#119 – Sports and Weather, Part Seven: How Safe it is In Canada!

English Canada is so safe and boring that criminals control major elements of the Canadian supply chain!

Poor Vancouver – bought and sold like a $2 whore by Chinese criminals and now its longshoremen are Hell’s Angels too? I swear that I don’t mean to shit on Vancouver specifically, but it just so happens that Canada’s rot is nice and visible out West. It is everywhere, but Vancouver is just easy to poke. It’s like a scab, really. At any rate, Canadians are blissfully unaware of these sorts of things when they declare Canada to be ‘safe’, which is a frequent staple of any sort of conversation about Canada. Are you struggling here? Well, at least you’re safe!

Except when, you know, you have self-perpetuating criminal elements in your shipping industry. Or in and among your prison guards. And you can’t forget about Winnipeg’s collection of lovable violent Indian gangs! Even the national capital is getting in on the fun, even though it is (as usual) a sideshow to the real deal in Montreal. Nothing says safety like organized crime infiltrating critical systems! But Canada is safe, you see, because our gangs are just so friendly and shucks-golly that they do no harm. That’s totally not a sign that something’s going wrong! Canada has a long history of gang warfare, but a low murder rate. That means that crime isn’t a big deal here!

I have another theory – one which loops together the RCMP that can’t be assed to do its fucking job, the general ignorance about gangs and criminality in Canada, and the quietness of the gangs in question. That theory is that these gangs simply operate largely in peace. They’ve been a staple of Canadian life for decades; if you’re a Canadian student and you’ve smoked weed whose original plant you haven’t seen with your own eyes (yes, you can be honest about it), that weed is very likely coming from the Hell’s Angels. Like the Indian bodies washing up on Manitoba’s shores, we simply allow the bulk of the gang structure to exist in exchange for it leaving us alone. Ignoring problems means that they go away, you guys!

Except that it doesn’t. Remember way back when I mentioned how important information is for governing? How much information can you get out of a biker gang about, say, the volume of product they’re moving? Or how many kids and helpless women they’ve sold into sexual slavery?  You need data in order to do things, and without actually being clear about the state of organized crime in Canada and planning to deal with it in a way that isn’t tough-guy act followed by looking away for a while and hoping that gangs don’t notice Canada taking the muscle-suit off. What’s more important than this for a anti-crime organization to be doing? Besides actually following up on murder cases, but that’s beside the point – what’s more important than a real, pressing, pan-Canadian crisis?

Oh yeah. Terrorism. Isn’t Canada just so safe and boring? Tee-hee, I’m sure glad I live in such a wonderful country!

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