Are you looking to move to Canada? Here are some pointers!
Seriously. Canada is a hellhole. Why the fuck are you moving here? I see a few Europeans following this blog (goenendag, alle!) and I assure you that there is nothing here that would constitute an improvement for you. If you’re choosing a country to move to in North America, the choice is really which of a narrow band of US states you want to move to. Or I suppose Quebec is always an option, though they wisely do their own thing with immigration and I know nothing about that system so you’re on your own.
I strongly urge you to reconsider working in Canada. Even the refugee will find starvation here, albeit of the spiritual kind rather than the physical kind. Don’t come to English Canada as a tourist unless you’re going out into the wilderness to go camping or something. Run, don’t walk. Don’t believe the ads. Don’t believe the Canadiana bullshit on the Internet. Have you seen how much of it there is? That’s Canadians trying to doublethink their way through a country with the innovative capacity of roadkill and the cultural force of a wet diaper filled with bees.
If you must come to English Canada…
To set the mood, please begin here:
I’m so, so sorry. If you’re doomed to live in English Canada, consider
if your country of origin allows for compassionate euthanasia which part of this stain you’re moving into. Each province has a different schema of bullshit for you to wade through. Imagine Banjo-Kazooie but with every single level being a goddamn mess. This is Big Rigs levels of bullshit, son. If you are not filled with deep, profound dread at the prospect of moving to Canada, you either aren’t listening to Chopin or you aren’t listening to me.
So let’s get this straight – you will find wasteland everywhere here. Miles of concrete and gray, fart-mouthed garglesharts trapped on gray freeways in gray cities leading gray lives. Meaningless, idle lives led in slapdash, unplanned housing in shitty, cultureless abortions of cities. A lifetime of laboring for nothing awaits you here. If Dante were alive today, Canada would be his inspiration for Purgatory. Living here is Sysiphian. It is hard labor wasted on elbowless, formless, spongy holding companies branded with maple leaves and red-and-white. This is the slow-death, the painful squeaking miserable quiet death of frogs in a pot of warming water.
Some mental preparation is a good idea. Find pictures of the old Soviet Union – you know, those lovely cracking freeways and hideous concrete Stalincocks grasping for mediocrity as they crumble? Those. Look at them. Post them around your house. Get used to them. Then find a picture of a Canadian flag and post a copy of it on every other Stalincock tower in sight. If you do this correctly you should see a Canadian flag roughly every 10 feet. Does your home now make you want to cry, to give up and retreat to bed and just never come out again? Welcome to Mondays in Canada. And Tuesdays. And the rest of the week too, for that matter. Remember the song Blue? This is Gray, and it’s your new favorite color besides red-and-white.
Did you check with the euthanasia folks? No dice, eh? The mood of Chopin’s Funeral March will be your life until you return to civilization. Look at the grumpy Polish guy in the video you started earlier. That will be you. That will be your life. Canada’s slow-death, the squeaking, torturous “death by a thousand cuts” awaits you. Your bitter tears are a mere drop in the bucket – they are not wanted and they will not be respected.
Ready, comrade Kharitovski? Your options for locations to receive your brutal punishment are:
Stereotypical inhabitants: Triad members, organic free-range urban kale farmers, Eastern English Canadian refugees
Issues (sample): Indian affairs; environmental degradation; extreme cost of living; hotspot for international money laundering; major income disparity; limited meaningful employment prospects
Stereotypical inhabitants: Rednecks, macho-construction dudes, hicks from out East, oilmen in cowboy hats, born-again Christians
Issues (sample): Indian affairs; incredible environmental devastation; ridiculously unstable provincial royalties income; loathsome business class; dangerous urban planning
Stereotypical inhabitants: Farmers, hicks, profiteers, people who think wearing a watermelon on your head is a good idea, literally nobody else
Issues (sample): Boredom; poverty; poor planning; limited prospects in non-extractive industries; broken infrastructure; rampant racism; painfully bad weather; insane devotion to the Canadian Football League; Saskatoon doesn’t even fucking recycle; violence
Stereotypical inhabitants: Indian gangs, suburban mini-van driving idiots, hicks, military
Issues (sample): Indian gangs; rampant poverty; limited prospects; collapsing infrastructure; boredom; bugs; violence; useless public transit; bumpkin-culture; rampant racism. Probably not worth salvaging.
Stereotypical inhabitants: desperate Indigenous, people too poor to bail out of failed one-industry towns, the shattered husks of the mentally and physically unwell, disgusting rich caker filth on fishing charters
Issues (sample): Non-existent public transit, grinding unemployment, lack of fresh food, poor medical facilities, people live in actual, literal fucking shacks, virtual economic shutdown in the winter. Northern Ontario is the part of the province that Toronto would really rather you just pretend wasn’t there.
Ontario – Blue-Collar Country:
Stereotypical inhabitants: unemployed college grads, unemployed factory laborers, drugged-up suburban high-schoolers, retirees living in squalor at St. God’s Waiting Room and Retirement Home
Issues (sample): Poor transit system; collapsing infrastructure; limited prospects; rising cost of living; population potentially hostile to non-white newcomers; police corruption; hidden poverty; bumpkin-culture leading to extreme cliquishness. You will be an outsider for decades in small-town Ontario.
Stereotypical inhabitants: English Canadian businessmen, overdressed women, suburb-dwellers trapped on highways, poor-ass students, rich immigrants who are just here to park their money, overworked young “up-and-comings”
Issues (sample): Insane cost of living; poor design of the areas outside downtown; severe income disparity; extreme boredom relative to its size; relatively uncultured; home to Canada’s useless business classes. You can’t afford to live here and if you can you can do better than Toronto.
Ontario – Ottawa:
Stereotypical inhabitants: banal bureaucrats, poor-ass students, irritating sychophants, homeless Inuit; miserable professional beta-male sellouts; grumpy, spiteful people who realized too late that their lives are meaningless
Issues (sample): rampant overpricing of goods and services; poorly-planned with little interest in improvement; bad and overpriced public transit; limited employment prospects; strong chance of ending up as “working poor”. Fuck this city with a rake made of dildoes.
C’est la belle province. A rare beacon of culture and joie de vivre. Probably the only Canadian population able to live in a manner conducive to humans rather than rodents. That said, Quebec is hardly without its problems.
Issues (sample): Indigenous relations are at rock-bottom, attached to and attacked by English Canada at every turn, occasionally governed by Liberals.
Stereotypical inhabitants: unemployed people, the elderly, bilingual hicks, Acadians
Issues (sample): unemployment; poor access to services; poor access to the rest of the country; the province is owned by the Irvings; monotone media culture; little economic improvement beyond extraction as per the Irving fiefdom
Stereotypical inhabitants: potatoes and their caretakers (who may actually be sentient potatoes themselves)
Issues (sample): no access to abortion providers; unemployment; seriously, you’re debating moving to P.E.I?
Stereotypical inhabitants: unemployed fisherman, members of the Canadian Navy, punks, people left behind by those who “went West” to find work
Issues (sample): violence; poverty; unemployment; limited prospects; poor transit; poor access to the rest of Canada; Halifax is uncultured and boring
Newfoundland and Labrador:
Stereotypical inhabitants: Newfies. That’s it
Issues (sample): unemployment; poor access to the rest of Canada; drug abuse; police corruption; uncautious oil extraction
Stereotypical inhabitants: Not you. Stay well the fuck away
Issues (sample): see everything listed above, then multiply infinitely. Seriously – it’s that bad. Basic foodstuffs cost hundreds of dollars. The bugs will eat you alive. And the land belongs to the Inuit anyways, meaning that moving there is akin to being a Canadian flagpole.
You picked your poison, eh?
Don’t forget that the things I write about are also there and most are generally applicable. Are you sure you want to do this? Unless you owe someone a shit-ton of money or something you’re better off in a place with a soul. Anyways, here are some general pointers for temporary Canadians:
– English Canadian government systems are unreliable, understaffed, and prone to failure. Do not rely on the Canadian or provincial governments to provide assistance unless not doing so would be a public relations disaster for the government.
– English Canadian artistic content laws (“Can-Con”) ensures that you will hear more Bryan Adams and Nickelback songs than human beings should experience. It also means that Canada is full of shitty versions of American reality television.
– English Canadians are cold, arrogant, cliquish, hypocritical, and banal. Do not expect to make lasting friends during your stay in Canada unless you guzzle the Kanada Kool-Aid so hard that it replaces the blood in your veins.
– You will not see most of the country. If you are out east going west is expensive and takes a long time. The same is true going the other way. Do not expect to see at least half of the country (not like it’s worth seeing anyways, but still). You also will not be able to enjoy “the great outdoors” unless you drive a car.
– The telecom oligarchs in Canada will shaft you with mobile phone use. Expect insane charges and be ready to call RoBellUs (they’re all the same) to contest seemingly random charges to your phone bill. The same is true for Internet and other telecom systems.
– Canadian cities are cripplingly, ass-wrinklingly boring. Do not expect art galleries or cultural events to be well-attended (or even extant) in Canada. Ottawa’s “downtown” is a good place to film a zombie movie on a Saturday morning.
– Do not come for the food. English Canada is one of the world’s greatest underperformers in terms of turning amazing produce into shit food. Outside of a couple of major hubs (and even there get ready to be royally gouged), the food scene rarely gets beyond microwaving crap. Also be prepared to shell out a fortune for shit food.
– Be very careful when purchasing “Indigenous” goods; be sure to inspect the product you want to buy before doing so, lest you end up supporting white people using Indigenous cultural icons to make themselves wealthy. Don’t support caker businesses engaging in this wretched practice.
– Expect rampant public and private drunkenness. If you don’t like dodging puke and dealing with screaming chimps do not attend a major sporting event in this country. This is especially true of the NHL.
Testaments to Canada’s crappiness:
First is Martin, a poor soul from Albion who made the unfortunate mistake of moving to this bog. He writes:
“As a Brit who departed his native English shores for a vast, desolate land that is either boiling to death or buried in snow at subarctic temperatures, I am horrified at the low standards, expectations and CHOSEN living conditions that the locals cherish and take great pride in. Sure there is some beautiful countryside here spoiler only by the building of slum-equivalent cities manufactured out of cardboard and sold for exorbitant amounts of failing Canadian dollars to morons that will not let the redneck pioneering spirit of half-arsed efforts die to enable them to move on (or attempt to at least) to an enriched life.
When I first heard the Canadian anthem (at a hockey game where the spectators spent more time aimless wondering around, meeting up with friends and going back and forth to the umpteen different fast food chains selling meals unfit for human consumption and beer that was flat….than paying attention to what the kids were doing on the ice) yes the anthem….. I laughed uncontrollably! What a load of tosh! I don’t think the American accent helped but for over a year I was convinced that the lyrics were “we stand on God for thee”. I think it works better than the real lyrics though as the attitude seems to be I don’t give a f@@@, as long as I can rip up the countryside in my truck, bike, skidoo and shoot sh1t for no reason.”
Thank you, Martin. Thank you and Godspeed on your retreat from this hellish podunk wasteland.