#50 – Rob Fucking Ford

English Canada has a secret that it will never, ever live down.

Let’s go all the way back to the beginning of this blog, when I mentioned that English Canada is constantly demanding attention, but only on its terms. Rob Ford was such a case of English Canada’s worst nightmare; awkward secrets poking out and the rest of the world noticing and laughing. Rob Ford is the “caught-with-fly-down” moment that English Canada dreads with an existential fear.

Surely sentient flesh-being Rob Ford requires no real introduction, but let’s do it anyways. Rob Ford, who failed to understand that cities are not in fact occupied by cars, that streetcars serve an essential function, that unfunny attempts at racial mimickry tend to go down poorly, that drinking on the job is a bad idea, that perhaps *now* isn’t the best time to go visit your local crank dealer. That Rob Ford. Useless spawn of the useless English Canadian business class. He is the Jaden Smith of politics, a child trapped in a growing shell of a body elevated far beyond his stature by the wealth of his father. He and his brother offered neverending laughingstock for late-night TV, and why shouldn’t they? I mean, we laugh at seals balancing balls on their noses at waterparks, right?

The business side of this comes from their father, who started Deco Labels and Tags. Said company now struggles to even complete orders for its grocery-tags and the bulk of the company’s success has moved to Chicago, potentially because leaving chimpanzees in control of assets with the ability to affect other peoples’ lives is a bad idea. The politics of the family is a laughable mix at playing as “one of the gang” with all the efficacy of a chipmunk running with wolves and a rabid reactionary streak so powerful that even basic feats of logic like providing funding gets sucked into an intellectual void. They are a social and political scab on the arse that is Ontario.

So what does English Canada do with this lot of losers, a patchwork of people who would happily chuck the electorate under a bus and hold them back years? The father, Doug Ford Sr., played at politics in the Harris government until Mr. Harris downsized him during the reduction in Ontario ridings. Doug Jr. took over Rob’s mayoral campaign and despite being a totally different person still managed to claim a shameful chunk of ballots. And Robbie – well, Robbie Ford is now on the Board of the Hockey Hall of Fame.

Yes. After nuking a city from orbit with your poor administrative skills and drunken idiocy, the right course of action is to give him another responsibility on the grounds that he really liked hockey as mayor. Good work, guys. Absolute genius.

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