#21 – Tim Horton’s Brown Sludge Water™, Part 2: King Tim

Consumptive Canadiana is one of the most viscreal displays of caker nationalism, and few are champions of that trait more than the nasty bastards behind Tim Horton’s Brown Sludge Water Product. They’ve inveigled themselves into the caker consciousness to such a degree that even the national broadcaster effectively advertises for them. This of course perpetuates the perception that Tim Horton’s and its Brazilian-American parent company is a touchstone of Canadian identity that deserves special recognition despite serving up shitty wages that domestic Canadians won’t work for, poor treatment of foreign workers who were misguided into coming here, and ill-conceived growth in locations and menu size that relies on the continued import of poor people. These are values that cakers claim to abhor; is it really kosher to have the CBC singing Tim’s praises?

Before we begin, let’s remind ourselves of the CBC’s mandate:

“…the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, as the national public broadcaster, should provide radio and television services incorporating a wide range of programming that informs, enlightens and entertains;

…the programming provided by the Corporation should:

  1. be predominantly and distinctively Canadian, reflect Canada and its regions to national and regional audiences, while serving the special needs of those regions,
  2. actively contribute to the flow and exchange of cultural expression,
  3. be in English and in French, reflecting the different needs and circumstances of each official language community, including the particular needs and circumstances of English and French linguistic minorities,
  4. strive to be of equivalent quality in English and French,
  5. contribute to shared national consciousness and identity,
  6. be made available throughout Canada by the most appropriate and efficient means and as resources become available for the purpose, and
  7. reflect the multicultural and multiracial nature of Canada.”

Let’s play a game with this. It’s called “Where’s the Mandate?”, and the prize is a deep sense of shame and disgust. Round one: what does the headline “Tim Hortons lineup on Christmas Day at least 100 cars long in Truro“contribute to “[informing], [enlightening], and [entertaining]” Canadians? I’m pretty sure the state of the Tim Hortons in a podunk Maritime hole isn’t information that I needed, thanks. And before a caker does this, you don’t want to have to lean on the line “but it’s Canadian!!” because the business conforms in no way to your other claims of “progressive Canada“. Put it this way – do you really want your identity associated with terrible labor conditions, bad food, poor urban form, and globalization?

Here’s thing number two, coming from YouTube. The post is entitled “Refugee family checks out Tim Hortons for the first time“. This could not be less useful footage – it’s just people standing in a suburban dump of a building gearning and praising Canada. And the irony is that this kid’s folks could well end up working in one of these shitholes where they’ll soon learn of the “safety” that comes from not making enough money to progress in society. “Hello Canada” indeed.

But what about white people, says the reactionary flubberguts that usually frequent Tim Hortons? How about this one, which gets a bonus punch of consumptive Canadiana in the form of hockeymans nonsense: “Tim Hortons wedding: Hockey-mad Alberta couple brew up very Canadian vows“. That’s not news, assholes – that’s boring people making regrettable choices. Again, why is it okay that the national broadcaster is telling you what to call Canadian? Is that not more than a little bit bush-league Pravda crap? Oh, and yes – cakers are really this retarded that they think getting married in a fast-food joint is worthy of national news. This is not an isolated incident. And while we’re at it why the fuck is dogsledding to Tims a “Canadian” mode of transportation to a Tim Hortons? Most Tims I go to look like this:

(s) What, you mean you aren’t proud of sitting in a metal box waiting for a metallic coffee?

The mythology of Tim Hortons is one of consumptive Canadiana. The company plays up its Canadiana through marketing but in reality is just one more inferior car-centric fast-food chain on the wrong side of history. Whether they’re giggling about hockeymans or using Tim Hortons as a set-piece to make-believe about how loving and tolerant cakers are (go back and look at the dislikes on the YouTube video of the refugees enjoying being regarded as akin to parrots in a zoo if you doubt how loving Canada is), the CBC uses Tim Hortons to contruct an ersatz nationality. As always, the shadowy guys in suits win and cakers are deluded further into drinking shit as well as eating and living in it.

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