#188 – Anne of Grim Gables

I haven’t beaten up yet on Canada’s tiniest and most useless province – Prince Edward Island. How bad is it? Well, it sucked harder at providing a solid quality-of-life than two of the three territories in 2012. Given how unthinkably fucked the North is, this does not bode well for PEI. Coincidentally, people are leaving the island in droves, citing reasons like the place being boring, cultureless, and filled with noxious dudebros. One in six children on PEI live in poverty and the issue hasn’t received attention in at least 25 years. An island that seriously brands itself on its potato crop has a 25% incidence of childhood food insecurity. How do you fuck up this badly and how can anyone fix this mess?

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(s) The world’s largest egg-beater probably won’t help.

Prince Edward Island, like British Columbia only joined Confederation because of debt. This is rather funny considering that Charlottetown is hailed as the “Cradle of Confederation”. Revisionism starts as soon as the island is forced into the Canadian fold. Never mind that Canada took on the island’s debt or that Prince Edward Island was also seriously considering joining the United States. Better not think about the fact that 20% of Canada’s provinces effectively joined the union out of debt bondage, because that isn’t shucks-golly approved! That the Canada connection is a central part of Prince Edward Island’s self-branding is a fascinating display of caker doublethink and revisionism in action. It’s almost impressive how quickly and ably Canadians erase their pasts.

When all the Anne of Green Gables crap is scraped off of the place PEI reveals itself to be rather less wistful and rather more unhealthful. Here’s a letter to the editor decrying the obscene difficulty associated with finding a doctor on the island. Prince Edward Island is dealing with both a crippling shortage of nurses and a debilitating lack of doctors. Six year ago there were problems associated with getting prescriptions filled, too. And just like in the North doctors and frontline care are being ground to dust without adequate support. Speaking of not having any support, Prince Edward Island has a critical lack of foster parents. Wonder if that has anything to do with PEI’s longstanding policy of not having abortions on the island, a policy which only ended this year?

Anyways, PEI is also full of hicks and idiots. And food prices have gone up nearly 40% in eight years, which doesn’t exactly scream successful policy-making. It also doesn’t seem like planning is a priority for the island, seeing as how they couldn’t be bothered to keep their provincial legislative building structurally sound. Who knew that a Maritime island gets rained on or that buildings require protection ftom rain? Similar planning acumen can be seen in PEI’s lobster fishery, which apparently is benefitting from climate change and high prices only to suffer a bad season because of weather. It’s almost like mindless extraction isn’t the way to prosperity. Not like Canada will figure that out this century.

Like most provinces in Canada Prince Edward Island is dependent on seasonal production, tourism from people who don’t know any better, and extractive industry. Shitty frozen French fries and potato chips were made on the island, though the McCains (another loathsome Canadian family that will definitely get its time in court here on Shit about Canada) have closed their fry-making slop-shop up. The other operator in the frozen food business, the one that’s still around, is called Cavendish Farms and is owned by – wait for it! – the Irvings! Yes, nothing says Canada quite like caker business. Amazing how caker business always seems to turn up in regions that have no hope of attracting anything less parasitic.

And there it is. Prince Edward Island is dangerously unprepared, reliant on unpredictable industries headed by cakers with a proven track record of being shitwands, doesn’t plan properly, and uses an edited version of itself to sell Canadians on a trip to the middle of nowhere. Its social indicators are poor, its people are fleeing in droves to the rest of Canada, and Canadians are busy not giving a shit about tiny, tiny PEI.

I think the islanders would have been better off with the Yankees. Just saying.

 

 

 

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