A Guide to the Headings

The following series appear in this blog at current. Here’s what they’re about!

REPEAT OFFENDERS:

There are some themes behind Canada’s sheer mass of rolling stupidity that simply have too many facets to explore in 400-some word venomous postings. Also, I get to make amusing names.

AMERIKKKA:

A series dealing with English Canada’s cringeworthy relationship with the United States. Reflects upon Anglo-Canadian hypocrisies and mischaracterizations associated with the United States of America that have the strength of myth in Canada.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10

TIM HORTONS’ BROWN SLUDGE WATER™:

A discussion of Anglo-Canadian myopia regarding the inferior fast-food chain Tim Hortons and the false pride that English Canada takes in consuming its products. Topics focus on the strange relationship between Tim Hortons and other corporate-Canadiana generators and the implications of Canada’s pay-to-belong culture.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

THE CULT(URE) OF HOCKEY:

“Canada’s game” is just like any other minor sport, but to hear English Canadians talk about it the only way to be a halfway decent person is to spend at least a few hours on the ice a week. Here’s what they’re missing about The Game in between mindless screaming sessions.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13

JOHNNY MACDINGUS’ ALL-CANADIAN LEGACY:

A country whose first leader handed out patronage appointments like candy is bound to carry on in the spirit of corruption, patronage, and uselessness. Canada’s leaders have boldly and valiantly carried out this twisted legacy, doing their part to ensure Canada’s continued mediocrity for decades to come.

1, 2, 3, 4

SPORTS AND WEATHER:

The two primary conversation pieces of English Canada, the Sports and Weather series magnifies the ersatz attempt at conversation and culture that English Canadians perform and the implications of being a group of people who have nothing worth saying to say.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

THE JOB FAIRY:

Who needs meaningful analysis of labor relations and the Anglo-Canadian corporate world when you have the Job Fairy to magic away all ills and push down any attempts at reform? Since the Job Fairy is as imagined as most Anglo-Canadian conceptions of the Canadian economy, I’ll assume a good chunk of people and come out swinging appropriately.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

GETTING SCHOOLED:

Going to an institute for post-secondary education in English Canada is a bad idea. Here’s a whack of reasons why you and your sweet tuition money should roll on past this anti-intellectual sinkhole.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

THE MYTH OF THE MILITARY:

A lot of English Canadians have few options outside of the armed forces because of the Job Fairy. Here are some of the shitty things Canada does to its armed forces and a takedown of some of the worst revisionism about Canada’s military history.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

CANADIAN STORYTIME:

An unrepentant, unapologetic, balls-to-the-wall retelling of some of Canada’s darkest hours and the pitiful lack of response from Canada that some of humanity’s most abhorrent acts have scored.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

CHANNEL SURFING:

Bland, uninspired, revisionist tripe that gets rolled around and around in the Anglo-Canadian cultural palate like a wine made of shit is a staple of Canadiana. Whether it’s reflecting on one of the many yawn-bombs of the CBC’s attempts to stay relevant or more general talk about the dreadful state of Canada’s telecom world, English Canada is sure to provide plenty of kwality.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13

STARVE  THE SOUL, FEED THE EGO:

Despite itself, English Canada has managed to produce some solid people doing solid things. Naturally, English Canada has no time for these shenanigans and doesn’t flinch in the slightest when its mythological construct of Canada requires that good people get crushed under the millstones of revisionism. Here are the tales of some of them.

1, 2, 3, 4

SPECIAL SERIES:

The special series happen whenever the fuck I feel like putting a few topics together and closing the whole kit and kaboodle in one punch. Typically, special series will happen all at once (rather than the fuck-it-I-wanna-write-about-this that defines this blog normally). I may revisit topics here too because why not.

THE TRIPTYCH OF DEATH:

Death is a common theme in Canada, where ineptitude is celebrated despite its lethal consequences. This three-part special series comments on three of Canada’s most vulnerable populations – infants, the elderly, and the suicidal – and how little Canada cares for their plights. Needless pain and suffering is a Canadian tradition!

1, 2, 3

UGH, CANADA:

Holy fuck does the Canadian anthem not make any sense. Here’s me showcasing why O Canada is the perfect anthem for a fucked-up blunderland like Canada.

1, 2

MEET THE OWNERS:

The NHL’s franchises are owned by some shitty, shitty people. Add that to the Canadiana incumbent to hockeymans and you have cruise control for all-Canadian uselessness. This thrilling seven-part series is going to bring the slam down on some of Canada’s most worthless enterprises – and entrepreneurs.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

SEETHING BALL OF CACK:

Surprise! The CBC is full of holes! Taking aim at the individuals at Canada’s troubled, scandal-ridden national broadcaster is like shooting fish in a barrel. Join me as we expose corruption, carelessness, poor planning, and stupidity at the only national newscaster that I know wants you to #Fallfor it.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9

CRIME MINISTERS:

Canada’s Prime Ministers are a bunch that have had their historical legacies covered by revisionistic wallpaper. Some are forgotten; others are merely unduly lionized. All of them deserve a more complete analysis. This is my attempt at unwinding the Canadian mythology and identifying the truly useful leaders of Canada. This is going to be a long trip and the Prime Ministers’ actions may appear under other headings, but you’ll be able to read all about Canada’s “leadership” sequentially here.

John A. Macdonald: 1, 2, 3
Alexander Mackenzie: 1
John Abbott:
1
John Sparrow David Thompson:
1
Mackenzie Bowell:
1
Charles Tupper:
1
Wilfrid Laurier:
1, 2
Robert Borden:
1, 2, 3
Arthur Meighen:
1
William Lyon Mackenzie King:
1, 2
Richard Bedford (R.B) Bennett:
1
Louis St. Laurent:
1
John Diefenbaker:
1
Lester Pearson:
Pierre Trudeau:
Joe Clark:
John Turner:
Brian Mulrooney:
Kim Campbell:
Jean Chretien:
Paul Martin:
Stephen Harper:
Justin Trudeau:

3 thoughts on “A Guide to the Headings”

  1. Hey! Everything you write is spot on and it is creeping me out that we even have the same thoughts and opinion. I’ve been reading a lot and I wanted to ask you if you could write something about the 2016 census because I’ve lived in 2 different countries (moldova;1992 moved to Israel and to Canada) and I’ve never felt so lost and so frustrated about my own government. When I left Israel in 2007 I was really proud that I’ve moved to this country and I was amazed how well everything is going right until I tasted the not giving a fuk feast that is wasrming up here.. Today i’ve been visited by one of the census slaves and that guy really rev me up… I am totally confused and feel like that govt. is reaching soviet attitude… if not nazi… he shouted; You gonna go to jail for not doing your census kid! As I was closing my door on him… I mean hiring druggies to do door to door shit and calling it confidential when they guy gets $13/hr temporery position. This is outrages and I really hope you gonna mention something about this mass data collection that was forced by U.S.A firms… Canada is turning into shit very fast and this not-giving-a-fuk is growing even more with this comfortably degenerated nation!

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    1. Hey,

      Thanks for following along, friend! The 2016 census is definitely suspect for the usual reasons: Pravda (the CBC) hyped the census and how popular/cool it was while hammering in the idea that Canadians had 8 days to do the fucking thing. It was a ploy to show that “Canada is Back!” because it’s a literary parallel to Harper’s 2011 census. The fact that such a cheap narrarative would only be pushed by the lamest of storytellers is beside the point.

      Another reason I doubt the merits of the census has to do with your complaints. I met with a city planner in my hometown who complained about what he called a “beer and pizza” mentality amongst the cakers. Cakers want the trappings of development with none of the costs. They want whatever’s in vogue right now for as cheap as it can possibly be done. The census was one of those; it was spun into some hip and trendy nonsense and was executed on the backs of temp workers and misinformation.

      Instead of properly funding the institution and realizing the merits of data, Canada has opted to let Statscan rot. The OECD has better data on Canada’s housing market than Canada does. Simply put, cakers have decided that they don’t want to hear bad news anymore. The 1970s and early 1980s are a key time in Canadian revisionism: Pierre Trudeau is surrounded with mythology for his brash demeanor and populist charm, and Repatriation (1982) went south so Canada instead likes to lie about that too.

      The census is crap, and that’s a shame. On the whole I’m totally okay with filling out census data. If I’m going to know what ideas to bring to a neighborhood I need to know vaguely who’s there. Planners and academics need the data. But when it’s done in such a roughshod way with an institution that is clearly losing some of the public’s trust (i.e.: if Statscan were professional and decent I would trust them more in dealings with other agencies). With the long-form (i.e.: the really useful one) restricted to one-in-four, the data is actually quite scant.

      Anyways, when we start seeing the results of the train wreck I’ll be writing about the results. It’s coming! Thanks again for writing!

      Like

      1. Thank you so much for clearing it out for me! I have no problems with filling out the form it’s just that it will really denifit them or help them in investigation. I don’t think it’s confidential enough and the way they force you to do it.. I really dough they will put me in jail(like thw guys said) or even fine me.. most upsetting is that so many people are ok with this push and pitical reaction is: oh I better fill it up fast! I mean what’s next? It’s only gonna go harsher from this point.

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