#111 – The Cult(ure) of Hockey, Special Edition: The Molson Family

And now we reach the last and least of Canada’s hockeyman franchise-owners – the purveyors of all-Canadian piss-water themselves, the god-damn, motherfucking, hop-savaging bastards: ladies and gentlemen, presenting the Molson family!

What a load of jizzum these failures are. They certainly don’t talk much – finding information on these bastards is tough, other than their education records (abroad, because Canadians don’t respect their own degrees) and their donations to Canadian schools (which still suck and which are still not respected by Canadians). Besides giving Canada its worst beer and patenting beer-making techniques such that other, superior brewers couldn’t use them, the Molson family has been highly involved in the successful merging of their company with the American Coors. I am Canadian, indeed.

The Molsons are insufferable and their product is the only Canadian gastronomical experience that I would rate below taking a swig of Tim Hortons Brown Sludge Water™ (which is itself below just going without). Bear in mind that seal heart is a regular consumable in the North – I’d take that long, long, long before a proffered bottle of Molson’s Finest. The company and its piss-swill benefit from archaic laws and absurd pricing schemes incumbent to Canada. For a group of people who pride themselves on their beer, Canadians and their government will apparently drink swill that costs more than Malta’s native brew, Cisk. Unlike Cisk (pronounced “Chisk”), however, the Molson brew comes with needless nationalism and sucks harder than a hooker trying to pull a golf ball through a garden hose. It’s almost like the Maltese were interested in producing a solid brew, where the Molsons were interested in producing a solid tumor of Pavlovian Canadiana in the English-Canadian zeitgeist.

So – Canada’s business family produces a weaker beer with one-hundred times the population to learn from. What else is new, honestly. They advertise their shitty pissbier by linking it to Canadiana – hence, the whole “I am Canadian” thing. These are the worst of the worst in terms of ads, and I’ll almost certainly come back to slam them when I feel like putting myself through the mental bruising that is looking at Molson ads. Canadiana is, of course, linked to hockey. And just like that, a Canadian family provides the weak, shitty glue between two weak, shitty parts of a weak, shitty construct called Canadiana.

Could it be that the Molsons know this incredible secret and rely on it to sell their pissbier? They happen to have scored the right to sell their shitty product at a majority of Canadian major-league hockey arenas, including the turbo-rich Maple Leafs. Surely there’s no cynical exploitation of company-made cardboard-nationalism for the sake of profits, is there? Hockey is so pure and amazing that there’s no way anyone could be using the sport as a springboard to dump their product into the lunk-headed mixture of revisionism and make-believe that is Canada’s hockey zeitgeist! Especially not – gasp – a company stapled to an AMERIKKKAN one!

One thought on “#111 – The Cult(ure) of Hockey, Special Edition: The Molson Family”

  1. Indeed, little is known about these cryptic bastards, even here, but we know with full certainty that John Molson personally paid to send Orangemen militias to rape and pillage during the Patriot war.

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