#128 – Johnny Macdingus’ All-Canadian Legacy, Part Four: Dynasties in Canada

English Canada’s Stephen Harper (because English Canada is what brought us Steve and what maintains the Steve) has lost two of his Politburo – John Baird, who broke cool-down laws by joining Barrick Gold two months after he was busy trying to use the Department of Foreign Affairs and International Trade and Sempai Notice Me to push Barrick’s rapey, stabby business model through Central and South America, and Peter Mackay. And so marks another rung in the Mackay dynasty’s political crown.

But what of Pete and why? His dynastic riding, once held by his father Elmer Mackay (whose best trait was his ability to stay mired in the same muck as people like the disturbing Karlheinz Schreiber) is one of many, many, many political positions in Canada where patronage becomes a family business. Like the remains of Chilliwack – Fraser Valley, which went from Chuck Strahl to Mark Strahl, Underwhogivesafuck of Indian Affairs or Whatever They’re Calling Themselves This Week.

Entire provinces can be likewise transferred from father to son, like Prince Edward Island’s Ghiz family. After a 14-year interregnum, the son Robert Ghiz took up the Premier’s scepter from Joe Ghiz. Various Cabinet posts can likewise make the genetic hop, as Paul Martin Sr. and Paul Martin Jr. learned when the two of them held a collection of four Cabinet posts (including my favorite, Minister Without Portfolio). Degenerate bag of subhuman filth John Macdonald helped to create crotchspawn named Hugh Macdonald, who took over as Premier of Manitoba and proved his family mettle by failing in less than a year. In Ontario, Dalton Sr., Dalton Jr., and Dave McGuinty all got their asses in Queen’s Park’s chair for Ottawa South. From the Nixons Harry and Robert in Ontario to the brothers McLeod in the Northwest Territories, political dynasties are the norm in Canada.

And that’s a real fucking problem. I mean, look at this lot of losers. The Elder Jizz in PEI was responsible for taking a $300 million bribe for highway construction (read: losing shit-tons of money to private contractors) in exchange for abandoning its train system. Elmer Mackay hung out with his friend Karlheinz Schreiber and managed to not be dinged for corruption, a testament I believe about as much as I can throw it underwater. I mean, look at this lot of failures – these are the people you want to run your country? A bunch of quasi-aristocrats rolling in family money and suffering no ill-consequences to the horrible decisions and terrible management of their forefathers and relations despite demonstrating nothing even close to a difference between themselves and their ancestors?

Forget rotton boroughs or the American problem of low rates of election losses in the House of Representatives. This is a much worse problem – to be simple about it, political families are free to weave themselves into business (as the Fords did in Toronto) and act on their family’s power rather than their own skills. The result is a bunch of idiot wankers too entitled to know that they’re useless and too connected to ever be replaced. And if they are, don’t worry – someone in the private sektor has a sinecure for them!

#120 – Canadian Storytime, Part Five: How Canada Started Apartheid

English Canadians don’t learn shit about Apartheid, save perhaps for some stuff about Nelson Mandela. They may even hear about Canada’s valorous fight against South Africa’s Apartheid system, a topic of such magnificent and awesome Canadian power that I dare not write of it yet. But few learn about how Canada inspired Apartheid in South Africa.

Do you remember a dude named Daniel Malan? Of course not – you were educated in English Canada. Danny and Johnny would have gotten on famously though – both worried to no end about “racial purity”, both ran on the topic in elections and won and both almost immediately implemented their segregationist laws upon getting the electoral nod. But, unlike South Africa which has owned up to this horrible moment in its history and corrected it, Canada has yet to bother. Dealing with Canada’s Apartheid is less important than supporting Canada’s unproductive, Luddite, whingy-dickhat manufacturers and other businessfolk!

For Canadians who doubt that their state is an Apartheid one – when’s the last time you heard an Indian tongue on national television? And don’t give me the “they’re already dead” gambit. The Inuit use their own tongue, and the South never hears it. No music, no translated broadcasts. Nothing. How about Cree, a language taught to white people in universities but totally without air-time on the CBC? Fuck – when was the last time you went to a reserve for business that wasn’t buying illegal smokes? What’s that? Never? Well, there’s your god-damn answer for you. Apartheid, de facto and de jure, are both evils beyond measure.

So the law written expressly to destroy First Nations’ cultures is still on the books and it is largely keeping them apart from us. Malan noticed Canada for this and adopted parts of the Indian Act into his own Apartheid system. Yes – Canada is implicated in the creation of Apartheid in South Africa. Canadian-inspired Apartheid continues in Canada, with poor access to services and the justice system. This alarm has been sounded for years about this topic and what few metrics Canada bothers to collect (because Canada, like Scientology, is notoriously data-shy) all point to this being a problem. It has been here for over a century – more time than Apartheid stood in South Africa – and the figures of resistance we have here are villified like Mandela.

But Canada fought against South Africa’s Apartheid system through a series of sanctions and shunnings from global sporting events so Canada is amazing you guys!. And South Africa’s Apartheid system fell because we cut them away from our hockeymans events and we didn’t buy their natural resources. Do you think that means that if the world wised up and quarantined Canada this putrid sidewalk abortion of a country would grow up? Or would Canada just accuse the rest of the world of not “getting it”, like it usually does.

What a piece of shit Canada is.

#102 – Johnny Macdingus’ all-Canadian Legacy, Part Three: Mackenzie King’s Wild Corruption Time!

Here’s another all-Canadian with their ugly mug on the money. Mackenzie King was right crazy in so many ways, but we’ll start with the wild and crazy corruption that Mackleman brought with his rule.

First off, Mackie knows that merely equalling Johnny Macdingus’ corruption isn’t enough. So he threw his massive, gluttonous corruption at a company called Beauharnois Light, Heat and Power Company. A whole $700,000 was offered to the Liberal warchest in exchange for the right to divert the St. Lawrence River for a hydroelectric project. Never mind the shipping industry! Who navigates the water of the St. Lawrence anyways? Just change that shit!

Mackenzie King was treated to an all-expenses-paid vacation to Bermuda courtesy of Beauharnois. Remember that this is a man who “graces” Canadian money to this day. Open bribery was nevertheless too much for King, whose disgrace almost but didn’t quite convince him to retire from politics. He didn’t, though, and he also didn’t bother changing the laws surrounding bribery for almost three decades. Clearly this free vacation affected him deeply and encouraged him to take meaningful steps towards stopping this brutal failure of government.

What other failures of King do we have? Well, he was a racist fuck and refused Jews access to freedom from Nazi oppression. He rather famously said that he would “not give a five-cent piece” of unemployment relief for anyone living in a Conservative-run province. He called the Prairies a desert, saying that he doubted that it would ever be economically useful again. Writing off entire provinces is the sign of a true leader, especially those provinces which happen not to support his political reign.

He also founded the precursor to Air Canada. Remember, this man is on the money. People like Abe Okpik, John Diefenbaker, Alexander Mackenzie, Banting and Best don’t get on the money, but this Turd-dragoon gets to squat his load on the $50. The sheer extent of corruption that happened under Mackenzie King’s watch, and that so many people love him despite this, baffles me. Why do you heil a guy who thought that Hitler was a Wagnerian hero? What in the ever-giggling fuck is so worthy about this dingus? Oh, is it that he was Prime Minister for a long time and in a time in Canadian history that is utterly full of Canadiana bullshit? Is that it? Are we willing to overlook that this guy basically allowed the St. Lawrence to be diverted in exchange for stacks of coin to defeat bitter rival and fellow shit-biscuit Arthur Meighen with?

Spoilers: that’s totally not the end of King’s Reign of Bullshit. He’s going to be getting at least another pride of place here.

#93 – Johnny Macdingus’ all-Canadian Legacy, Part Two: Jim Prentice

For a change of pace, Albertans elected the social-democratic NDP to a majority in Alberta. In so doing, they made a career asshole have sad feels. Never mind that Jim Prentice, fleshsack at large called the election a year ahead of his own law, was condescending and rude throughout the election campaign, and offered no real apology for his super-austerity budget (which maintained low corporate tax rates that didn’t make any sense). Amazingly, English Canadians actually saw through the insults, the fear-mongering stupidity, the media reports claiming that 12% survey differences meant “a three-horse race”, and the entitlement that Alberta’s PCs were all about. For once, Canada’s business community lost an election. Despite Ontario-owned newspapers desperately trying to con people into voting Jimbo, despite money-grubbing executives playing Scrooge and threatening to cancel charity donations if the NDP makes it, despite the teary-eyed whimpers of the sick, sniveling, degenerate lot of failures that is Canada’s business elite, Alberta saw sense.

So what do you do after you crater a political dynasty? Certainly, there is little wrong with resigning as leader of the party. After all, Prentice “led” the party to a token status akin to the non-place that the federal Liberals have. It would also be reasonable to say that this is your last election, that you’re going to ride out the next four years and then not stand for re-election. Sort of a pre-tirement announcement, as it were. Gotta start claiming that massive pension somehow.

But the truly graceless action is to resign as a member of the legislature, forcing a byelection because the voters hurt your feelings and didn’t give you the government you wanted. After being a bully, a pompous ass, and exactly the type of person you would expect to jump from a senior executive position at the Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce to Premier of a province and just assume that people love him, Prentice’s feels are hurt.

And just look at this non-pology:

“I feel the weight of responsibility of Alberta, in the circumstances that we’re in which nobody expected. No one expected that oil prices to collapse,” he said.

“No one expected that we would lose close to 50,000 permanent jobs in this province in the last three months. Nobody expected we’d see a $7-billion crater open up in our public finances because of the collapse in oil prices.”

Now there’s the point right there. Nobody expected a collapse in oil prices? Are you mad? Alberta’s royalties from the tar sands are literally payable in buckets of sludgey sand; what more, your government has let billions in royalties go unpaid to “attract investment”. And you’re telling me that you couldn’t see this coming? Perhaps taking royalties in cash would have been a better idea? Hard to patch that $7-billion crater with sand, Jim.

Handing out money to business interests without thinking about the potential consequences? Non-planning by Canadian political elites whose business connections never really left their phone’s speed-dial list? Whinging non-pology ignoring the above two problems, problems which swamped the province and the politician? Huffily forcing a riding to have another election months after this one because your feels can’t handle the consequences of being a dink?

Sounds like a true English-Canadian leader.

#82 – Johnny Macdingus’ all-Canadian Legacy, Part One: A “Wynner” of a Story

English Canadians in Ontario elected a hack of a Premier – one who also just so happens to like bribing people. Allegedly.

Kathleen Wynne is a quintessentially English Canadian politician – she’s a lesbian and her party says Liberal on it, so she must be legit! Wynne was a part of the McGuinty cabinet, another deficient Premier whose corruption will almost certainly be returning to this blog. Wynne has proven to be a terror since starting, offering unlimited corporate handouts under the cozy guise of Your Friendly Liberal. Being a Liberal, Wynne almost got away with some Sudburyian shenanigans.

Sudbury, for the uninformed, is a shithole of a community whose more famous trait is no longer looking like the surface of the Moon. A guy named Andrew Olivier, who had won the riding nomination last time Ontario went to the polls to stare at the inside of a partition (and, supposedly, thinking about who to vote for), was not the fellow Wynne wanted to have as an MP. Nah – who Wynne really wanted was Glenn Thibeault, a former NDPer who defected to the Liberals in Canada’s fine tradition of meaningless political floor-crossing stunts.

That was a problem for Wynne (allegedly). How to put this syncophant into the Sudbury seat rather than the chap who was less than 1000 votes behind in labor country last time? To the rescue is Deputy Chief of Staff and sentient hairpiece warmer Pat Sorbara, who offered Olivier a job in exchange for him stepping down to allow Glenn to run. Jesus, this sounds like a fucking soap opera. So, we know the story – Olivier says no, thus enraging the Job Fairy and failing in his duties to Protect This House, meaning that Glenn won the nomination and the seat. Just like Wynne wanted!

What’s really irksome about this otherwise mundane case of corruption laced with Canadian not-giving-a-shit about corruption is that Wynne has evaded questioning for months, only now submitting to the OPP what should have been rolling months ago. Was selling Hydro One so intense that you couldn’t clear up this supposedly simple misunderstanding quickly? Even Elections Ontario sees a problem, although Wynne refuses to accept its findings and Elections Ontario has no power to actually enforce the electoral law because sense.

A population that can’t be arsed because she’s part of Team Red, a scandal that Wynne can’t be bothered to deal with, and patronage handouts in exchange for favors combine to make Wynne’s government a true, proud torch-bearer of Johnny Macdingus’ all-Canadian Legacy.