English Canada’s weird relationship with hockey is emblazoned on advertisements for hockey gear.
CCM, owned by Reebok but nevertheless supplying Canada’s demand for hockey equipment and recalls for hockey equipment with aplomb, has this to say on its homepage:
Hockey is so much more than just a game; it is passion, pride and quite simply, a way of life.
Too bad for CCM that it is also unable to use words properly. Hockey is expressly just a game – that’s what it’s defined as. It would be like if I told you that putting pants on is more than clothing yourself, or that having a snack is more than eating. By definition, you’ve failed out of the gate. But don’t worry – hockey is passion, pride, and a way of life. Never mind that these conditions can apply to anything – after all, I’m passionate about shitting on Canada, I’m proud of myself for being able to bring these problems to the fore, and that I lead my life hyper-critically. Why aren’t I “made of blogging”?
Not one scroll down, CCM contradicts itself by referring to hockey as “the greatest game in the world”. They even have a cute hashtag campaign, #MadeofHockey, so that you can be identified as an idiot from the get-go. People aren’t made of hockey, you tools. They also aren’t made of “shutting the door”, whatever that was supposed to mean. Are you suggesting that the existential purpose of the hockeymans in the net there is to stop pucks such that he is made of anti-puck material? Why not get a block of concrete? It does the same job, it’s made of puck-stopping material, it’s cheaper, and it has fewer brains to get scrambled when CCM’s kwality equipment fails. You can even mold concrete into a shape to sell logo’d ad space with! Just like they do with the real person!
But, you say, CCM isn’t the only company making hockey gear.
Fair enough. How about Bauer, which tells me to #OwntheMoment because the Game Starts Here. See, CCM? You’re fucking wrong. How the Game Starts with me browsing the Internet to find ridiculous marketing phrases tied to NHL contract hockeymans and thus to Canadiana I don’t know, seeing as how my relationship to hockey is about as sturdy as my relationship to Bhutanese citizenship is, but that’s for Bauer to grapple with.
Of course, both of these companies shilling ridiculously-expensives Made-in-China-and-thus-totally-safe-for-slamming-into-each-other-on-ice are prone to recalls. Who knew that using nonsense pump-up talk predicated on the idea that NHL contractors also use this shit isn’t the same thing as making decent equipment in the first place? Bauer got slammed with a recall less than a month ago with goalie masks; CCM has had sticks break, pads fail, and helmets burst almost yearly. Sorry Timmy, but that helmet was made of donkey-shit, so if Chuckie nails you your braincage is taking the hit directly. Hope you’re Made of Hockey (and Shutting the Door, because sense), Timmy!
Shit – maybe brain injuries make the adverts more palatable.