English Canada’s youngest hockeymans contractor team is the Winnipeg Jets. You know that we’re going to have fun with this because it’s owned by something called True North Sports & Entertainment, which is in turn owned by two holding companies. But these guys are special because one of the holding companies is owned by a Baron from the Thomson family. Of course, the Jets’ owners are as useless as the city the team hails from. But that’s besides the point, really – we’re here to talk about the owners, not the city.
So, True North Gag Reflex Activated is owned by the Third Baron of Whogivesafuck and a used car magnate’s son. The company owns nothing else, at least, so when the two holding companies cack up due to uselessness at least the Jets are the only thing to get hurt. The Jets have almost doubled in value since returning to Canada from Atlanta, a storied city whose humidity, heat, and lack of winters are all obviously good indicators that the place is perfect for hockey. Considering how poor the city is and the massive systemic problems of the city, the obvious next step is sports! Transit, dealing with endemic racism, mismanagement and homelessness are the faults of the poor and disadvantaged and are in no way the responsibility of people with means. Making a city better is not nearly as important as making a city more Hockey.
Which is what I find so incredible about the Jets. Manitoba’s economy is largely agricultural, with poverty and gang violence being endemic to the city of Winnipeg itself. Clearly what the city needs to deal with this problem is a luxury good buttressed on the wealth of Canadian families and holding companies! The studio itself is named for Manitoba’s largest telecom company, an abomination called MTS whose legendary disorganization and gouging started right after it was privitized. What a shock – a Canadian company acting like a lamprey after being set loose to Canadian businessowners? How can this be?
Meanwhile, useless Canadiana ensures that Canada thinks the Jets are a positive for their failing province. Forget Manitoba’s real, pressing problems. Who needs to worry about those at a national level when the contract hockeymans are there and the holding companies behind the holding company in alliance with the useless telecom company are getting rich off of meaningless Canadiana? Gangs? Just add hockey? Poverty? A couple of unproductive corporate warts oughtta fix that, right? English Canada’s faith in its useless barons and oligarchs is frankly cringeworthy, and no example of this is more perfect than the Winnipeg Jets. Profiting nobody but Canada’s oligarchs and predicated on nothing but nostalgia and prior bad business decisions (i.e.: moving a fucking hockey team to fucking Atlanta), the Winnipeg Jets are an example of how strange Canada’s definition of a “successful enterprise” really is. Social good? Fuck that! The Barons need money!