Sports are of course one of the approved topics of conversation in English Canada. To ask your average caker Canadians winning at a sport reflects the glory of Canada. of course, when the Canadians are losing the topic should only be broached by way of clicking disapproval for people who are trying their best in a field of competition that they obviously enjoy. Canadian athletes aren’t worth the caker’s time to talk about unless they’re winning, and when they are winning cakers respond with nationalistic dribbling and feigned interest in a sport they barely knew existed until maplewank got involved.
Individual competitors and teams who previously were completely unknown suddenly become the bearers of national pride whenever they’re wearing caker-colors and competing on an international stage because celebrating capable people is obviously far less important than mindless yay-Canada splooging. They will continue to be half-remembered until we reach the point when they either lose and are forgotten instantly or win, whereupon the CBC puts out a piece proclaiming the glory of Canada before the actual victor is disappeared. The span in between those two points of blissful ignorance is home to some of English Canada’s most banal conversations – idiots pretending that they’ve always cared about a sport that Team Canada is doing tolerably at.
The CBC in particular is notorious for stoking nationalist fires with coverage of sports that nobody cares about save for the few weeks every four years that the Olympics are on. The flag-waving during the Olympics is absolutely nuts and leads the vapid population of this dump to cheerlead and chant for medals as if the Olympics are an indication of national merit or indeed represent anything more than an individual or a team doing well against their peers. To those who would suggest that medal counts are an indication of anything postive about a country recall that medals were regularly used as propaganda by East Germany and the Soviet Union. Good company to be in for sure.
And that’s just the Olympics. Don’t you worry – there’s always a chance for caker-chatter to be bent by jingoistic media into pained conversations about sport without the Olympics. In North American sport the “Canadian” team is an instant crowd favorite and the media endlessly brays about how they carry the nation with them if they ever achieve anything. Don’t believe me? The Globe and Mail referred to the 2015 Jays making the postseason in baseball last year as a glorious event for the country. There’s certainly nothing wrong with Toronto being excited that it has a shot at another World Series. But what the fuck does Vancouver or Halifax have to do with how the Jays are doing? But because the Jays are the only MLB team in Canada the success of the Jays becomes evidence of Canadian potential and the Jays get to become the hope of a nation as expressed in maudlin idiocy.
What this means for conversation is a near-lethal dose of conversational knuckle-dragging. Do you care about whatever sport Canada is hyping this time? No? Well then fuck you – here are dozens of opinions recycled from the CBC by people with various gaps in their literacy. Should it not be of some concern that tennis player Milos Raonic chose to play for Canada and has said that he might consider not doing so if the pressure gets to be too much? Or that golfer Mike Weir’s Masters win didn’t translate into a newfound popularity for that sport despite that being the narrative presented as a justification for rabid flag-waving?
Those are both potentially interesting points of conversation about why and how Canada expects individuals to perform in the world of sports, but Molson doesn’t make ads about meaningful conversation so it’s off to the caker-races waving the flag around whenever someone wearing a maple leaf does something. Why walk about the state of the country when you can use sports to cover it up?