#171 – Broadband Blues

Cakers have shit Internet. One of the few things approved for bitching at in Canada are cable, telephone, and Internet service providers in this country. That said few Canadians go further into the problem, where profound disorganization and confusion marry claims and promises of a Fourth Industrial Revolution powered apparently on Care Bear Stares and Feels because fuck if Canada has any sort of coherent broadband strategy or ambition to do better. Pravda’s sadsack attempts to tell Canada that they get what they pay for from shitty oligarchs belies the fact that Canada has fallen from second-best at connectivity in 2002 (behind, of course, South Korea) to its current position, described unironically by Canadian media as “third world access”, hanging out in the bottom third of countries as regards overall speed and in the top 5 when it comes to prices.

What’s in play here is some pretty standard caker business practices. Caker companies like Bell have whinged over and over that they just can’t afford to not gouge customers; their attempt at Canada-baiting when the threat of competition was raised was so bad that even cakers saw through their bullshit. Not even the threat of AmeriKKKa makes Canadians any happier to be under the digital thumb of a collective pile of assholes who basically wanted to kill off the then-new notion of streaming television by way of usage-based billing. When Canada’s telcos were called out for being shitlamps they went and cried foul about how studies of their inferior service are mean and the data was wrong you guys we’re great. So great that even the ultra-nationalist caker population which generally has no issue with oligarchy hates your guts. Obviously with providers like these  #RealChange and his plans for a digital kum-bah-yah Canada are destined for greatness!

When you take the country and break it down into regions broadband connectivity and speed becomes even more obviously broken. Certain areas of the country have tolerable (not even good – tolerable) Internet connection speeds. The Canadian government’s standard of 5mbp up/1mbp down is ridiculously slow considering that the Europeans are calling for 30mbp access by 2020. But even that listless goal is not likely to happen in much of Canada. British Columbia has speeds lower than those found in Iraq, and it’s not even the worst. Even the best-off Canadian provinces don’t meet European standards:

(s) In textbook caker fashion Yukon’s Northwestel responded by crying foul

The pitiful speed of Canada’s Internet access is made even worse by the insane prices that Canadians pay for their subpar “service”. Caker businesses Rogers, Bell, and Telus now blame the low dollar for rising costs despite this being a long-standing problem that was present during the days when the Canadian dollar was at par. Canadians spend nearly 3% of their yearly income on Internet that in many cases can’t even get up to the speeds exhibited in such e-heavy states as Mongolia and Kazakhstan. I cited those two specifically because those two are both sparse as fuck, which is a common apologism for caker-net.

The implications of shitty Internet are clear. How on Earth can Canada claim to have advanced infrastructure when we have numbers like these? And what about rural Canada, which is notoriously slow even by our weak standards? Enjoy your Netflix and waiting, Cochrane! E-mail? Nah, that’s not going to matter. And forget only having access to reasonably-priced Internet in the form of last century’s dial-up connections; nearly 1 million Canadians aren’t even hooked up to the Internet. It’s a bit tough to build the e-conomy of #RealChange’s dreams when we haven’t even gotten to the e-part yet. Of course the Indigenous are particularly slammed by the suck-hammer with 37% of remote communities being told to fuck off and forget about being able to participate in the modern world. Dial-up doesn’t cut it for conducting business, but 15% of Canada’s rural communities aren’t able to ride the e-wave. How inclusive of #RealChange and his economic policies!

But with whinging oligarchs and sadsack, piecemeal planning Canada continues to backslide. A digital divide looms over the country whereby what has been presented as a basic human right is de facto denied because Canada can’t be assed to bring the pain to its garbage ISPs or to plan in such a way that a coherent broadband strategy is even possible. Piss-weak lobbying laws in general reflect on the regulatory body overseeing this clusterfuck and contribute to the flaccid response of the Canadian government to inferior Internet access.

When you’re getting outstripped by Honduras and Rwanda it’s probably time to take a step back and think. Or you could be Canada and LOL WHEEE your way to the future on feels and #RealChange selling an impossible economic prescription.



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