#110: The Cult(ure) of Hockey, Special Edition: Eugene Melnyk

Eugene moved to Barbados in 1991. This makes him by default more intelligent than anyone else on this list by virtue of the fact that the guy was smart enough to flee this shit-kakke sundae. His companies include a husk sold to Thomson-Reuters (remember them from the Winnipeg Jets?), a pharmaceutical company that specialized in finding expired patents and recreating drugs at inflated costs, and a collection of derpery that scored his ass a pulse-pounding visit from the Securities and Exchange Commission in the United States. His beloved Senators post next to no profit, and the tickets are dirt-cheap, relatively speaking. The only problem, of course, is that you have to get to the suburban shitstain of an arena first, which is tough without a car and probably harder with one. He also preferred Canadian Tire over Scotiabank as the name of said stadium.

Honestly, being associated with Canadian Tire is usually a bad thing, but there we are. After making a living creating companies and flipping them like he lives on the set of a reality television show, Melnyk presumably is living the life in the Caribbean. He took some time out for important charity, like celebrity jet-wheeling to Kandahar to give Canadian and American troops in Afghanistan hockey equipment. No way hosting a billionaire and dealing with the useless shit he left behind (attention, Canadians: Afghanistan is in a desert. Deserts do not hockey well. See also: Arizona) that caused any operational difficulties, no sir.

It sort of seems to me that this guy is just an impossibly-rich dude with no idea as to what to do with his money. Playing out his hobbies on a grand scale and getting rewards for it seems like an okay way to spend your time, so long as you actually provide something to your home base. Interestingly enough, Melnyk’s charities don’t seem to extend to Barbados. Is it because Barbados can’t hockey either and without hockey or Ukrainian churches to fund the guy can’t figure out how to provide charity? Who knows, really. Of all of the people here, Eugene is the only one that seems to own a team because he wants to rather than because it makes him a lot of money.

Of course, he also got that way with pharmaceuticals – we’ve covered how badly Canada does those – so the money he has may have come from Canada’s inability to provide drugs at reasonable costs like literally any other country with a public healthcare system on earth rather than actually providing anything to the world. Except hockey equipment – he hands that shit out like candy.

Hope it isn’t that CCM shit, lest it collapse and cause injuries. If Eugene is in painkillers the guy’s got a solidly evil racket going!

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