#126 – What in the Fuck is Wrong With: Canadian Tourists?

I’m back, Caker-haters! And boy, do we have a topic for you.

English Canadians don’t know how to tourist. They expect the rest of the world to believe in the make-believe shield of Do No Wrong that English Canadians assume exists and proceed to make utter asses of themselves. Drunkeness is a real problem and Canadians are regarded as boorish and idiotic when going abroad. Here’s a report of a Canadian outright killing an old lady, because nothing reflects more highly on a population than throwing 73-year old women to the ground on a flight of stairs. Don’t worry – that person wasn’t charged.

See, cakers are lumped with the Worst Tourists of Ever – AMERIKKKA – in the eyes of the world. But that obviously would destroy the English Canadian ego so they cannot possibly see any similiarities between themselves. So, even though the rest of the world rightly collapses English Canadians into the American fold Canadians assume that they are somehow better than American tourists. You know that you’re with a group of special snowflakes when you see Canadian flags on every square inch of the traveling caker. Seriously – English Canadians are the only people I have ever seen who feel the need to inform everyone of where they’re from. They honestly expect to be treated better because they stopped at the dollar store to put a maple leaf on something. This is as stupid as a lucky rabbit’s foot but it’s Canadian so it must be okay!

Meanwhile, Canadians are taking naked pictures at ancient sites, Heiling the Reichstag, sexing up little boys, stealing from priceless cultural artifacts, and generally being cockburglers of the highest calibre. And remember, it doesn’t matter that Canadian tourists are drunks, idiots, and expect their feet to be kissed the minute any local discovers that they’ve got the Iron-On Canadian Flag of + 10 obliviousness – AMERIKKKA is worse, you guys! It’s in the stereotype! Never mind that Piet Mondrian’s Composition with Red and Blue in New York got puked on by a Canadian “performance artist” or that sidewalks the world over get a splattering of maple-hurl because Canadians are also a profoundly drunk people – AMERIKKKA is worse, so Canada is amazing at touristing!

Of course, English Canadians are on the whole deeply insensitive and boorish – remember when I shared that piece speaking to how genocide isn’t that bad because reasons? They don’t understand iconic buildings and ancient culture because they have neither and so the most logical thing for the English-Canadian ego to do is to get wasted. Is there small wonder that Cuban and Mexican resorts are so full of booze and so popular with cakers?

I have a theory that the Cuban and Mexican people know how idiotic Canadians and others who come to their home are and so contain the idiocy within resorts. They know that Canadians have no interest in local food or indeed in anything to do with the locale unless it involves fellating Canada or being a douchey tourist, so they contain the stupid in forsaken resorts and try to get on their lives on the other side of the resort’s walls. They aren’t protecting Canadians – they’re keeping the fucks contained so they don’t destroy everything.

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