#135 – Channel Surfing, Special Edition: Kevin O’Leary is a Bad Person

I struggle to call Kevin O’Leary and his buddy Rex Murphy journalists. This is difficult because they’re both contractors to the CBC and thus can say anything without it being “the CBC” saying the thing. O’Leary is a special brand though, because he’s the guy behind what has been unironically referred to as the worst business deal in modern history – basically scamming Mattel into buying his overvalued scam of a company. His time at the helm of said company saw the place burn through a billion dollars in three years; his time at Mattel saw the only increase in money going to – you guessed it – Kevin O’Leary.

O’Leary acts like every caker MBA wants to – swaggering tough-guys who totally understand the whole thing and you’re just an idiot you guys. And he runs a reality television show called Dragon’s Den where he and four other caker businessfolk demonstrate their stupidity by refusing to buy anything that isn’t already making money, a practice you may recognize as pathetic. The thing is, Gordon Ramsay or Simon Cowell’s “be-a-meanie-on-TV-and-shit-on-people-for-views” is buttressed by skill. Ramsay is a God-mode chef with the restaurants to prove it; Cowell actually has a number of successful programs on the air and has found talent on stage. O’Leary’s claim to business savvy is being the guy with the croupier stick in one of the worst company buy-outs in history.

And that’s fucking dangerous. I mean, Gordon Ramsay’s textbook “rotten-meat-in-the-fridge” routine at least has a point – you can’t serve bum food. Likewise, Cowell bursts overinflated egos and bubbles that need to be bursted. O’Leary…just says the most absurd, meaningless, controversial shit alongside corrupt slimecunt Amanada Lang, who ripostes by pointing out, once again, that O’Leary is talking out of his ass. He offers bad advice (like “poor people should be poor because then they’ll be inspired to be richer”, a line you might misremember from a Pixar villain’s speech but which in fact comes from the Mouth of the Ape himself) while himself achieving little more than the near-bankruptcy of Barbie, tanking his self-named mortgage company in 2014, and the awesome feat of coming out of Celebrity Jeopardy with negative money. Yes – the plot to the SNL sketch about Celebrity Jeopardy almost happened. O’Leary was given $1,000 so at least he didn’t have to rob the Humane Society or whatever (something I suspect his gelatinous tendrils would have no problem doing). Clearly, this man is inept, incompetant, and boorish – using him for a show where people can get bad ideas and lose a lot of money really fast is clearly the best option! Fuck learning to cook from Gordon Ramsay – I want to learn the culinary arts from his admin assistant.

For its part, the CBC has covered its ass by leaving its ass hanging out of its trousers

Strictly speaking there is no violation of policy because Mr. O’Leary is a commentator. Freelance or not, anyone engaged by CBC and appearing on its programs must abide by the basic values of CBC’s Journalistic Standards and Practices. Once again, there is a potential confusion of roles. He is a commentator, and a freelancer, but he functions as a co-host on an information program  (source; emphasis mine)
How the fuck does “no violation of policy” and “confusion” fit together? Why do you have a ‘commentator and a freelancer’ co-hosting an information program when the guy’s resume suggests that he’s shit at business and his arrogance assures that he’ll be bad at newscasting? Again – you’ve given a quack a stage, you numbskulls. “Information” is supposed to mean “good information” – I trust O’Leary’s data as far as I can toss his corpulent ass underwater.
Now he works for Bell’s television company, which is a match made in heaven, really. Fuck Kevin O’Leary with a wrench made of bees.

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