Right, we’ve talked about the history of the anthem and how it is ultimately a sad lifting of French nationalism to serve English Canadian needs. Now we’re going to make fun of the fucking thing, line by line. Because fuck it, why not?
Our home and native land
Aaaand hold up. Our native land, eh? 22% of the population is first-generation immigrants (meaning that they were born in another country and make the unfortunate mistake of moving here). This is a country that perpetually brays about “diversity” and how tolerant it is…and right out of the gate the anthem excludes almost one-quarter of the population. There’s the even more obvious dig that the whole “native land” thing and specifically our collective refusal to meaningfully address that fact is an existential flaw in the entire concept of Canada, but that seems almost cheap.
What am I saying? This is fucking Canada – the whole thing is cheap, tawdry crap anyways. Next!
True Patriot love/
In all our sons’ command (alternatively, in all of us command)
Aaaaaand objection! The original iteration of the anthem didn’t have this whole “sons'” line, which was added presumably because of the militarism of World War One and since has vexed Canada’s pearl-clutching do-nothing lefty-wank fest to no end. Mauril Belanger, the former MP for Vanier in Ottawa fought tooth and nail to right the egregious wrong of women not being given equal responsibility in the anthem for running this dumpster fire into the ground. In the meantime Vanier was both sicker and less able to access healthcare than the rest of Ottawa. Good thing Belanger had his priorities straight!
With glowing hearts/
We see thee rise/
The True North Strong and Free
Ahahahahahaha!! I know, I know – the “true north” line comes from Tennyson, but I can think of a better line from the same poem that more accurately describes Canada, and which seems to me to aptly describe the British attitudes towards this wasteland:
“that true North whereof we lately heard
“A strain to shame us – ‘Keep you to yourselves;
“‘So loyal is too costly! Friends, your love
“‘Is but a burthen; loose the band and go.'”
So, not exactly lines that scream out “strong and free” so much as “costly and burdensome”, but, y’know. Same idea, right?Anyways, back to the anthem:
From far and wide/
Oh Canada, we stand on guard for thee
Now this is where we start really steaming my fuckin’ beans. I mean, “from far and wide” is…generally true, in the sense that the land that was to be saddled with the name Canada was invaded from far and wide by a pile of profiteers and losers. But it’s the whole “we stand on guard for thee” bit that really irks me. First off, why is it my fucking job as a citizen of this place to protect it? Why doesn’t it protect me? I mean, it’s pretty obvious that Canada sucks at doing self-protection, but it still pisses me off that I’m expected to sing not once, not twice, but three times about how I’ll go and stand about “guarding” Canada. I mean, if Canada can’t be assed to guard itself why the shit should I? Or is this a reference to how the British were about ready to abandon Canada, thus requiring random cakers to defend the place?
God keep our land/
Glorious and free/
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee/
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee
And there’s my answer regarding who and how we’re going to do any guarding with a moronic population of cakers. Apparently God’s gonna do it. At ease, Lt. Lovehandles! This section too has come into controversy over the years, but because Canada nothing has been done about it. And we end off as lazily as we began, continually demanding that caker defend Canada from unknown threats. I gotta say though, I love the sneaky transition from “natuve land” to “our land”. The only piece of honesty in this entire little ditty is this backhanded acknowledgement that this country stole Indigenous lands.
O, Canada indeed.