If you are looking for a sequential list of Canada’s shortcomings, you will want to use the Table of Contents. This page exists to organize series and special series that run throughout this blog.
There are some themes behind Canada’s sheer mass of rolling stupidity that keep coming up. I find it easier to use instances of general phenomena to try and more completely flesh out the unhealthy, discordant, toxic national gestalt. Hence we have series, where we take one strand of a general problem and run with it to highlight the depths of turdliness in the great caker punch bowl.
A series dealing with English Canada’s cringeworthy relationship with the United States. Reflects upon Anglo-Canadian hypocrisies and mischaracterizations associated with the United States of America that have the strength of myth in Canada.
TIM HORTONS’ BROWN SLUDGE WATER™:
A discussion of Anglo-Canadian myopia regarding the inferior fast-food chain Tim Hortons and the false pride that English Canada takes in consuming its products. Topics focus on the strange relationship between Tim Hortons and other corporate-Canadiana generators and the implications of Canada’s pay-to-belong culture.
THE CULT(URE) OF HOCKEY:
“Canada’s game” is just like any other minor sport, but to hear English Canadians talk about it the only way to be a halfway decent person is to spend at least a few hours on the ice a week. Here’s what they’re missing about The Game in between mindless screaming sessions.
JOHNNY MACDINGUS’ ALL-CANADIAN LEGACY:
A country whose first leader handed out patronage appointments like candy is bound to carry on in the spirit of corruption, patronage, and uselessness. Canada’s leaders have boldly and valiantly carried out this twisted legacy, doing their part to ensure Canada’s continued mediocrity for decades to come.
SPORTS AND WEATHER:
The two primary conversation pieces of English Canada, the Sports and Weather series magnifies the ersatz attempt at conversation and culture that English Canadians perform and the implications of being a group of people who have nothing worth saying to say.
THE JOB FAIRY:
Who needs meaningful analysis of labor relations and the Anglo-Canadian corporate world when you have the Job Fairy to magic away all ills and push down any attempts at reform? Since the Job Fairy is as imagined as most Anglo-Canadian conceptions of the Canadian economy, I’ll assume a good chunk of people and come out swinging appropriately.
Going to an institute for post-secondary education in English Canada is a bad idea. Here’s a whack of reasons why you and your sweet tuition money should roll on past this anti-intellectual sinkhole.
THE MYTH OF THE MILITARY:
A lot of English Canadians have few options outside of the armed forces because of the Job Fairy. Here are some of the shitty things Canada does to its armed forces and a takedown of some of the worst revisionism about Canada’s military history.
An unrepentant, unapologetic, balls-to-the-wall retelling of some of Canada’s darkest hours and the pitiful lack of response from Canada that some of humanity’s most abhorrent acts have scored.
Bland, uninspired, revisionist tripe that gets rolled around and around in the Anglo-Canadian cultural palate like a wine made of shit is a staple of Canadiana. Whether it’s reflecting on one of the many yawn-bombs of the CBC’s attempts to stay relevant or more general talk about the dreadful state of Canada’s telecom world, English Canada is sure to provide plenty of kwality.
STARVE THE SOUL, FEED THE EGO:
Despite itself, English Canada has managed to produce some solid people doing solid things. Naturally, English Canada has no time for these shenanigans and doesn’t flinch in the slightest when its mythological construct of Canada requires that good people get crushed under the millstones of revisionism. Here are the tales of some of them.
And on the other side of that coin, here’s the bit where we cover the legacies of every single one of Canada’s Prime Ministers. Almost every single one of these bastards have had their historical legacies covered by revisionistic wallpaper. Some are forgotten; others are merely unduly lionized; still others are denigrated for their attempts to actually make Canada suck less. This is going to be a long trip and there may be some overlap between this and other series, but here is where you’ll find the list of losers and my thoughts on each.
John A. Macdonald: 1, 2, 3
Alexander Mackenzie: 1
John Abbott: 1
John Sparrow David Thompson: 1
Mackenzie Bowell: 1
Charles Tupper: 1
Wilfrid Laurier: 1, 2
Robert Borden: 1, 2, 3
Arthur Meighen: 1
William Lyon Mackenzie King: 1, 2
Richard Bedford (R.B) Bennett: 1
Louis St. Laurent: 1
John Diefenbaker: 1
The special series is what I’ll use when I want to make a specific point in a series of posts. You’ll notice that these all follow one another; this is because I did a pile of research and wanted to get the whole topic or point out of the way in a sort of burst. You can also find these in the Table of Contents, where every post is listed sequentially.
THE QUADRIPTYCH OF DEATH:
Canadians have a tendency to snow truth behind comforting numbers. This series exists to break that notion once and for all, by going beyond some of Canada’s most lethal statistics to reveal the grisly failures that Canada perpetuates on its citizens. Topics include the infant mortality rate, a conversation about quality-of-life juxtaposed against Canada’s life expectancy, a grim look into Canada’s suicide rates, and finally fatal workplace accidents. Because it shockingly turns out that horrifying PSAs aren’t the same thing as standards. Surprise!
Holy fuck does the Canadian anthem not make any sense. Here’s me showcasing why O Canada is the perfect anthem for a fucked-up blunderland like Canada.
MEET THE OWNERS:
The NHL’s franchises are owned by some shitty, shitty people. Add that to the Canadiana incumbent to hockeymans and you have cruise control for all-Canadian uselessness. This thrilling seven-part series is going to bring the slam down on some of Canada’s most worthless enterprises – and entrepreneurs.
SEETHING BALL OF CACK:
Surprise! The CBC is full of holes! Taking aim at the individuals at Canada’s troubled, scandal-ridden national broadcaster is like shooting fish in a barrel. Join me as we expose corruption, carelessness, poor planning, and stupidity at the only national newscaster that I know wants you to #Fallfor it.