#159 – Beckta Luck Next Time

The restaurant called Beckta is one of Ottawa’s higher-end restaurants. With a $68 three-course meal offering and a wallet-slaying wine list, I have no doubt that Beckta offers a dinner to remember. Or at least they do until Canadian food prices leave them offering Goat a’la Parking Lot, but that’s beside the point. Why am I talking about the kind of restaurant I clearly don’t get invited to?

It’s because of an event on Tuesday night. It was an emergency discussion about youth suicides on reserves. The issue is a particularly nasty one in a distant community called Attawapiskat, where police had to break up a suicide pact that included a 9-year old. Shootings are becoming a growing concern on reserves and 1/20th of Attawapiskat has opted to try to kill itself in less than a year. It was Attawapiskat, which falls into the riding of a rare MP with a soul that forced the government to hold an emergency debate on the issue.

And an emergency it is. Nine-year olds should be worried about things like whether or not the other gender gave them cooties, getting one of the good computers in the tech lab, the shifting alliances of childhood friendship, and what’s in their lunch pail. They should not have a suicide pact hanging over their heads. Angus was right to pull the alarm. The Liberals, knowing that refusing would be politically suicidal got a whole third of their party’s MPs to deign to pay attention for the debate.

Some of Canada’s most significant figures on an intergovernmental Indigenous health crisis involving youth were there. The Minister for Indigenous Affairs Carolyn Bennett, the Health Minister Jane Philpott, and the Youth and Intergovernmental Affairs Mi…wait. Where did that one go? That’s funny – you’d think a Youth Minister would want to get involved on this one. He must have had something very important to do to-

Oh, there he is. He was at a function with Bill Graham, a Chretianite fossil (incidentally, Jean Cretin also got himself in hot water over this issue) who is launching a book. The book, which is no doubt substantially less relevant to Indigenous suicide than the debate on Parliament Hill, was obviously more important. Our Prime Minister/Youth Minister, acting like neither/nor while hiding in opulent splendor, decided that hobnobbing with Gerald Butts, the guy who thinks being a secretary means farting 140 characters into digital air when someone rightly calls him and his policies out for being stupid was clearly the better use of time.

For a Prime Minister to not attend a debate is one thing. If Justin were in Washington negotiating something or otherwise away, I wouldn’t be writing this. But #RealChange was actually less than 1km away and he also styles himself the Minister for Youth and Intergovernmental Affairs, both of which happen to be fairly important points for a conversation about youth suicide in a distinct jurisdiction. And he claims that Indigenous affairs are a crucial part of his platform and “ideology” (I won’t disgrace the word by stacking it next to #RealChange).

A walk too far after a ritzy wine-and-dine. I’m sure the Indigenous understand the struggle.

But not as important as high-flying Party functions and fancy dinners that could well cost less than what’s on offer in the North of the country. Interestingly enough, kids that eat shit food are more wan to commit suicide. But governing is hard and Canada is amazing so ahh it’s okay the party for the Party a click down the road is more important.

Beckta luck next time, poor hungry Indigenous kids. One day maybe you too can be noticed and cuddled by the Prime Minister like the Syrian kids were during those insufferable photo shoots. I suggest working on your selfie poses, because clearly that’s the only way to reach this rockheaded tool of a Prime Memeister.

#155 – Refu-Jesus Christ, Part Two: Brooking Resentment

So making sure that Garth Brooks and his concert plays out well is obviously a national objective that overwhelms the “national project” #RealChange instituted four long, painful months ago. So refugees settled in hotels for God knows how long are to be kicked out of Hamilton and sent away to St. Catharine’s, a soulless hellhole whose major features are the scenic 406 and the Wal-Mart. Which Wal-Mart is unimportant because cakers and their built environment have created a space in which nothing matters.

St. Catharine’s 406, a leading tourist attraction. Come for the shitty Soviet-looking bridge, stay because Garth Brooks needs you to!

But what’s really neat is the way that the Wesley Urban Ministries has declared that this isn’t a problem. On their website they say this:

Housing is a fundamental human right and one of the most essential elements in a household’s social, health and economic well-being. Housing that is unaffordable or of poor quality creates challenges that could have a negative impact on the wellness of individuals within the household.

But it’s totally fine to move people into a Days Inn because “many” of them have leases signed already! Hooray! It’s always a sign of trustworthiness when numbers can’t be provided. Especially on such a crucial step as finding housing. In fact I can’t find any modern numbers, but the ones from last month suggested that half of the imported refugees were semi-permanent guests of Wyndham Worldwide. And you know what? Half could be “many” to ask these people. At any rate these folks seem to think that a hotel room is a perfectly acceptable place to shunt people. Until Canada needs the space, at which point you can fuck off and go squat in another hut.

Wesley has one more piece of comedy. From a Days’ Inn in St. Catharines, some caker named Jeff Burch said, and I quote the article, “Who knows…[m]aybe the refugees will take a liking to the Niagara region and want to resettle there.” Yes, because the Days Inn is so awesome that no doubt Syrians will flood to the area! Learn about another worthless concrete hellscape, guys! One day you could be stuck in traffic in your own shitty rustbucket, just like the immigrant engineer-cum-cabbie who just dropped some drunken hockey squires at your hotel! Bet you can’t wait to clean milennial puke out of a metal box!

What more, Canadian hotels are inspiring. In a context where the federal government is paying huge corporate interests through the nose in exchange for ignoring its housing problem, there were “no serious problems” with the way that the intake was handled. In what universe is living in a hotel considered a successful transfer? Who needs a permanent address that could, oh, I don’t know, be used to communicate with friends and family abroad who may lack access to telephony or Internet. Not like being trapped in an anomic nowhere-land of concrete and people who speak a language you’re not fluent in would inspire a need to communicate with anyone else, no sir.

“Sick download speeds, man!”

So we see the folly of leaning on hotels and Canada’s insistence that doing so is okay because reasons. They seem to honestly think that dingy roadside motels are not only acceptable places for huge families to live but that they could inspire people to want to move somewhere. Obviously I have missed something because I’ve stayed in plenty of roadside motels in various places across Ontario and so far I couldn’t identify a single city by the motel I stayed in.

#154 – AmeriKKKa, Part 10: Housing Goes up the River

As the Victoria-area housing market heats up, their small-character houses are coming down due to the demand for bigger, newer houses. Developers and incoming buyers, flush with money, are targeting the historic municipality of Oak Bay, which has not protected its homes as rigorously as adjacent Victoria has protected much of its original housing stock.

Our old houses, considered rubbish to many, have become American treasure.

But an American community is turning the old houses into part of the solution to their affordability problem. A group in San Juan Island, Wash., has purchased seven Oak Bay houses and once they’ve raised enough funds, they are planning to purchase five more.

yes, this is actually real.

This story will make your blood boil if you have any modicum of interest in Canadian housing markets. The housing market in Canada is of course absolutely full of shit, with Vancouver pricing itself to a point where only senior executives will be able to afford the place by 2025. This of course would be bad for the labor market because the executive-types both rely on low-wage workers (who else will clean their houses, raise their children, or drive their cars?) and don’t seem interested in paying attention to the problem at hand. This is a slow-moving glacier of a problem; it will utterly crush Vancouver but it’s moving at a rate where a coherent plan could help.

Naturally, caker-business and Chinese wealth develop hives upon even hearing the word “plan” and thus have no interest in civic or indeed self-preservation. Meanwhile, in Evil AmeriKKKa, wealthy businessmen are spearheading the movement of houses from Victoria for the sake of affordable housing. You see, AmeriKKKa has taken some time in between cackling evilly at the full moon and kicking puppies in shelters to think about the prospect of cities pricing their low-wage workers literally out of their cities. They have come to the conclusion that they -*GASP*- might actually need those baristas and students if they want their city to work.

In Washington, one of the worst-hit victims of the affordability crisis, the solution is to take some of Canada’s old housing. You know, the kind of charactered, interesting housing that creates desirable neighborhoods and achieves many of the goals promised by the federal Liberals? Yeah, fuck having any of that – what Victoria and its insane housing market need is less efficient, soulless McMansions in suburbs. Because in a contest between long-term civic health and short-term profiteering, it’s obvious which Canada will go for. In fact, that’s even the reason cited by Heritage Vancouver in the first article: “There aren’t enough financial incentives to save them. They have to have their own initiative to save a house.” Because obviously the only thing that matters is making money.

Unlike those Wicked No-Good AmeriKKKans and their plan to have the barged-over houses available to people making the median wage in the are, Canadians are making sure that the poor are well-off by bartering and fucking about with one of the most critical and expensive parts of urban life in the name of short-term profits.

#153 – Our 9th Century Allies (#Becauseits2016)

In a recent example of #RealChange really changing things, our arms deal with Saudi Arabia is continuing apace because apparently we must protect Canada’s ability “to conduct business in the world“. Not our ability to conduct business! Obviously the grain markets are closely watching orders for heavy arms; if the Canadian government vetoes a sale of deadly weapons the world knows that Canada could step into the wheat market at any time. Because, you know, staple cereals and main battle tanks are in no way different from one another.

And why would a government that trumpets peacekeeping and a progressive turn possibly want to risk disruption to its arms market? Are there no other buyers for caker-clunkers than tyrants and despots? I’m pretty sure there’s a collective understanding that an arms deal between Canada and France has fewer moral hurdles to jump than a deal between Canada and the guys who posted want ads for executioners. Then again, caker business is mighty seedy and with an entire continent standing down for pesky “moral reasons” even the low-efficiency Canadian manufacturing sector can compete.

Besides, Saudi Arabia is essential to keep on the Yay Canada side because they export oil, a substance that we produce domestically and at any rate want to stop using because of those annoying greenhouse gases. What better partner to the new Canada could you ask for than a murderous mob-state where women can’t drive? Obviously these are ties we want to expand on – oh wait, we’re actually working on that.

To be frank the validity of the arms sales is secondary to the cowardly continuation of deals that clearly contravene the stated message of the Liberal regime. There’s something nifty in political theory called a doctrine: a foundational principle from which our thoughts on a matter radiate. Trudeau claims a doctrine of progressive and humane foreign relations and immediately undermines it by doing business and indeed expanding ties with people who represent the antithesis of the stated doctrine.

There’s a word for that, ninny – dishonesty. You used a coward’s answer, one that other countries avoided because they knew how compromising it is to proclaim liberal-progressive ideals while supporting mobsters, and you expect that to suffice. #RealChange indeed. Canada certainly has a history of international doublethink – Canada’s role in dismantling Apartheid South Africa is ironic in more ways than one – but to be this brazenly self-defeating despite ample, plain evidence that global markets can indeed distinguish between arms and not-arms is amazing.

And did Canadians buy it? Of course they did! Because JOBS is the most goodest at all of the time. Never mind that we could be working on producing equipment for countries that don’t display Filet of Dissident in public squares or perhaps working on internal development for a change. Canada is a force of peace and progress because feels; making weapons for despots is okay because JOBS. And all this is presented as #RealChange.

Only in Canada, folks.



#152 – Caker Airways, Amateur Hour: #Canadaisback

So, I went off to visit civilization for a week. It was fucking awesome. Leaving Toronto on Lufthansa was a pleasant, professional experience. Announcements were correctly done in five languages and the flight, while crowded with moronic cakers and undoubtedly traumatized Europeans desperately fleeing back to tolerable space and people, did exactly as on the tin. In a form of transaction inconceivable to Canadians, the service listed was provided without shortcuts and with an eye to best practice. Even more unreal was the flight onwards from Germany. Quality? Decency? Passengers who can comprehend such complex notions as shutting the fuck up, presenting your passport without hearing some version of ‘tee-hee I’m Canadian’ and waiting patiently to land? Sign me the fuck up, son!

Sadly, my stay in a decent and civilized place where pedestrians aren’t considered icky and where food is seen as a perfectable art rather than a way to mine money from morons came to an end. My connection to Germany was safe because Caker Airways had nothing to do with it. I foolishly made the assumption that my connecting flight to Toronto would also be handled with the staid efficiency of the German people and, after several cringeworthy iterations of cakers explaining their trips to uninterested border police from the people in front of me I was at the gate.

And there I saw a portal to madness.


There it was, waiting for its cargo of high-school children wielding their caker-papers and boarding passes as if they were deeds to the universe. I overhear the phrase “gotta get my Timmies” at the gate and consider applying for refugee status. Please, Europe, I say to myself. Take me. I’ll learn the language; I’ll mop floors or do dishes or clean streets if only you’d save me from these wretched jingling fuckmonkeys! I won’t even ask you to accomodate some primitive religious beliefs!

Naturally, Caker Airways demonstrates an immediate lack of any kind of foresight by allowing idiots to pile in front of the departure gate without any sort of organizing principle. They have something called “zones” – on Lufthansa, your “zone” is defined by your seat assignment and they ask you to line up in accordance with your zone. This keeps lines clear and allows normal people (i.e.: not cakers, who act without regard for anyone or anything around them ) to navigate without confusion. The Caker Airways equivalent is to have zones but not to tell anyone what they mean or what one should do with this information. Absolute genius, I know.

The aneurysm of cakers clotting the gate is finally cleared by the brute-force who-gives-a-shit method, a Canadian staple. Semi-literate caker high-schoolers and hockey squires wrestle at the gate with other cakers as Europeans and more evolved sorts stay back from the fray. The whole thing looks and feels like a hockeymans game, which is probably because the only thing these rockheads understand instinctively is ramming into people and swinging whatever they have in hand about. In this carnival of venereal disease we finally get seated and strapped in.

And here comes a whole new avalanche of shit.

First off, we have a cabin crew that can’t read. We know this because they forget to mention the emergency procedure for cabin depressurization during the safety primer. Don’t you worry though – while Caker Airways can’t be bothered with properly advising passengers on how to survive a malfunctioning aluminium tube screaming through the air, they did make sure to ask us to applaud for the Peterborough Quacks Junior-Something Hockeymans team for “showcasing Canadian sportsmanship and talent abroad”.

I’m not joking. They asked us to applaud a minor-league hockey team named the Quacks but they couldn’t be arsed to read the safety card. My growing fear of looming death was compounded by a discovery over the British Isles that the overhead reading lights wouldn’t turn off. Why would anyone inspect a plane for issues like that before it takes off into the sky, right? Gotta make sure we get the hockeymans’ nod in but fuck if we can understand and troubleshoot a fucking light bulb before screaming into the sky. The lights are connected to the “entertainment” (which features ads at every possible corner, pressable options that haven’t been available ever in my history of flying Caker Airways, and an unsubtle display of Canadiana-through-film that I’ve never seen noted or advertised outside of a plane), so fuck you that’s out too. Not like you missed much save for a faceful of caker nonsense and half-baked humor long past its best-before date.

Nothing is more reassuring that having the crew fail to note a fault before takeoff and following up with failing to read the safety pamphlet. Attempts to fix the fault with the “turn-off-and-on-again” technique fail and keenly demonstrate the acumen and preparedness of the airline. Recall that this is at 33000 feet in the air somewhere over the Atlantic for extra laughs. An endless parade of hockey squires and high-schools laugh and bark and squeal and wander about the plane as the crew tries and fails to control them. That’s also a good sign, right? Crowd control on a tube filled with pressurized recycled farts is for chumps. Nothing could go wrong with this!

Did I mention that the only crew member who spoke German on the flight wasn’t fluent and couldn’t speak to the Germans behind us? Sheepishly asking if Germans flying from Frankfurt speak English because the designated German can’t handle their accent is a comsummate signal of professionalism. If a caker was misunderstood and ask to speak another language they’d flip; apparently linguistic courtesy only extends to two languages in Canada.

Somewhat surprisingly we land in Toronto. Our connection on Caker Airways was delayed an hour because reasons and we navigated Canada’s desperate attempt to croupier-or-tax whatever tolerable food and alcohol you might have brought back (i.e.: customs) while dodging flailing children and mentally delayed cakers. After that it was an unclear mystery-walk to the connecting gate. Just in case we wanted to go quickly the hockey squires opted to demonstrate their Canadian sportsmanship and talents by walking backwards on the moving walks. Ever walk on a treadmill really slowly, children? That’s roughly equivalent to what you’re being amused by except on a treadmill you aren’t dodging people trying to get by. You sure do represent Canada, you worthless cretins, but I don’t think you understand how damning that is.

Special thanks to the caker-child sitting on the handrail with her feet out on the moving walk. When I barked at you to “do something useful for a change and get the fuck out of my way” and you sulked your way to the “standing” side of the moving walk as I was trying to lug overpriced dinner and a suitcase back to the gate, I forgot to mention that you should also never leave Canada again if your feeble mind can’t handle the prospect that people trying to move quickly might want unobstructed access to the means by which people move quickly. Caker Airways would be wise to similarly wise-up but frankly with the prices Other Russia’s sadsack Aeroflot also-ran charges and service that wouldn’t look out of place in a comedy routine I know it’s a more honest representation of Canada (and thus a warning to civilized peoples) than anything else a would-be tourist will see here.

#150 – Refu-Jesus Christ

Refugees are coming! Hooray! Hooray!

Yes, #RealChange went and did another thing #becauseits2015 and started a full-steam ahead program to bring 25,000 refugees from the fucknucklry of the Middle East. Congrats! You’ve moved up a whole world – from physical siege to psychiatric siege!

I won’t pretend that Canada isn’t a better place than Syria or Iraq or indeed any state with a majority-Muslim population (though it’s worth noting that two – Indonesia and Saudi Arabia – have a higher GDP by PPP than Canada). I accept that there is a powerful moral argument for taking in the desperate and the lost. Indeed, the French recognize this even after a horrific attack was committed against them and have accepted more refugees than Canada.

Meanwhile, some folks who know how Ottawa works with regards to minor concerns like housing and food security have questioned the morality of accepting and building a support system for newcomers fleeing war when those who can’t flee the fell hand of Ottawa are in obvious and desperate need. If we could have mobilized this kind of response anyways why hadn’t we when it was apparent that reserves were failing?

This is indeed a salient and fair point, which means that #RealChange naturally pratfalled into a nasty critique of Canada. The argument we’re apparently getting (which is totally non-partisan you guys even though the Liberals have actively  worked their nu-left magic and de facto control of the media and civil service to stand in front of the affair) is that this is a national project. And there, my friends, the wheels come right the fuck off.

Remind me, Justin – what is the significance of the Levant to Canadian nationalism? I don’t seem to recall Macdingus writing a Levantine Restriction Act (though I have no doubt the drunken thug would implement such a thing). Go figure – it’s almost like this “national project” involves a whole lot of Canada circle-jerking and stuffing people in barracks until the federal government gets its act together.

I mean, perhaps the concept of internment and isolation is Canadian – after all, that’s the logic behind the reserves. But then we see this, the goal behind the stunt: “to demonstrate Canada’s compassionate values and re-affirm our global leading role in refugee resettlement.” Which translates as “don’t look at our other problem isn’t Canada great you guys? Guys?”

Let’s recap – our “nation-building exercise” excludes a substantial part of the national heritage of Canada and overrules their legitimate grievances about being cut in line. The nearly $1.2B that appeared for refugees because Canada wants to look like it matters could nearly halve the education budget shortfalls in the Indian education system. But that would require putting the mapledong back in Canada’s ironic blue-jeans and addressing problems that could hurt the Canadian ego, so fuck that. In short, the whole project is a demonstration of how simple and defective Canadian nationalism is. If this is “nation-building” and getting a part of the Canadian federation out of the third-world isn’t I frankly think this “nation” needs to be aborted with every clothes hanger in the closet.

Then again, the current “plan” involves dumping people in barracks in rural Central Canada after airlifting them from Jordan and then trusting an unexplained protocol from CSIS and the RCMP with the rest. I would be surprised but I know better, really.





#149 – Senseless

Trudeau restored the long-form census!!

Yeah, the long-form census! Probably one of the most important methods of adminstration, census data is imperative for researchers, businesses, government – basically everyone, in some form or another. It helps to know how many people live in a city over a period of time, for instance; if you can’t figure out why, maybe this blog isn’t the place for you. By some unthinkably-dense oversight the long-form census was reduced to this piece of shit. It’s about as basic as she gets, really – most of this is shit you could figure out by flipping through Facebook, which is what much of the civil service does anyways for want of direction or comprehension of exactly what’s happening. Statscan was scouring Kijiji for employment data, for fuck’s sake.

This shitty short-form census sucked for two reasons. The first was that it didn’t offer much information. The second is that the information was meaningless because people could opt-out with no penalty. This resulted in the predicted collapse of useful data. Planning cities without reliable statistics, trying to estimate taxation income, seeing if anything’s getting better – fuck no, better get rid of it! And it was $22m more expensive, to boot. Canada paid more for a useless census filled with data that by definition missed people. 2011’s census was littered with non-respondants, meaning that by definition the data that was collected doesn’t mean anything.

Recall getting your licence (with apologies for the flashbacks experienced by Ontarian readers). Stephen Harper’s census was akin to making the DriveTest a few true/false questions and then announcing that from now on police won’t check whether drivers have their licence at all. So far, this looks pretty Canadian. But then #RealChange came.

Oh, #RealChange came. Not as hard as the CBC did, but #RealChange delivered a swooping move in reinstating the paperwork of the long-form census. Trudeau posed! The Tweets magicked the form back into being! Statscan cheered! People cheered! The data is back! Planners can plan! Estimators can estimate! Hooray for Twodeau! Huz-

So, the long-form census is back, but that solves one of two problems. What about the mandatory nature of the old census – the part that makes the data useful by denying the chance for opt-out and thus ensuring the finest data available? You know, like Statscan did when it was the envy of the world?


But neither Mr. Bains nor Mr. Duclos could point to specific penalties that will be imposed under their government’s plan to reinstate the mandatory nature of the questionnaire. Instead, they said, the government would be relying on public education and the desire of Canadians to do what is right.

“If you speak to Canadians and you get them engaged in the process, they will fill out the information, and that’s what we are focusing on because we need good, reliable data,” said Mr. Bains. “The law is the law and that does not change.” (source)

You fucking idiots. You drooling Laurentian gorillas. You solved the dependent problem. That’s like if we restored the DriveTest system but told people that, although we still aren’t checking for your licence we’re going to make an ad campaign showing people how great having your licence is. The data is still worthless – you’re just collecting more shit. I can’t even imagine how they fucked this up so badly. Apparently the “evidence” that the Liberals needed is sub-par because Canada-magic makes anything work you guys!!

Holy shit. I’m actually stunned here. I legitimately cannot believe that Trudeau fucked this up so profoundly. You’re relying on public trust? Seriously? Do you think academic research cares about #RealChange? As someone who uses this data, the thought that an ad campaign can convince people to take the time and effort to fill the form out is ludicrous. How can I trust that data? How can anyone trust that data? It’s just more crap. Honestly – Canada can’t even get this right. You know another country that can’t do a census? Lebanon.

Good company to find yourself in, Canada. What a joke.

Edit: There is a penalty – $500 or 3 months in prison. If they catch you, which is another thing entirely.

#146: Terrasses de la Bullshit

Robert Campeau scammed Canada with what looks like the brick-laden poops that Godzilla must get after consuming so many hipsters living in brownstone apartments.

Look at this fucking thing. If the Soviets ever threatened North America with nuclear war I would beg them to have mercy and just bomb this godforsaken architectural shart off the face of the Earth. It’s home to AANDC, so frankly the Soviets would be doing a lot of favors to a lot of people. But I digress.

Robert Campeau is, to be frank, a Canadian aristocrat with several megatons of coin. I mean, look at this fucking house. Anyways, he’s a fraud and a caker businessman, and apologies for the redundancy. Campeau’s rags-to-riches story starts with him frauding his way into an apprenticeship; skill, magic, and a healthy dose of bullshit got him into the Ottawa construction game during the 1970s. Remember this as I tell you of a seemingly unrelated story.

Pierre Trudeau was concerned intellectually and practically with the relationship between Canada and Quebec. In his way, he decided during the 1970s to start developing federal government buildings in Gatineau, which is just across the river from Ottawa. Now, Gatineau wasn’t a unified district or indeed even a single…thing. This is the list of stuff that became modern Gatineau, just so you know what we’re dealing with here. Yes, it’s in French. Yes, you can go fuck yourself and learn another language, doofus.

Aaaanyways, Pierre decided that a huge pile of government buildings needed to go in that pile of villages to foster relations between Quebec and Canada (or, if you’re Pierre Vallieres et al, it’s a colonialist usurpation of territory – up to you). Sadly, this pile of villages and shit hadn’t even had the foresight to become the boring, squalid squatlings of office buildings that it is today*, so Pierre needed someone to go and build a bunch of shit. But who? Who was in the business of building big, shitty buildings quickly? Campeau was already bitching about by-laws demanding that no building be bigger than the Peace Tower, so the guy knew big and he knew hideous. Then he got to know the Liberals.

Tragically for the future of Gatineau, Robert Campeau happened to know a few people. Like this guy. And this guy. And he was smart enough to get Pierre Trudeau a fuckton of popcorn, which is if nothing else a unique form of lobbying. So the $160 million dollar bid for Campeau’s Godzilla-turd of a building was accepted without competition or question. But because Pierre Trudeau is Literally Jesus in the caker conception of Canada the story of this squalid piece of shit goes unregarded and people live with a gorgeous, hilly terrain mired by patronage.

Oh, and did I mention AANDC, the Greatest Swindle of Them All, lurks in this thing? Like a maggot in shit. This is a small part of the reason why lionizing leaders is rarely a good idea, especially when they’re the ones bringing your Constitution home. Oh, and Campeau? He’s hiding in Germany after going bankrupt from the debt he bought by purchasing even more real estate. He tried to hide his assets by giving them to his wife, but…you know what? Let’s just give the final punch of this episode of Shit About Canada to the Yankees:

“Any corporate executive can figure out how to file for bankruptcy when the bottom drops out of the business. It took the special genius of Robert Campeau, chairman of the Campeau Corporation, to figure out how to bankrupt more than 250 profitable department stores. The dramatic jolt to Bloomingdale’s, Abraham & Straus, Jordan Marsh and the other proud stores reflects his overreaching grasp and oversized ego”

*I kind of like being in Gatineau, all told. I prefer it to Ottawa, to be sure.

#140 – AMERIKKKA, Part Nine: Militarization and Fear

RCMP™ Musical Sunset Ceremonial Ride. Sounds so lovely, no? The Mounties™ and their silly costumes riding about in formation so as to amuse tourists and locals alike. What a nice way to end the day with little Timmy the Hockey Squire and Carol the Defeated Hockey Mom. The Brits, Americans, French, and others all have some sort of parade or show highlighting the talents and skills of their servicemen. Why am I bringing the hammer down on this?

Wait what? What in the everloving fuck is this? Was there an attack on the ponies? Who would attack The Mounties™? Well, besides the everyone horribly wronged by them, but-

Oh. That’s part of the show, you say? Yes, ladies and gentlemen. In a country that derides Americans as over-jingoistic fuckbears, we have the most embarrassingly useless police force in the developed world playing take-down-the-bad-guys before a magical, musical pony ride. I’m sure glad children and potentially mentally-unwell veterans and victims are seeing mock-ups of militarized terrorist takedowns, complete with stun and smoke grenades, before what is billed as a family-friendly event. Because nobody in a country that prides itself on taking in refugees has ever experienced a black-bagging police operation, right? The booming voice telling you that this is “keeping Canada safe” and literally reciting the pledge immigrants make when they move to Canada isn’t jingoistic at all!

What’s stunning (pun not intended) is that an event that allegedly left children crying is being billed as…are you ready…? Recruitment. Yes – the RCMP is so desperate for people to not do anything that it will scar your children and potentially bring horrible memories back to those in the audience for the sake of a few people going “oooooh” like troglodytes. To be fair, these are Canadians and thus the RCMP may well be accurately representing the average caker intellect, but Jesus guys. The RCMP defends this on the basis that it’s only 4 minutes, presumably while teabagging n00bsxorz and banging your mom on Xbox Live, and that four minutes of random terror doesn’t do anything to anyone. And they’ve been at it for years so shut up sissies.

Here’s a quote from the link above:

“ERT has been part of the Sunset Ceremonies in Ottawa for approximately 10 years,” RCMP spokesperson Harold Pfleiderer told the National Post in an emailed statement. “It is to show the public an example of the RCMP’s operational response capability in its role as Canada’s national police. The ERT demonstration is not part of Musical Ride performances anywhere other than at Sunset Ceremonies in Ottawa.”

Remember – for all this stupidity and hoo-rah bullshit, this is still a police force that let a lone shooter into the Parliament buildings. The one that doesn’t bother solving murder cases. The one that Tasered a guy to death. That RCMP. You’re trying to convince me that you know what you’re doing by scarring children and playing Call of Duty: Bullshit?

…Actually, yeah. That’s about what I would imagine a group of munsons as pathetic as The Mounties™ doing, really. Good job, morons – keep solving make-believe crimes rather than actual ones. That’s the same as working on the many failings of The Mounties™, right?

#139 – Canadian Storytime, Part Six: Chemical Valley

When you think about chemicals causing damage to children, what sort of places are you thinking about? Chernobyl, perhaps? Or those tragic pictures of Central Asian children playing in and among industrial waste? Well, here’s a new one – this is the story of Aamjiwnaang, Ontario, the front-line sufferers from nearby Sarnia’s Chemical Valley who have to crowdfund their water and soil testing because the Ontario government can’t be arsed to consider that maybe something is wrong with a group of people having one of the highest gender imbalances on Earth. 40% of the women there report miscarriages and stillbirths, a staggering figure. The massive, 100-block sized petrochemical facility provides something on the order of 40% of Canada’s finalized petrol products and produces more air pollution than Manitoba and Saskatchewan. And nestled in the middle of the asscrack of consumer society is…surprise! Indians!

Oh, and don’t you worry – there has never been a federal or provincial evaluation of the matter even though the 2:1 ratio of baby girls to baby boys is most commonly seen in badly-toxified animal populations and has no human equivalent. Yes, folks – Canada out-Soviet’d the Soviet Union with hideous pollution. And then they used the Indian Act’s fell pressures to make people live in the middle of the source and experience exciting events like that time a Shell plant farted out some hydrogen sulfide, which wound up at the reserve day-care. Shockingly, exposing young children to what was once a chemical weapon resulted in horrible pain and illness that was misdiagnosed and thus mistreated because Shell refused to acknowledge that the weird eggy smell was them.

Let’s get something straight here. Gassing people you claim as your own citizens is generally frowned upon. Can you really call the Chippewa and others here citizens when they live under a constant state of siege which in turn comes from the very government claiming them as citizens? That question is more than another example of Canada’s bad faith; if some tribe in Awfuckistan got on Al-Jazeera or whatever and said that the state is encouraging de facto gas attacks on our people I would suspect plenty of rage. This is the stuff cakers go insane about when America (sorry, AmeriKKKa) literally destroys a Palestine or whatever it is the nu-left is claiming. And it’s happening here. And the fucking cakers can’t be arsed to provide actual testing to the point where the population has to beg for money online.

Chemical Valley was placed where it was because the city of Sarnia would have been gassed out of existence otherwise – think My Little Bhopal. Heaven forbid the settlers be in any danger! Well, except for the dangers that come with living in the most polluted city in Canada, but suburbs for settlers grow wherever Canada commands they sprout. Obviously, this place is worth putting on the currency (it once befouled the $10 bill) and then totally ignoring save for the “well then don’t use oil LOL” comments that invariably come from these sorts of commentaries. Oh, and the Indians do have work here – they’re the ones who tell the government that there’s a leak, not the businesses who actually run the plants. Apparently, demanding businesses not recreate World War One over the Great Lakes is too much to ask of Canada’s brilliant business classes.