#75 – Crime Ministers, Part One Eh: Johnny Macdoofus, an Introduction

Welcome to what may or may not be a series – I haven’t figured out how to sort this shit. I’m going to go through every Canadian Prime Minister and deciding whether their legacies are falsehoods or merely ignored. We start with the genocidal corrupt drunk and Washingtonian figure in Canadian lore, Johnny Mac. The Scotsman brought Canada together in what in hindsight could only be called a prophetic way. His involvement in the Pacific Scandal saw his government fall (but, shockingly, not His Drunkenness), but it stitched BC and Manitoba to the East by way of nepotism, cruelty, genocidal bloodlust, and the aching bones of unregarded Chinese labor.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen. Canada starts off strong.

Which one of Johnny’s sins do we want to trace out? Ultimately, all of them, but before we do that we need to start by laying them out. Johnny is responsible for the Indian Act, the genocidal document that South Africa fell in love with during a dark time in her history; on top of that, he oversaw and encouraged the starvation of the Cree and other Indians as part of a disgusting mission to “Canadianize” them. This mission has never really stopped from Ottawa’s side. Macdonald’s corrupt building of the railway and fixation on trade barriers were both good ideas made stupid: the former was a catalyst to savagery and a tradition of handing money to big business interests that plagues Canada to this day, and the latter allowed American wealth to build Canada up from the inside, creating ultimately the concept of the branch plant economy.

For all of his failings, though, the man is worshipped in Canada by Canadians who know nothing of the country’s history. The blood-drenched ties of the Trans-Canada Railroad and the desperate attempt at claiming land that helped push the project along are ignored; the Indian Act involves Indians and therefore doesn’t matter to English Canada either. “He’s first, so he must be great” is the operant logic of English Canada regarding its first Criminal in Command. That John only managed to keep Nova Scotia in Canada through bribery and couldn’t even bribe Newfoundland into Canada is forgotten, as is the fact that John’s Tories openly paid off voters and would not close that particular loophole. Macdolan’s poor handling of the Riel Rebellion, his elections being open contests between American financiers on the Liberal side and the savage investors of the trans-Canada railroad project – nah, that stuff doesn’t matter. He’s first, so he’s amazing!

I’m thinking Johnny Macdoofus will score a four-part special series within the broader Crime Minister series. A guy this cartoonishly bad needs a thorough legacy check.

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