#130 – Channel Surfing, Special Edition: the Seething Ball of Cack

What’s this? Another special series? Welcome to Seething Ball of Cack!

This time, because I don’t feel like reading more into Louis St. Laurent (fuck you, I’m getting to him), let’s grab our shotguns and head on out to the live-well barrel that is the CBC. This is too easy – Canada’s newscasters fail at providing full disclosure and management makes totally inappropriate choices for a national broadcaster. The lot of limpdick syncophants and the worthless bureaucrats that support them are a stain on a national broadcaster whose legendary ability to waste talent, time, and funds is already breathtaking to behold. From its heady days in the 1980s kicking ass at the Constitutional Conventions, the CBC has rusted into feel-good Candiana, mindless “reporting”, and worthless daytime drama. The collapse of the CBC has its roots in upper management and its news anchors and we’re going to go through them.

Before we begin, I want to say a few things so that knuckle-dragging Libertarian-types don’t misread me. First off, I have no problem with the concept of a publically-funded national broadcasting service. A national broadcaster has tremendous potential for good. I’ve sung the praises of Australia’s the Checkout before and here I’m going to do it again – spreading information about consumer law and other useful information from a source that isn’t total cack is a good thing. You remove a lot of confusion when you use a public broadcaster’s legitimacy to broadcast publically-relevant information; stuff like consumer law, or the state of a government program or department, or even information like how to do taxes (which, courtesy of Steve and his boutique tax cuts is a Kafkesque nightmare) are all good things that I have no problem seeing tax money flow towards.

I also don’t mind provocative films – documentaries that expose nasty problems (like, in fairness, those that the National Film Board puts out), pieces suggesting ideas through artistry, and breakout chances for newly-found talent. I’m okay with the way the French do their CBC because it is a combination of useful information, meaningful debates, and heartfelt performances. There’s a reason English CBC is trying to make a derivative of a Quebecois show and not the other way around. What I do have a problem with, however, are people like Vice-President and Director of English Services Heather Conway, whose list of shows for fall of 2015 includes shit like this:

Murdoch Mysteries,Coronation Street, This Life, Heartland, X Company, Rick Mercer Report, 22 Minutes, Dragons’ Den, Mr. D, Schitt’s Creek, Canada’s Smartest Person…Crash Gallery,  (source)

Good job, Conway – I don’t know what a third of those are and I think the average age group for the five-decade old Coronation Street is 120+. Also included are two incredibly washed-out programs (Rick Mucker and 22 Minutes of Agony) which should have had their cables pulled sometime after Terry Shiavo’s were. Heartland, X Company, and Mr. D sound like the title of a Tea Party blog, a shitty video game, and a pornstar respectively. Canada’s Smartest Person and Dragon’s Den are the same hurr-durr-look-at-the-stupid-people dressed up in some bush-league successes that the dreaded AMERIKKKA loves so much.

None of these are even remotely intriguing. Low-brow, pre-packaged, mushy, derivative, or just a straight-up crap shoot, the CBC’s English-language offerings are a comedic display of Sempai-notice-me. And behind them all, the one approving them is Heather Conway. And what experience does she bring? Outside of an art gallery, which is like television but the pictures don’t move,

Ms. Conway spent six years as Executive Vice-President at Alliance Atlantis Communications. There, she oversaw strategic marketing, publicity and on-air creative for 13 Canadian cable specialty channels, transformed the business model for channel distribution and increased subscription revenue. She later became Chief Executive Officer of Edelman Public Relations Canada. Earlier in her career, Ms. Conway held other senior management and consulting positions with TD Bank Financial Group, Hill & Knowlton and The Neville Group (source)

Oh, good. English Canadian media company, dynastic PR firm, shitty Canadian bank, another PR firm, and a temp agency. Because who needs any sort of critical thinking skills in the CBC’s upper management, right?

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