#18 – The All-Knowing Caker

Cakers have a big problem when some of their own go somewhere that isn’t Florida, Arizona, or the Caribbean and discover that the rest of the world is leaving Canada in its dust. Easily-used transit, delicious culinary attitudes, reasonably-priced product, and genuine displays of culture are all the sorts of things that could crack a caker and could even force a modicum of critical thought. Why is it legal for Canadian cheese to be artifically colored when other cultures take pride in producing product with superior techniques and still sell the product at a reasonable price? Why does Canada have obtuse regulations on poultry that prevent access to other kinds of chicken while the rest of the world uses what’s on hand to make delicious dishes?

Presented with these glaring realities, the caker will fidget his little mental tumblers about until he retorts with an answer: but it has problems too! Of course, no system is perfect, but that’s not where the caker is going. Any imperfection real or imagined about a system instantly disqualifies it from consideration; where imperfections aren’t obvious mysterious intangibles appear to make the obviously-superior efforts of others the equal of Canada’s half-assed approach. The caker needs no evidence or even really a coherent complaint to make this claim. The French have a superior rail system? Oh yeah, well they pay higher taxes you guys! They can’t even afford lifted pickups and snowmobiles because they’re just drowning in taxes!

(s) Give me truck balls or give me death, evil gubmint mans!

These false equivalences allow cakers to pretend that their systems are acceptable. The result of this is an argumentative tennis game with an intellectual brick wall. The caker doesn’t care about your claims or stats or articles you’ve read on the subject, because the caker honestly believes that if an idea is of any merit Canada has already adopted it and that the adoption is flawless. There’s got to be an excuse for Canada! In the same way as Canadians love their antiquated, shitty healthcare system they have no mercy for anything that could suggest cakers are still living in the wrong century. There is infinite leniency for caker-projects but when evaluating other places cakers suddenly become authoritative tongue-cluckers shaking their heads and decrying problems they can’t be assed to actually verify even exist.

Words like “balance” sneak into the caker’s pleas for Canada. Sure, Canada’s prisons are garbage – but those Norwegians so unbalanced by focusing on success rather than cost or feels! The caker way is the balanced way, where idiotic feels and obvious need are balanced to produce half-assed infrastrucure at half-assed prices. When you use a steaming piece of gorilla shit as a counterweight all you’ve done is shit on your scale. The balance non-argument is just another way for half-baked caker logic to put its thumb on the scale and make Canada’s second-world disasters look acceptable.

This is different than the other form of denial cakers love, the “it’ll never work here”, because the goal isn’t to merely shoot down an idea but rather to equate Canada’s lumpy attempts at half-assed progress as equal to the actual accomplishments of more accomplished countries. Switzerland has superior roads despite being in the fucking Alps?  Ah, they probably pay more taxes or something so Canada’s just as good! France has a better healthcare system? Yeah, but they’re rude meaniepants because one of them chastised Timmy the Hockey Squire for being a shit while we were in Paris so it’s the same! Doesn’t have to be related, doesn’t have to be true, and it certainly doesn’t need to be researched. Cakers know that CANADA IS BEST, therefore strawmen and make-believe are totally acceptable forms of defense!

This is breathily delivered in its laziest form by the phrase, “it’s the same everywhere”. Except that it fucking isn’t, you silt-brained ass clown. This is probably the ultimate manifestation of the caker’s ahistoricical outlook; it globalizes the caker’s lack of awareness about things that happened before they were born and deals with events that cannot be reduced to  WHOO CANADA by pretending that they were of no consequence. Perhaps the Swiss experience of not being a colonial power and living in the fucking mountains caused them to develop different cultural norms and ideas than the former colonial superpower France? Dare I suggest that Estonians and Finns have different needs than Spaniards and Italians?

But ah, fuck it. Sand off the stuff that makes places interesting and informative because Canada has none of that and if Canada can’t be interesting and liveable than nowhere can!


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