#61 – Channel Surfing, Part Three: Rick Mercer Reports on Nothing

Rick Mercer is the Don Cherry of the caker left in Canada. I’ll admit to putting this off because watching the man in action is just so unappealing. Look, people. I’ve watched Schitt’s Creek, Little Mosque on the Prairie, and listened to the Vinyl Cafe for the sake of research. They were all insipid, gloopy, flaccid mush. But I would take in every episode of that dreck twice in the name of avoiding this moron and his mouthbreathing Potemkin Tour of Canada. I don’t think it’s possible to any less amused by anything ever put to film than I was while doing the research for this piece. I hate Don Cherry because he is an empty suitrack with a singular competence who nevertheless feels that his reactionary, know-nothing voice is wanted. For Rick I feel much the same, only without the “singular competence” bit. Even the Moan and Wail won’t hesitate to call Mercer a coward!

Let’s start with this noxious example of how Rick peddles in Canadian revisionism:

Rick scores some rotten points immediately with his whinging nonsense about American border security. He makes a point of attempting to break US law by having his driver only bring his driver’s license to the border, and then he sagely advises the viewer that although his passport contains Afghan visas (because Afghans in the US were at the time being horrifically mistreat…oh, wait) he himself is white and therefore should have no problems. He then suggests to his viewers that should he fail to follow (another) US law regarding filming border crosses he will be sent to Syria and tortured. Hey assbag – Canada was complicit in the extradition of Omar Khadr. Amazing how you didn’t mention that part, eh fuckface? He finishes by making it to Buffalo (one wonders how the driver managed to get over, unless he actually had his passport the whole time) and shilling for Tim Horton’s, because you just can’t be a revisionistic shitstain on the face of Canadian “entertainment” without that. DAE security warnings in Canada are the same as the quantity of cream in a shit cup of coffee?


Then we get this laugh-a-minute look at the poverty of Newfoundland:

You see, Rick doesn’t have the balls to make fun of the hideous urban form of Fort McMurray or the ludicrous stupidity of having a mono-industrial town in the middle of nowhere. Instead, he decides that it’s hilarious to say that as a thirty-something year old Newfie it’s shocking that he hasn’t been to Fort McMurray. Never mind that this guy already has a job, making the entire joke utterly pointless. But don’t worry – Tim Horton’s is hiring!! What’s with this moron and his idle worship of Tim Horton’s? I also find it remarkable how the notion of sending remittances to failed parts of this country is rendered into humor by Rick. Tee hee, aren’t the Maritime provinces just so fucking poor? LOL having to leave your home to find work in extractive bullshit is funny! HAHAH-oh, right. Funny how Rick never jokes about how trashy Fort McMurray is.

And this isn’t even the worst of Rick. His wretched show is mercifully kaput, but he maintains his idiotic ramblings in a Toronto alleyway with his singularly blunt “Rick’s Rant”, where he shills for #RealChange by effectively suggesting that Canadians are too stupid to oppose obvious failures in the Canadian state because they will instead idly point to Donald Trump. It turns out that Canadians are not in fact immune to populism, as future Premier Doug Ford looms over Ontario like the Hindenburg coming in for a landing. Or this unbearable left-caker insinuation that only white people can hold reactionary views and thus that only white people are responsible for civic and social failure in this country.

Part of the reason I took so long to do this is because I genuinely want to punch this gob in the nose every time I look at him. To read the comments on these videos it seems like Rick is fooling Canadians into believing in their ramshackle shit-shack just fine, which is even more alarming and disheartening. A propagandist with an unfunny bundle of jokes and the kind of comforting upper-middle-class opinions that middle management bleats out over Thanksgiving dinner, Rick Mercer represents a Canada that is simply too scared to meaningfully self-reflect. I can’t wait to watch him squirm when Doug Ford becomes Premier of Ontario, mostly because I’m curious as to how these caker munsons will try to pass this off as somehow congruent with their revisionistic make-believe.





#11 – AMERIKKKA, Part Two: A Flagging Grasp of Reality

English Canadians love to make fun of Americans and the pride that they have in their flag. Too bad for cakertown that Canadians are also flag-obsessed. But how can we feign superiority when we act the same way that Americans do? This sounds like a job for every caker’s favorite make-believe, AmeriKKKa!

The American people and their flag represent fundamentally important ideas in Western political thought. There’s a reason other countries (particularly those that were themselves breakaways from colonial empires) mimic the American flag. It stands for something – a concept of liberty and republican government with obvious and massive consequences for our world. The American people fought a brutal Civil War over the meaning of the words symbolized by the American flag. To this day, American schoolchildren recite these words: “I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of American, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all”. Embedded in the flag are the very real aspirations of the American people, aspirations and ideas that have informed people the world over. That’s something to be proud of, I think.

Canadians like to claim that they do something like this too, but in reality the Canadian flag and its supposed ideals – social equality, tolerant societal norms, equal opportunity across the country – were never true and are worked towards only in spurts that quickly decay into atrophy and stupidity. Canada can develop a public healthcare system but it can’t make such a system work effectively and skimps out on minor concerns like pharmaceuticals, mental health, eyecare and dental care where other countries have been able to improve upon their systems. It’s hard to believe in Canada’s commitment to human rights when it so clearly cannot and does not care about rampant poverty and desperation within Canada; where the American flag invites consideration of powerful ideas the Canadian flag is used to wallpaper over problems by proclaiming values that in no way match policy on the ground as national standards.

Here to get the caker’s tiny mind around this obvious problem is AmeriKKKa. Gone is the nuance of American thought. Away with obvious evidence that America has in many ways successfully moved in the direction of its state ideals over the course of history! AmeriKKKa is a cesspit of guns and idjits. Can’t give anyone in that population any sort of literacy or capacity for thought. Without the symbolism of the flag and conjoined with an understanding of AmeriKKKans as some sort of sentient meatloaf-creatures  the admittedly tacky displaying of American flags becomes a hilarious, garish display of mindless idol worship in the ruined third-world disaster zone known as AmeriKKKa.

And then Canadians do the same exact thing and get extraordinarily defensive when it’s pointed out to them. Massive Canadian flags can be seen all over the parking lagoons and gas stations of this paved-over chokeway of a country, but this behavior is totally not at all like when the Americans do the same exact thing. And why isn’t it? The answer typically devolves into either AmeriKKKans r dumm or some sort of claim that Canada is in some more valid in claiming adherence to its stated values. America fought to eradicate slavery; when did Canadians take a stand against the genocidal Indian Act? American companies certainly do a lot of damage to the world; Americans regularly and frequently protest their power as an abomination in the eyes of the ideals of personal freedom. But Barrick Gold ain’t exactly smiles and cuddles. Where is Canada’s outrage towards its own fell companies? Americans hate the power of lobbyists and other shadowy figures; where’s the outrage with Canada’s notorious lax rules? Canada talks a great game, but in reality the goal is always inertia.

Instead of confronting those ideas and noticing that American protestors speak of reclaiming the American experiment from hijackers and wealthy freeloaders while Canadians seem content to justify any failure from any one of Canada’s useless elites, cakers turn to AmeriKKKa and its cartoonized verion of the American people so that Canada’s negligent mediocrity and efforts to pretend to have standards can look more beliveable in their uncritical eyes.