#31 – The Magical World of Caker Papers

Immigration and its foibles are among some of Canada’s most closely-guarded revisionist histories. Canada’s governing traditions, which are closely associated to its pseudo-nobility couples with Canada’s extractive economic impetus to produce a nigh-constant need for fresh blood and talent. The upshot of this is that Canada has since inception encouraged an underclass to move to this country. Migrants are historically lied to, lured to this hellhole by promises of land or a chance to use one’s labor, and for their efforts receive not only physical pain but serious mental strain and depression.

What’s novel about immigration in Canada is that it serves as the host for so many revisionist defenses of Canada as a country. For those on the left, the misery and toil of the average migrant is relegated to mindless identity politics or ignored in favor of some good old fashioned self-aggrandizement on the basis of Canada being “accepting”. For the right, immigrants are the perfect scapegoats to blame declining services and a failing economy on. In both cases the sanctity of Canada is protected; the leftist sees the struggles of the engineer-cum-Tim-Horton’s cashier as merely one facet of a global conspiracy, and the right harkens to some imagined time when Canada wasn’t shit by claiming that immigrants somehow “changed” Canada for the worse.

The topic of immigration will come up often on this blog because of how wrapped in revisionism the concept is to the caker conception of Canada. To be blunt there is just so much to work with that one post would never cut it. To avoid this post being nothing more than an introduction to how shitty Canada is to migrants, let’s grab one of the right’s favorite memes about people suckered into moving here and use it to bludgeon Canada. Let’s call this trope the “Anchor-Caker Complex”.

(S) Here’s an anchor surrounded by cakers. Close enough.

At the core of the anchor-caker complex is the mythology that people who have no intention of living in Canada collect Canadian citizenship so as to have a means to evacuate the country that they actually live in should the shit hit the fan. The term “Canadians of convenience” was coined by MP Garth Turner, who was upset by his made-up number (fun fact, Garth – $85M divided by 15,000 comes to about $5,667 per evacuee, not $75,000) as to the costs associated with evacuating Canadian citizens from Lebanon in 2006. To make a side-note here, isn’t that just so polite and civil of Canada? We’re here to help the world…unless that costs money, in which case the world can fucking burn. Ain’t spending my Timmies money on icky foreigners.

My real upset isn’t that Garth doesn’t like how readily we hand out caker papers. I think fewer people should be exposed to this toxic cesspit, so naturally I’m all for fewer cakers and fewer caker papers. But the implicit undertone of Garth’s assertion (that is, that Canada is a competent country that foreigners would want to treat as little more than an insurance policy), is of course absolute nonsense. First off, actually getting caker papers is fucking expensive (the link here is just the amount of money that a migrant needs to have on-hand to even begin the application process; there are hundreds, if not thousands of dollars of attendant fees to be paid as the paperwork is shit through the gross organs of Citizenship and Immigration Canada). It also takes a fucking long-ass time and is ferociously annoying. Oh, and did I mention that you also have to actually live in Canada for two years to keep your residency status?

So obviously caker papers are not worth investing in unless you plan on making the life-changing mistake of actually moving here. And that’s not to mention that your “insurance country” is still going to charge you for evacuation and could very easily end up doing a piss-poor job. The thought that someone would opt for years of Brazil-esque bureaucratic fuckery in hopes of paying for a badly-managed evacuation is laughable. Passports aren’t Pokémon cards, shits-for-brains.



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