#59 – Ugh, Canada Part Two: No, Seriously, this Anthem is Dumb

Right, we’ve talked about the history of the anthem and how it is ultimately a sad lifting of French nationalism to serve English Canadian needs. Now we’re going to make fun of the fucking thing, line by line. Because fuck it, why not?

Oh Canada/
Our home and native land

Aaaand hold up. Our native land, eh? 22% of the population is first-generation immigrants (meaning that they were born in another country and make the unfortunate mistake of moving here). This is a country that perpetually brays about “diversity” and how tolerant it is…and right out of the gate the anthem excludes almost one-quarter of the population. There’s the even more obvious dig that the whole “native land” thing and specifically our collective refusal to meaningfully address that fact is an existential flaw in the entire concept of Canada, but that seems almost cheap.

What am I saying? This is fucking Canada – the whole thing is cheap, tawdry crap anyways. Next!

True Patriot love/
In all our sons’ command (alternatively, in all of us command)

Aaaaaand objection! The original iteration of the anthem didn’t have this whole “sons'” line, which was added presumably because of the militarism of World War One and since has vexed Canada’s pearl-clutching do-nothing lefty-wank fest to no end. Mauril Belanger, the former MP for Vanier in Ottawa fought tooth and nail to right the egregious wrong of women not being given equal responsibility in the anthem for running this dumpster fire into the ground. In the meantime Vanier was both sicker and less able to access healthcare than the rest of Ottawa. Good thing Belanger had his priorities straight!

With glowing hearts/
We see thee rise/
The True North Strong and Free

Ahahahahahaha!! I know, I know – the “true north” line comes from Tennyson, but I can think of a better line from the same poem that more accurately describes Canada, and which seems to me to aptly describe the British attitudes towards this wasteland:

“that true North whereof we lately heard
“A strain to shame us – ‘Keep you to yourselves;
“‘So loyal is too costly! Friends, your love
“‘Is but a burthen; loose the band and go.'”

So, not exactly lines that scream out “strong and free” so much as “costly and burdensome”, but, y’know. Same idea, right?Anyways, back to the anthem:

From far and wide/
Oh Canada, we stand on guard for thee

Now this is where we start really steaming my fuckin’ beans. I mean, “from far and wide” is…generally true, in the sense that the land that was to be saddled with the name Canada was invaded from far and wide by a pile of profiteers and losers. But it’s the whole “we stand on guard for thee” bit that really irks me. First off, why is it my fucking job as a citizen of this place to protect it? Why doesn’t it protect me? I mean, it’s pretty obvious that Canada sucks at doing self-protection, but it still pisses me off that I’m expected to sing not once, not twice, but three times about how I’ll go and stand about “guarding” Canada. I mean, if Canada can’t be assed to guard itself why the shit should I? Or is this a reference to how the British were about ready to abandon Canada, thus requiring random cakers to defend the place?

And on that note, how the fuck are the morbidly-obese, retarded, reactionary fucksticks that join the fucking Army going to stand on guard for anything besides their turn at the mess hall?

(S) Private Fatass here shows the “Guard Wall” tactic the anthem implores us to use

God keep our land/
Glorious and free/
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee/
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee

And there’s my answer regarding who and how we’re going to do any guarding with a moronic population of cakers. Apparently God’s gonna do it. At ease, Lt. Lovehandles! This section too has come into controversy over the years, but because Canada nothing has been done about it. And we end off as lazily as we began, continually demanding that caker defend Canada from unknown threats. I gotta say though, I love the sneaky transition from “native land” to “our land”. The only piece of honesty in this entire little ditty is this backhanded acknowledgement that this country stole Indigenous lands.

O, Canada indeed.



3 thoughts on “#59 – Ugh, Canada Part Two: No, Seriously, this Anthem is Dumb”

  1. As a Britwho departed his native English shores for a vast, desolate land that is either boiling to death or buried in snow at subarctic temperatures, I am horrified at the low standards, expectations and CHOSEN living conditions that the locals cherish and take great pride in. Sure there is some beautiful countryside here spoiler only by the building of slum-equivalent cities manufactured out of cardboard and sold for exorbitant amounts of failing Canadian dollars to morons that will not let the redneck pioneering spirit of half-arsed efforts die to enable them to move on (or attempt to at least) to an enriched life.

    When I first heard the Canadian anthem (at a hockey game where the spectators spent more time aimless wondering around, meeting up with friends and going back and forth to the umpteen different fast food chains selling meals unfit for human consumption and beer that was flat….than paying attention to what the kids were doing on the ice) yes the anthem….. I laughed uncontrollably! What a load of tosh! I don’t think the American accent helped but for over a year I was convinced that the lyrics were “we stand on God for thee”. I think it works better than the real lyrics though as the attitude seems to be I don’t give a f@@@, as long as I can rip up the countryside in my truck, bike, skidoo and shoot sh1t for no reason.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Martin!

      Thanks for commenting. You’re going to put me to shame with beautiful phrases like “vast, desolate land that is either boiling to death or buried in snow at subarctic temperatures, I am horrified at the low standards, expectations and CHOSEN living conditions that the locals cherish and take great pride in”, but hey – more evidence and more stories are always welcome.

      Would you be interested in writing a bit to warn the other denizens of Albion to avoid this Soviet bog of a pseudocountry? I’d be honored to host your story!

      Thanks for reading – Merry Christmas to you and yours!


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