#48 – Sports and Weather, Part Four: Temperance Through Bullshit

English Canada is so shitty that it can ruin the institution of the pub with hockey.

It does this in a most remarkable way. Recalling that English Canadians are fundamentally unable to enjoy food or the relaxation that is incumbent to eating a good meal with good people (“zegellig”, as the Dutch say it), any excuse to fill a space with empty, faux-chummy noise is taken with abandon. Like a sort of social vaporwave, English Canadian cities with teams in the NHL playoffs will thus have every pub in town consistently playing The Game on television so as to ensure that no serious conversation or indeed any kind of meaningful interaction can take place.

The link between consuming alcohol, purchasing logo’d gear, and any Canadian city being passed into the final round of a globally insignificant sporting league is obviously that it siphons money from its viewers through a strange sort of urban patriotism. Never mind that the players are from elsewhere and move away as soon as there’s more money somewhere else (or they simply get sent there like pawns on a chessboard), the team owner is more likely than not a faceless corporate entity run by the useless English Canadian business class, and the stadium is sponsored by a company headquartered miles and miles away. City pride means that you have to care about how The Team is doing in The Playoffs because one word in The Team’s name happens to match with the city they infest. Woo hoo!

That aside, the real problem here is that City Pride means that The Game will reliably be shown at any bar or pub whenever it’s on. This is a problem for people like me, who care about the NHL as much as the average Chinese person does and would prefer to have pride in a city for its functionality and ability to provide a high quality of life as opposed to the one that can Hungry Hungry Hippo enough Russkies, Anglo-Canadian Hockey Knights (the penultimate form of the Hockey Squire), and Finns into town. To avoid the fell horror of English Canada’s obnoxious and ridiculous habit of going out and getting plastered because The Team is playing The Game against some other Russo/American mix of contract skaters based in San Jose or whatever is to plan ahead – the antithesis of the point behind the pub experience.

This means that I have to look at the playoff schedule to ensure that I am not making the fatal mistake of stepping into the hellish abandon that is English Canadian drunks. Would you like to enjoy a quiet night with a friend and a few pints? Fuck you, guy – that’s un-Canadian and doesn’t Respect This House or whatever brain-crushing mouthfart of a catchphrase The Team’s PR department has created.

Go team! Just don’t win or you’ll cause a riot.

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