#87 – Vancouver Vice

English Canada is home to 26 of China’s 100 most wanted on charges of graft. English Canada has historically treated poor Chinese migrants like shit but seems to have no problem resettling wealthy Chinese criminals.

For the unaware, graft is not exactly the sort of crime that a powerless peasant commits. In fact, China is very much interested in “Canadian” Michael Ching Mo Yeung, who happens to stand accused of making off with tens of millions in Chinese government assets, changing his name from Cheng Muyang, and moving to Canada. China suspects that a “large number” of people are making off with Chinese wealth illegally, then opening up bank accounts in Canada.

But wait! Despite being English Canadian and therefore immune to wrongdoing, Canadian banks must follow the law, including the one that says that they have to actually check and see that funds are legal before putting them into the TD ceramic piggy. See, making money from the proceeds of crime and then using legal means to hide it is a nasty crime called money laundering, which is generally frowned upon. Shockingly, the Chinese are also fairly adamant (apparently without irony too) about Canada actually following the law it so sanctimoniously tries to proclaim that it does, which falls on banks. Surely Canada’s Made of Canada all-Canadian banking system that is totally amazing and flawless and didn’t buy a shit-ton of toxic American assets after the recession hit wouldn’t be implicated in that!

And of course they aren’t. See, Canada’s banks tend to outsource their vetting processes to a side-firm because actually looking at the money that you’re going to be vouching for yourself is hard you guys. These incredible companies have done so well that they failed to catch the mayor’s girlfriend’s mother, who was arrested in China after defrauding the city of Harbin and fleeing to Canada. Vancouver is on the US Department of State’s map as a red-hot centre for international money laundering based in no small part on the readiness of banks to put money wherever and the overblown real-estate market.

But that’s okay! Vancouver’s housing isn’t a problem! Why would Canada have any interest in having some sort of housing plan to potentially avoid having its third-largest city turning into a Chinese Tortuga buttressed on bad banking and worse ethics? Regardless of the fact that whole malls in Vancouver are mysteriously open for business despite years of low sales, the houses that get flipped every eight months almost as if on schedule by a stream of mysterious Chinese laborers who always get paid in cash, the strange cases of nonprofitable storefronts staying open for years – that’s all good! And if you don’t like it you’re a racist meanie poopiehead who hates Canada.

There’s no way that these people have no interest in actually improving upon Canada and are just here ruining Canada’s third-largest city because it’s convenient, is there? That would be very Canadian.

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