work is. Although I have to tell you, when we get to the media questions later I’m really hoping people ask me how quantum computing works because I was excited to deepen my knowledge of that this morning.

And golly, what a punchable paragraph that is. If that paragraph were a person it would be making macaroni art at daycare and asking for icey-creams after dinner in an annoying voice. Just look at it! “Tee hee, I’m such a geek how novel and unique” is exactly the kind of thing a marketing department tells someone to say. It’s very clear that he’s basically asking the media to ask him what he learned today, which is totally not something an 8-year old does.

And the media obliged, putting the ball on the tee and lining Justin and his wiffle-brain up so they could get a picture of the big boy taking a swing at the ball. The Toronto Star delivers a spectacularly fawning piece that speaks to “astonished” physicists and scholars. Hey, that’s what Kim Jong Un apparently did! And everyone knows how reliable and steady North Korea’s media is. Here’s the National Post, a meanie-poopieheaded right-wing Harper-loving buttfaced news institution calling Trudeau out. But they Literally Harper you guys so don’t listen to them.

Time to change gears. Right now a Canadian is being held hostage in the Philippines. A Canadian is a Canadian is a Canadian, #RealChange – where’s the talk about helping this guy out? Not even a peep from #RealChange, but that’s okay he’s cute and he can stand in front of a chalkboard and call himself a nerd. Tee hee! The Liberals also lied to us about the Saudi arms deal by claiming that it was a “done deal” despite $11B in approvals having been signed by Stephane Dion. Lying about sending death machines to a hellish, brutal regime governed by subhuman filth? Never mind that Trudeau lied to us when he said that we’re exporting “jeeps” and that we’re actually sending better equipment than the stuff Canada uses to people even less interested in the preservation of life and liberty than Canada – memes and hashtags hooray!

The wanton blindness of the Canadian media to obvious failures in the Trudeau regime is one thing, but it’s even worse that they’re willing to play wiffle-ball with Justin in exchange for producing dank memes and clicks on webpages. Justin has long and righly been accused of being an intellectual lightweight; his ability to recite fewer lines than I did when I was assigned the role of Polonius for an English assignment in high school proves nothing and wouldn’t be touted as such if it wasn’t about a topic that can easily go over the average Canadian’s head. The whole thing is a combination of the clickbait tactics used by shitty groups like “I Fucking Love Science” and a Canadian public too stupid to read into this nonsense and see it for the fluff that it is.




#157 – Prime Memeister, Part One: Set Course for Memes

The term “meme” comes from Richard Dawkins’ book The Selfish Gene, wherein he attempts to take the concepts of evolutionary biology, strains them through the Sapir-Whorf Hypothesis and revels in the result – a rapidly-galloping evolution in human culture that far outstrips our rate of physical evolution. Memetics are in their basest form a viral interaction: the meme is transmitted, internalized, and exported from person to person based on the ease of communication between people. They thus form and reform the baseline thoughts you have about a concept or idea and nudge others in similar directions. The key is simplicity (to make uptake simpler) coupled with vagueness (such that the inferences of the statements at hand can fit into and influence your current pile of baseline thoughts), and boy are those two ideas a bad portent.

That said, Canadian memes are fucking retarded. Because Canadians are notoriously ahistorical and have no meaningful sense of nationhood they are deeply vulnerable to suggestion and make-believe about their leadership and their country. Memes are particularly ready recruits for revisionism because their narrratives are as simple as can be but invite all sorts of unsupported fantasies without a shred of evidence on the part of the viewer. As if looking through a cum-covered kaleidoscope the meme is interpreted in hundreds of exotic, idiotic ways by people with a common revisionist lens and thus becomes hundreds of personal justifications for the same bullshit.

All this is to say that looking at memes surrounding the election of #RealChange showcases the kinds of lunacy that people peddle about this guy. To do this I have moved mountains, by which I mean that I typed “Justin Trudeau meme” into Google and started wading through the intolerable dreck that is #RealDelusion. I looked for precisely no time before I found a series of “feminist memes” created by vox.com; those words should probably come with a Surgeon General’s warning because writing that felt like snuggling up to a radioactive pillow stuffed with asbestos.

Anyways, fuck the world – here we go:


Remember when Canada had a Prime Minister that didn’t masturbate to his Twitter follower count? Yeah, I miss those days too. Speaking of Prime Ministers who didn’t control uteruses, Harper and Trudeau had largely similar policies on the matter. The article cites this important point:

The Prime Minister reminded his MPs he made a pledge to Canadians during the 2011 election: that his government would not reopen the abortion debate and that Conservatives wouldn’t bring forward legislation on the topic.

While Steve was nefariously ensuring that the current order on the subject remains as it was (taking a hefty beating from his base in doing so, suggesting a principled stand on the matter), he also set women decades behind by appointing three fewer women to Cabinet than #RealChange did. That bastard! Thank fuck we’ve got Justin; obviously we’ve entered a new age of gender politics in Ottawa because Harper would never pose for dank feminist memes.

Oh, and one more problem: the Mounties aren’t exactly known for their nu-left cred. How is “controlling” a toxic, misogynistic institution a good thing to counterpoint a feminist message with?

And speaking of Justin’s Cabinet, why is Treasury Board 66% dominated by white males? Even the backups are 60% white dudes. That said, it’s not like Treasury Board is important or anything. It’s only perhaps the most powerful Cabinet committee, with unique authority over spending prioritization. Such trivial powers as:

  • [reviewing] government spending…to identify opportunities for reallocations to higher priority programs;
  • [setting] mandatory policies on ministers’ and deputy ministers’ use of their authorities to manage their departments; and
  • [having responsibility for] labour relations, collective bargaining, and pension and benefits across the government

Are clearly not as important has having a female Heritage Minister from Montreal, which means that the NCC lands in Ottawa are no longer governed by someone who lives in Ottawa. Progress!

Hey man, don’t think about the 75,000- nearly 100,000 Canadians leading undocumented lives in the United States as of 2008 – pull out the myth of Americans moving to Canada en masse come election time and relate it to the concept of patriarchy for some reason. Nothing about this makes any sense – #RealChange even speaks to the “moving to Canada” myth during the interview. This is an excellent example of memes spouting bullshit and allowing the viewer to draw and re-confirm their own gull-brained mythos about the setting.

And what’s worse is that the text was okayed by someone despite the interview expressly speaking against the phenomenon implied by the meme. At least somebody did – Justin was asked to pose for memes so he had to know what was going on, and Vox presumably would rather not piss off an interview subject with the click-drawing power of #RealChange. From the PMO, the notion that an image-crazy government like #RealChange’s PR handlers wouldn’t consider or think about an interview, particularly one which spawned images intended to be viral, is laughable. So why is it okay for the text of an interview and the spawn of it to say and imply contrary things?

Clearly this is vastly superior to the staid quiet of the Harper government and its brutally repressive regime where little changed in terms of abortion access, LGBT communities continued to enjoy unrestricted access to marriage, and where women made impressive strides in the business world. Fuck that – Harper was an evil misogynist because reasons! Dank feminist memes from the Prime Memeister himself is progress! When all the pretty people tweet all the feminist memes we’ll have super-equality magical fun times! And who better to carry the banner of the marginalized than a straight, wealthy white male and his Board of pasty-pale rich dudes, right?


#155 – Refu-Jesus Christ, Part Two: Brooking Resentment

So making sure that Garth Brooks and his concert plays out well is obviously a national objective that overwhelms the “national project” #RealChange instituted four long, painful months ago. So refugees settled in hotels for God knows how long are to be kicked out of Hamilton and sent away to St. Catharine’s, a soulless hellhole whose major features are the scenic 406 and the Wal-Mart. Which Wal-Mart is unimportant because cakers and their built environment have created a space in which nothing matters.

St. Catharine’s 406, a leading tourist attraction. Come for the shitty Soviet-looking bridge, stay because Garth Brooks needs you to!

But what’s really neat is the way that the Wesley Urban Ministries has declared that this isn’t a problem. On their website they say this:

Housing is a fundamental human right and one of the most essential elements in a household’s social, health and economic well-being. Housing that is unaffordable or of poor quality creates challenges that could have a negative impact on the wellness of individuals within the household.

But it’s totally fine to move people into a Days Inn because “many” of them have leases signed already! Hooray! It’s always a sign of trustworthiness when numbers can’t be provided. Especially on such a crucial step as finding housing. In fact I can’t find any modern numbers, but the ones from last month suggested that half of the imported refugees were semi-permanent guests of Wyndham Worldwide. And you know what? Half could be “many” to ask these people. At any rate these folks seem to think that a hotel room is a perfectly acceptable place to shunt people. Until Canada needs the space, at which point you can fuck off and go squat in another hut.

Wesley has one more piece of comedy. From a Days’ Inn in St. Catharines, some caker named Jeff Burch said, and I quote the article, “Who knows…[m]aybe the refugees will take a liking to the Niagara region and want to resettle there.” Yes, because the Days Inn is so awesome that no doubt Syrians will flood to the area! Learn about another worthless concrete hellscape, guys! One day you could be stuck in traffic in your own shitty rustbucket, just like the immigrant engineer-cum-cabbie who just dropped some drunken hockey squires at your hotel! Bet you can’t wait to clean milennial puke out of a metal box!

What more, Canadian hotels are inspiring. In a context where the federal government is paying huge corporate interests through the nose in exchange for ignoring its housing problem, there were “no serious problems” with the way that the intake was handled. In what universe is living in a hotel considered a successful transfer? Who needs a permanent address that could, oh, I don’t know, be used to communicate with friends and family abroad who may lack access to telephony or Internet. Not like being trapped in an anomic nowhere-land of concrete and people who speak a language you’re not fluent in would inspire a need to communicate with anyone else, no sir.

“Sick download speeds, man!”

So we see the folly of leaning on hotels and Canada’s insistence that doing so is okay because reasons. They seem to honestly think that dingy roadside motels are not only acceptable places for huge families to live but that they could inspire people to want to move somewhere. Obviously I have missed something because I’ve stayed in plenty of roadside motels in various places across Ontario and so far I couldn’t identify a single city by the motel I stayed in.

#153 – Our 9th Century Allies (#Becauseits2016)

In a recent example of #RealChange really changing things, our arms deal with Saudi Arabia is continuing apace because apparently we must protect Canada’s ability “to conduct business in the world“. Not our ability to conduct business! Obviously the grain markets are closely watching orders for heavy arms; if the Canadian government vetoes a sale of deadly weapons the world knows that Canada could step into the wheat market at any time. Because, you know, staple cereals and main battle tanks are in no way different from one another.

And why would a government that trumpets peacekeeping and a progressive turn possibly want to risk disruption to its arms market? Are there no other buyers for caker-clunkers than tyrants and despots? I’m pretty sure there’s a collective understanding that an arms deal between Canada and France has fewer moral hurdles to jump than a deal between Canada and the guys who posted want ads for executioners. Then again, caker business is mighty seedy and with an entire continent standing down for pesky “moral reasons” even the low-efficiency Canadian manufacturing sector can compete.

Besides, Saudi Arabia is essential to keep on the Yay Canada side because they export oil, a substance that we produce domestically and at any rate want to stop using because of those annoying greenhouse gases. What better partner to the new Canada could you ask for than a murderous mob-state where women can’t drive? Obviously these are ties we want to expand on – oh wait, we’re actually working on that.

To be frank the validity of the arms sales is secondary to the cowardly continuation of deals that clearly contravene the stated message of the Liberal regime. There’s something nifty in political theory called a doctrine: a foundational principle from which our thoughts on a matter radiate. Trudeau claims a doctrine of progressive and humane foreign relations and immediately undermines it by doing business and indeed expanding ties with people who represent the antithesis of the stated doctrine.

There’s a word for that, ninny – dishonesty. You used a coward’s answer, one that other countries avoided because they knew how compromising it is to proclaim liberal-progressive ideals while supporting mobsters, and you expect that to suffice. #RealChange indeed. Canada certainly has a history of international doublethink – Canada’s role in dismantling Apartheid South Africa is ironic in more ways than one – but to be this brazenly self-defeating despite ample, plain evidence that global markets can indeed distinguish between arms and not-arms is amazing.

And did Canadians buy it? Of course they did! Because JOBS is the most goodest at all of the time. Never mind that we could be working on producing equipment for countries that don’t display Filet of Dissident in public squares or perhaps working on internal development for a change. Canada is a force of peace and progress because feels; making weapons for despots is okay because JOBS. And all this is presented as #RealChange.

Only in Canada, folks.