In a country that devalues education and regards academic achievement as a mental pox, relegating the highly-educated to poverty, unemployment, and desperation in a flimsy, unproductive colonial economy it’s no surprise that cakers make for shitty students. Starting from a young age Canadians have a high chance of being semi-literate – how, then, do Canadians “lead the world” (according to the unfailing word of Pravda) in higher education? The answer is simple – our universities are shit, designed exclusively to mill idiots through sadsack interpretations of higher education by way of debt and misrepresentation of what a degree from a caker university means. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Let’s start with the coven of stupidity that is the Canadian student population.
It’s no secret that Canada has a drinking problem fuelled by boredom and a lack of anything better to do. That problem extends onto Canada’s caker campuses to such a degree that Macleans magazine catalogs the top 20 (!!) schools where the ancient traditions of scholarship and critical thought have been supplanted by idiotic binge-drinking and rabble-rousing. That a country of 30 million has a list that large in the first place should be a alarm ringing as loudly as the finale of the fucking 1812 Overture, but cakers will retort with some essentialist garbage about how “everyone parties”. What’s particularly shitty too is that people want to go to party schools because having fun is more important than, you know, actually learning anything about the paperwork these kids are buying.
You know what else students from others countries do? Fucking study. Or indeed give anything resembling a fuck about academics. Students doing undergraduate degrees can’t fucking write, which is something I can personally attest to having made some spare change trying to tutor people in my undergrad. They also have little to nothing in the way of critical thinking skills, both because of apathy and because high schools instead pile meaningless information into students’ brains without bothering to teach them how to parse that data. Shockingly, a group of bored, detached students who never cared to and never did learn any better are useless to employers who need students to be able to, say, think and write at something beyond an eighth-grade level. At the University of Waterloo over a third can’t pass a simple English class. A Potemkin education? In Canada? Say it ain’t so!
And then there’s student politics, a morass of horrible uselessness that takes the noble concept of a union and launches into a black hole of uselessness. It takes fucking effort to fail at running a bar on campus, but dozens of schools find themselves unable to perform even this simple task. Over in Newfoundland Memorial University’s student union blew $300,000 bringing Snoop Dogg to their dismal hole of a city – in the context of rampant student poverty clearly there’s nowhere better to pour mandatory student fees! And despite proclaiming themselves as bastions of human rights student unions are notoriously bad for stifling freedom of speech under the oh-so-typical banner suggesting that hearing shitty opinions might turn innocent students into pumpkins. I was actually living in Ottawa when it was decided by the student unions of that dismal Soviet heap that cystic fibrosis was a white man’s disease and thus it was something-ist to fundraise for its treatment.
Torn between mindless, thoughtless activism and pitiful displays of intellectual ineptitude the caker student is a prime example of the kinds of idiocy promoted and coddled by caker culture on campus. Unable to meaningfully present educated opinions for thoughtful consideration, the caker student resorts to brainless screaming and chanting of lines and refrains they found on Tumblr or reddit while they muddle and fail their way to a pointless piece of paper that at any rate leaves them mired in poverty. Is it any wonder Canada fails to get any better at critical thought with idiots like these playing at academia between bouts of Internet slacktivism?