#70 – Sports and Weather, Part Five: Genocide Appreciation Day

English Canadians have a stupid national holiday and they celebrate it in the national capital like a bunch of idiots.

Genocide Appreciation Day (or Canada Day) is a day of abject misery. Do you like having an urban space invaded by tourists, drunks, and children? No? Well, fuck you – it’s Genocide Appreciation Day, bitches! And that means something to us because Canada! Never mind that national holidays require an actual nation in order to be meaningful; it’s Canada and it grew older YAY WHOO GET DRUNK!! The Quebecois, being an actual nation of people, have a normal sort of holiday in St. Jean-Baptiste. English Canadians, being no such thing, simply get wasted and stand around in gaggles of idiots staring at whatever Canada-laden surface is nearby.

And it isn’t good enough that Canada celebrates Genocide Appreciation Day – the rest of the world has to as well! The CBC stops playing at being a real news agency to bring you meaningless Canadiana from around the world on 1 July. That the rest of the world doesn’t care is immaterial to Canada, a fact that is heartily forgotten as English Canadian tourists unfurl Canadian flags and make asses of themselves the world over. The Canadian world stops on Canada Day so that everyone has a chance to partake in revisionism and feel-good fluff that has the unfortunate problem of being made of lies. Even the slightest criticality towards Canada in this context is useless and will only inspire gibbon-like chanting.

Of course, Canada has very little to actually be proud of. It can’t build 120,000 houses that the Indians needed yesterday, it can’t feed the North without causing dental problems; it doesn’t plan, doesn’t think, and doesn’t seem to really care where it’s going. Talent is squandered, resources wasted, and lives ruined by the very thing that we are “celebrating” with this attendance-practically-mandatory event. And not cheering is unacceptable, as drunks on their porches yell WHOO CANADA as you pass by and heckle if you fail to respond in kind. If I wanted to cheer for the national equivalent of driftwood I’d do so, dammit!

The suburbs, already being wastelands, opt to drive on antiquated road infrastructure to join the hooting masses because their homes are hellish holes where human interaction is almost impossible. Truly something to celebrate there! Hooray for poor planning! Hooray for a culture so banal and shit that it can think of nothing else to do but drink and make fools of itself! Hooray for ignoring the slaughter, the cruely, the sexual slavery, the starvation and the poverty and the anomie and the idiocy that made Canada the glorious pile of ass it is today! Never mind that Genocide Appreciation Day doesn’t mean anything or symbolize anything – it’s Canada, and that means it’s amazing.

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