#47 – AMERIKKKA, Part Five: Shooty-mans

English Canadians believe that the United States is policed by thugs.

Recent attention on a number of high-profile crimes committed by active members of the policing service in the United States has resulted in a huge wave of holier-than-thou smugness in English Canada. Unlike those DUM MERIKKKANS who reach for their guns, Canada is a land where the police hand out temporary tattoos and pose for photos. See how wonderful Canada is, I was asked in reality-based reality, that our police can be trusted to not shoot us? Except when they do, of course, but that isn’t as bad as in AMERIKKKA.

Another thing that Canada’s Royal Canadian Mountain Canadian Police from Canada do is not solving unsolved cases. We’ve gone over the 1200 dead indigenous women whose end has remained unexamined since 1980 before here. The popular response that ‘dem dumb injins (who are not as dumb as DUM MERIKKKANS but certainly nowhere near as bright as English Canadians) got drunk and…I dunno. Who cares, eh?’ has yet another problem tucked behind its curtain – if it isn’t actually solving cases and doesn’t really care about ones that it could be working on, what does the RCMP do?

Well, as it turns out, they’ve been practising their James Bond routines and spying on those who would offend the Job Fairy by criticising The Magic Pipeline. They handed a cool $1.6m to RoBellUs in exchange for data that they are legally barred from having. Such evil tyrants as Rita McNeil and Tommy Douglas were valiantly spied upon as well, saving us from absolutely nothing. They even created a special group, adorably called the JIG, to harass and violate the rights of Indian bands. Constitutionally-protected rights that haven’t been properly defined yet due to cowardice? Good thing the RCMP stamped on those!

So Canada’s Royal Canadian Mountain Canadian Police from Canada have a few days at play-sneakery? DUM MERIKKKANS are so encumbered by security that they can’t even watch hockey without the gummint knowing! Of course, the racial and political motivations of the CRCMCPfC’s attempts at sneakery (which sucked so hard that we found them, which is sort of like having a houseguest beat you at hide-and-seek) don’t matter! I, for one, am glad that the primary policing service for the vast majority of Canada’s provinces is busy sucking at sneakery rather than solving cases. I mean, really – real crimes are lame compared to pretend ones. And who needs policing anyways?

Says the country with a stream of battered Indian women washing up in rivers.

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