#88 – Crime Ministers, Part Five: Happy Charles Tupper Day!

Today is the 119th anniversary of the beginning of the shortest tenure in a Prime Minister’s career. Like the flaccid cock-badgers before him (save for Mackenzie, who must be remembered for his solid tenure at the helm), Tupper was a Macdonald patron, but Tupper was special because he lost favor with Johnny Mac and requested to be sent away to England as a diplomat. Of course – the guy who wants to flee the country is a genius choice to have as PM. Tupper lasted 68 days in the PM’s seat before resigning.

It’s important to note that Tupper was a doctor and also the first president of the Canadian Medical Association. I’m pretty cool with doctors because I like not-dying as much as the next guy, and Tupper was by what few accounts I could find on the matter good at that. He was also a Bible scholar, which I suppose is also cool. Maybe Tupper wasn’t a useless sack of sentient lard-flesh, but his try at the Prime Ministerial bat was a solid strikeout.

First off, he went to the polls almost immediately. His absolute loyalty to British imperialism in a context where Britain just basically Death-Starred the French language in Manitoba made it tough for Tupper to score in Quebec. He believed that Manitoba was a distraction against the real enemies of his time – farmers and laborers. Yeah, those evil farmers and laborers with their common grievances against big business are the real reason Canada isn’t working. So we see from the near-beginning Canada’s fear of questioning her industrial barons. Tupper was doomed to be additionally useless by not even being able to get the Party to rally around his “fuck the farmers” crusade.

So, naturally, Tupper got his ass handed to him. But, in a final move of cockery, he refused to admit to the results and started appointing his own people for Cabinet posts anyways. The Governor-General disagreed with Tupper’s amazing argument that 55% of the seats of the House of Commons weren’t enough to guarantee a government (which, if nothing else, ensures that they would simply to spite you). Tragically, Lord Aberdeen handed the election to the winner and ended the magical reign of Charles “Tupz-dizzle” Tupper.

The person Lord Aberdeen handed off to? Wilfred Laurier. Given Canada’s penchant so far with putting turds or foreigners on its money, Laurier is bound to be a saint. Right? Right?

Also, that string of shit at the beginning – do you think that there’s perhaps any reason to be a tad worried about what happens after 20 years of rudderless, reluctant, unsuitable jackweenies (and Alexander Mackenzie, who was pretty solid) wearing the special Prime Minister beanie? Golly, I wonder…

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