Travelers Beware: Advice for Foreigners

Are you looking to move to Canada? Here are some pointers!


Seriously. Canada is a hellhole. Why the fuck are you moving here? I see a few Europeans following this blog (goenendag, alle!) and I assure you that there is nothing here that would constitute an improvement for you. If you’re choosing a country to move to in North America, the choice is really which of a narrow band of US states you want to move to. Or I suppose Quebec is always an option, though they wisely do their own thing with immigration and I know nothing about that system so you’re on your own.

I strongly urge you to reconsider working in Canada. Even the refugee will find starvation here, albeit of the spiritual kind rather than the physical kind. Don’t come to English Canada as a tourist unless you’re going out into the wilderness to go camping or something. Run, don’t walk. Don’t believe the ads. Don’t believe the Canadiana bullshit on the Internet. Have you seen how much of it there is? That’s Canadians trying to doublethink their way through a country with the innovative capacity of roadkill and the cultural force of a wet diaper filled with bees.

If you must come to English Canada…

To set the mood, please begin here:

I’m so, so sorry. If you’re doomed to live in English Canada, consider if your country of origin allows for compassionate euthanasia which part of this rancid morass you are being forced to move to. Each province has a different schema of bullshit for you to wade through on top of the unthinkable shittiness of the country writ large, and the purpose of this segment of the website is to warn you about the failures of each part of Canada. If you’re here you probably are at least questioning the caker propaganda. Let me assure you – if you are not filled with deep, profound dread at the prospect of moving to Canada, you are not emotionally prepared for the horror that awaits you.

So let’s get one thing straight – you will find wasteland everywhere here. Miles of concrete and gray, fart-mouthed garglesharts trapped on gray freeways in gray cities leading gray lives from Victoria to St. John. Meaningless, idle lives led in slapdash, unplanned housing in shitty, cultureless abortions of cities is a national phenomenon. A lifetime of laboring for nothing awaits you here. If Dante were alive today, Canada would be his inspiration for Purgatory. Living here is Sysiphian. It is hard labor wasted on elbowless, formless, spongy holding companies branded with maple leaves and red-and-white. This is the slow-death, the painful squeaking miserable quiet death of frogs in a pot of ever-warming water.

Some mental preparation for this Eldritch terror is a good idea. Here’s a good start. Find pictures of the old Soviet Union. You know, all of those lovely cracking freeways and hideous concrete residences grasping for mediocrity as they crumble? Those. Look at them. Post them around your house. Get used to them. Then find a picture of a Canadian flag and post a copy of it on every other Stalincock tower in sight. If you do this correctly you should see a Canadian flag roughly every 10 feet. Does your newly-bedecked home now make you want to cry, to give up and retreat to bed and just never come out again? Welcome to Mondays in Canada. And Tuesdays. And the rest of the week too, for that matter. Remember the song Blue? This is Gray, and it’s your new favorite color besides red-and-white.

Did you check with the euthanasia folks? No dice, eh? Your emotional state is unlikely to substantially deviate from the hilarious meme music video I linked earlier. Emotional torment is your eternal mistress until your return to civilization.There is no escape here. There is only a difference in flavors of abhorrence.

Ready, comrade Kharitovski? Your options for locations to receive your brutal punishment are:

British Columbia:

Stereotypical inhabitants: Triad members, organic free-range urban kale farmers, Eastern English Canadian refugees

Issues (sample): Indian affairs; environmental degradation; extreme cost of living; hotspot for international money laundering; major income disparity; limited meaningful employment prospects


Stereotypical inhabitants: Rednecks, macho-construction dudes, hicks from out East, oilmen in cowboy hats, born-again Christians

Issues (sample): Indian affairs; incredible environmental devastation; ridiculously unstable provincial royalties income; loathsome business class; dangerous urban planning


Stereotypical inhabitants: Farmers, hicks, profiteers, people who think wearing a watermelon on your head is a good idea, literally nobody else

Issues (sample): Boredom; poverty; poor planning; limited prospects in non-extractive industries; broken infrastructure; rampant racism; painfully bad weather; insane devotion to the Canadian Football League; Saskatoon doesn’t even fucking recycle; violence


Stereotypical inhabitants: Indian gangs, suburban mini-van driving idiots, hicks, military

Issues (sample): Indian gangs; rampant poverty; limited prospects; collapsing infrastructure; boredom; bugs; violence; useless public transit; bumpkin-culture; rampant racism. Probably not worth salvaging.

Ontario – The North:

Stereotypical inhabitants: desperate Indigenous, people too poor to bail out of failed one-industry towns, the shattered husks of the mentally and physically unwell, disgusting rich caker filth on fishing charters

Issues (sample): Non-existent public transit, grinding unemployment, lack of fresh food, poor medical facilities, people live in actual, literal fucking shacks, virtual economic shutdown in the winter. Northern Ontario is the part of the province that Toronto would really rather you just pretend wasn’t there.

Ontario – Blue-Collar Country:

Stereotypical inhabitants: unemployed college grads, unemployed factory laborers, drugged-up suburban high-schoolers, retirees living in squalor at St. God’s Waiting Room and Retirement Home

Issues (sample): Poor transit system; collapsing infrastructure; limited prospects; rising cost of living; population potentially hostile to non-white newcomers; police corruption; hidden poverty; bumpkin-culture leading to extreme cliquishness. You will be an outsider for decades in small-town Ontario.

Ontario – The GTA:

Stereotypical inhabitants: English Canadian businessmen, overdressed women, suburb-dwellers trapped on highways, poor-ass students, rich immigrants who are just here to park their money, overworked young “up-and-comings”

Issues (sample): Insane cost of living; poor design of the areas outside downtown; severe income disparity; extreme boredom relative to its size; relatively uncultured; home to Canada’s useless business classes. You can’t afford to live here and if you can you can do better than Toronto.

Ontario – Ottawa:

Stereotypical inhabitants: banal bureaucrats, poor-ass students, irritating sychophants, homeless Inuit; miserable professional beta-male sellouts; grumpy, spiteful people who realized too late that their lives are meaningless

Issues (sample): rampant overpricing of goods and services; poorly-planned with little interest in improvement; bad and overpriced public transit; limited employment prospects; strong chance of ending up as “working poor”. Fuck this city with a rake made of dildoes.


C’est la belle province. A rare beacon of culture and joie de vivre. Probably the only Canadian population able to live in a manner conducive to humans rather than rodents. That said, Quebec is hardly without its problems.

Issues (sample): Indigenous relations are at rock-bottom, attached to and attacked by English Canada at every turn, occasionally governed by Liberals.

New Brunswick:

Stereotypical inhabitants: unemployed people, the elderly, bilingual hicks, Acadians

Issues (sample): unemployment; poor access to services; poor access to the rest of the country; the province is owned by the Irvings; monotone media culture; little economic improvement beyond extraction as per the Irving fiefdom

Prince Edward Island:

Stereotypical inhabitants: potatoes and their caretakers (who may actually be sentient potatoes themselves)

Issues (sample): no access to abortion providers; unemployment; seriously, you’re debating moving to P.E.I?

Nova Scotia:

Stereotypical inhabitants: unemployed fisherman, members of the Canadian Navy, punks, people left behind by those who “went West” to find work

Issues (sample): violence; poverty; unemployment; limited prospects; poor transit; poor access to the rest of Canada; Halifax is uncultured and boring

Newfoundland and Labrador:

Stereotypical inhabitants: Newfies. That’s it

Issues (sample): unemployment; poor access to the rest of Canada; drug abuse; police corruption; uncautious oil extraction

The North:

Stereotypical inhabitants: Not you. Stay well the fuck away

Issues (sample): see everything listed above, then multiply infinitely. Seriously – it’s that bad. Basic foodstuffs cost hundreds of dollars. The bugs will eat you alive. And the land belongs to the Inuit anyways, meaning that moving there is akin to being a Canadian flagpole.

You picked your poison, eh?

Don’t forget that the things I write about are also there and most are generally applicable. Are you sure you want to do this? Unless you owe someone a shit-ton of money or something you’re better off in a place with a soul. Anyways, here are some general pointers for temporary Canadians:

– English Canadian government systems are unreliable, understaffed, and prone to failure. Do not rely on the Canadian or provincial governments to provide assistance unless not doing so would be a public relations disaster for the government.

– English Canadian artistic content laws (“Can-Con”) ensures that you will hear more Bryan Adams and Nickelback songs than human beings should experience. It also means that Canada is full of shitty versions of American reality television.

– English Canadians are cold, arrogant, cliquish, hypocritical, and banal. Do not expect to make lasting friends during your stay in Canada unless you guzzle the Kanada Kool-Aid so hard that it replaces the blood in your veins.

– You will not see most of the country. If you are out east going west is expensive and takes a long time. The same is true going the other way. Do not expect to see at least half of the country (not like it’s worth seeing anyways, but still). You also will not be able to enjoy “the great outdoors” unless you drive a car.

– The telecom oligarchs in Canada will shaft you with mobile phone use. Expect insane charges and be ready to call RoBellUs (they’re all the same) to contest seemingly random charges to your phone bill. The same is true for Internet and other telecom systems.

– Canadian cities are cripplingly, ass-wrinklingly boring. Do not expect art galleries or cultural events to be well-attended (or even extant) in Canada. Ottawa’s “downtown” is a good place to film a zombie movie on a Saturday morning.

– Do not come for the food. English Canada is one of the world’s greatest underperformers in terms of turning amazing produce into shit food. Outside of a couple of major hubs (and even there get ready to be royally gouged), the food scene rarely gets beyond microwaving crap. Also be prepared to shell out a fortune for shit food.

– Be very careful when purchasing “Indigenous” goods; be sure to inspect the product you want to buy before doing so, lest you end up supporting white people using Indigenous cultural icons to make themselves wealthy. Don’t support caker businesses engaging in this wretched practice.

– Expect rampant public and private drunkenness. If you don’t like dodging puke and dealing with screaming chimps do not attend a major sporting event in this country. This is especially true of the NHL.

Testaments to Canada’s crappiness:

First is Martin, a poor soul from Albion who made the unfortunate mistake of moving to this bog. He writes:

“As a Brit who departed his native English shores for a vast, desolate land that is either boiling to death or buried in snow at subarctic temperatures, I am horrified at the low standards, expectations and CHOSEN living conditions that the locals cherish and take great pride in. Sure there is some beautiful countryside here spoiler only by the building of slum-equivalent cities manufactured out of cardboard and sold for exorbitant amounts of failing Canadian dollars to morons that will not let the redneck pioneering spirit of half-arsed efforts die to enable them to move on (or attempt to at least) to an enriched life.

When I first heard the Canadian anthem (at a hockey game where the spectators spent more time aimless wondering around, meeting up with friends and going back and forth to the umpteen different fast food chains selling meals unfit for human consumption and beer that was flat….than paying attention to what the kids were doing on the ice) yes the anthem….. I laughed uncontrollably! What a load of tosh! I don’t think the American accent helped but for over a year I was convinced that the lyrics were “we stand on God for thee”. I think it works better than the real lyrics though as the attitude seems to be I don’t give a f@@@, as long as I can rip up the countryside in my truck, bike, skidoo and shoot sh1t for no reason.”

Thank you, Martin. Thank you and Godspeed on your retreat from this hellish podunk wasteland.

Up next is this reddit post from /r/Indonesia. Hold on to your fucking hats, because some thermonuclear truth is coming up on this one!

r-Indonesia Shit About Canada Post

If cakers knew anything about the world around them being told that they were being cast aside for Moldova, literally the saddest place on Earth, they would…probably browbeat the innocent person who dared to question best country of Canada, honestly. Many thanks to /u/FantasyBorderline for using this blog as a means to combat caker propaganda – that’s what this fucker is for, and it warms my heart to see it being used to flatten some caker mythology!

130 thoughts on “Travelers Beware: Advice for Foreigners”

  1. Canada is a ripoff these days. 3 million for a shipping container sized house in Toronto, but $500,000 can buy you a mansion in Florida.


    1. So true, I work full time but can’t afford to live. We pay insanely high tax and watch the rich get rich while we struggle. Inflation rates are high while pay rates remain low. Passive aggressive and ready to explode but when we do say something somebody is offended. Carbon tax is ridiculous on top of our already high tax


  2. Canada is a Ponzi scheme, and only a few wealthy families residing in the millionaire communities of Bridle Path and Rosedale are banking it richer for every immigrant they scam to come to this toxic wasteland.

    Enjoy severing ties to your home country by liquidating everything (thus making it impossible to return), and having to resort to working in dead-end jobs and being treated as a second class citizen.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s common for international students to pay tuition for internship “jobs”. Working for free and also paying for it is the new minimum wage in Toronto.


  4. Come to Canada, and DIE in the most inhumane way. He died at the workplace, yet the staff had to continue working as if nothing happened. Right here in Toronto! A worker died and staff had to continue working and the factory was still operating. Life has no meaning if you are poor in Canada, but the Bridle Path millionaires are living the good life.

    Do you want to migrate to Canada and die in Toronto as a serf? The Filipino man was a civil engineer in his home country and in UAE, but in Toronto, he DIED a factor worker, and even when he died, the Bridle Path owners forced the workers to keep on working, even after seeing a worker die in the most horrible way; crushed by a faulty machine. Come to Toronto and SUFFER!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Non-white immigrants are between a rock and a hard place solely because left-leaning politics view all men, including non-white men, as oppressors of Canadian women, and right-leaning politics view all non-whites, including non-white men, as undesired people who should go back to where they originated.

    I’ve noticed that the racist hate that is growing in Europe has set shop in Canada, and due to ‘multi-culturalism’, racist European enclaves are in Toronto that are hostile to non-whites.

    What is Canada really? Why can’t Canadians assimilate like the USA?

    Canadian cities such as Toronto are ticking time bombs for civil unrest. There are too many different people who pledge loyalty to their own race or religion than to the Trudeau’s post-national state of Canada.


  6. You know when Canada is bad when your body refuses to wake up, and despite every living organism has a survival mechanism (such as waking up during episodes of sleep apnea to prevent choking to death), you have to force feed your body after losing dozens of lbs of weight due to refusing to eat.

    Canada is a post-feminist country where young men are treated as second class citizens. The only men who are given respect in this country are the elites. The women will NEVER go against those who rule over them.

    Frozen country, with a frozen culture, and frozen dating. Choose your poison.


  7. Canada is a waste of time.

    Studied for lots of years, earned lots of degrees, but still can’t get a full time job.

    And no, it’s not “Gender Studies” or some Liberal Arts degree.

    Was I scammed in studying here?

    This country also has some sort of gender politics going on too…Weird and bizarre country.


  8. any European Canadian born here, if they have any sense, will just move to a small town and watch the fires burn fro ma very safe distance


    1. It’s large cities which fund the existence of smaller towns.

      This is exactly how the ignorant think. They want their termite houses to increase in property assessments, which happens due to mass immigration, yet dislike immigrants.

      Just like the Polish nationalist. Poland has benefited tremendously from the EU membership, but Poland dislikes Jews and immigrants. Jews and immigrants contributed a lot towards the economy of the EU.


      1. Termite houses? What do you call the hovels in India? Immigrants flooding in doesn’t exactly increase property assessments. The opposite. Curry dens and kebab stands on every corner and a third world ghetto with a Babel assortment of languages collapses them. So mass migration actually decreases property values and only slum lords benefit.

        Does only Poland dislike Jews? they have not been expelled from 110 nations over history for no reason. There is a reason they are probably the most disliked people on the planet. Poland was plagued with so many of them for so long that that their reaction is understandable.


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