#136 – Channel Surfing, Special Edition: Rex Murphy is Pathetic

Rex Murphy sucked oil cock in what is perhaps the most embarrassing collection of throat-noises ever recorded. Are you ready?

Did you catch the beginning where he says that he’s not used to being in rooms full of competant people? This tells you two things off the bat:

1) Murphy doesn’t mind shitting in the trough he feeds from; and
2) Murphy is too senile to correctly distinguish between achievement and Canada’s business class

This keeps going in glowing terms, with Murphy’s ventriloquist-dummy face flapping up and down practically salivating over the prospect of licking these people’s shoes. You are heroes, Canadian oilmen! Heroes! Guardians of a new age! Your styles are impeccable, your footfalls leave gold in the trodden earth, when you go to Tim Horton’s all the donuts are there – you are heroes! And Neil Young is coming to destroy everything! Damn you, David Suzuki (who is a ponce, albeit a dishonest nu-left ponce as opposed to a dishonest, senile ponce a la Murphy) and your pesky environmentalists! Damn you!!

I don’t mind if you gave up on that speech there. I just watched 18 minutes of old-man fellatio and I will never get that time back. Think about what I do for you, readers. And really, if the guy did something other than awkwardly shove Canadiana into his tongue-thrusts he wouldn’t be a half-bad ranter. Certainly better than the cringe-worthy performances of people like Rick Mercer. But that’s not why we’re here. Sucking oil-peen is pretty old hat, really. And given Slippery Pete’s position I don’t expect anything resembling genuine broadcasting coming from the CBC. No – what I do have a problem with, and why I think Murphy is a pathetic joke, comes from his wasting of Cross Country Checkup.

Cross Country Checkup’s name is a pun – the goal of the broadcast initially was to explain public healthcare to Canadians as it was being implemented and later evolved into a call-in show that nobody could think of a better name for. It’s a show that requires quick thinking, an energetic voice, and the ability to run and think critically. Murphy has none of these. His primary technique for dealing with opinions he doesn’t like is to hang up on the person talking while mumbling. His voice sounds like what I imagine Ben Stein’s would after the latter attempted to rinse his mouth with lye. He writes abominable introductions like this. His idea of critical thought, as that piece points to (I listened to this fuck for 20 minutes – I’m not doing any more), is to simply repeat broad-stroke, unanswerable rhetorical questions with a different intonation and then have his three “experts” provide talking points while Canadians call in and repeat those talking points.

This is what passes for “sophisticated” commentary in Canada. Never mind that Rex Murphy is as into the muck as the dreaded AmeriKKKan journalists – he can pretend not to be and his apparent bouts of senility can be disguised as thoughtfulness, so let’s do that! And you know what’s really sad? This is one of the only channels in Canada through which Canadian fuck-ups are discussed. AmeriKKKa has tons of talk radio – most of it is hot garbage, but they all rail against reasons why the US is terrible and horrid and reasons why they have to improve and get better and somewhere in that crap-pile is a good idea. In Canada, our “hot conversations” are the tepid conjunction of a corrupt contractor, whatever three people he could pull together this week, and the occasional worthy caller who can then wrap their lips around Canada’s greatness.

So Murphy did unto the oil industry, so his callers must do unto Canada. Open wide!

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