#16 – A Trivial Take on Canada’s Place in the World

Cakers have an odd predisposition to find anything related to Canada in events that have nothing to do with the country. The second some maple-stink wafts from a project or an idea that has global interest Canada rushes into action to try and make the story about itself. Because Canada has no meaningful place in the world outside of its resources and general ability to conduct negotiations and sign treaties, these efforts frequently devolve into comically-irrelevant trivia derailing conversations about the actual thing itself.

The conversation usually starts simply enough with two people trying to discuss an event without shitting their pants. Lacking any sort of thought on the matter itself and without wanting to appear idiotic, one person invariably will mention that the latest blockbuster hit set in “Metropolis” was actually filmed in Canada. Whoa! Amazing! You mean that Canadian cities are nondescript and can stand in for others at a moment’s notice? Can we talk about about weird and kind of…oh, no. We’re on to hockeymans blather now, apparently.

(s) I bet Toronto is proud to have hosted this movie.

Heaven help you if a blockbuster is filmed in Canada – you’ll inevitably get to hear that totally irrelevant bit of trivia at every turn. What would actually impress me a lot more is if the city played itself – you know, demonstrating that a global audience could appreciate a narrative actually happening in Toronto.

But that’s not the only form of trivial self-attachment associated with Canada. Cakers have a bizarre relationship with tennis wherein the sport matters as much as a discarded condom until a Canadian gets somewhere near the semifinals of an international contest. Then it becomes a patriotic duty to pretend to give a shit about a sport that had previously meant nothing to them and that invariably wanes when the Canadian loses. Golf is another one, which at least provides me with some malicious amusement in that anyone joining the bandwagon gets to experience the profound boredom of watching golf. If the Toronto Blue Jays or the Toronto Raptors (the only teams of their kind in Canada) make it into the postseason the team instantly becomes a vehicle for Canada to desperately play at importance vis-á-vis America. What Americans take as sport cakers take to be an epic contest to prove the superiority of Canada. I pity the fans of both teams who get to deal with bandwaggoners, because the Jays are a really solid team that I can respect (though Rogers, their owner, can die in a hole) and the Raptors…well, they’re a basketball team. I don’t know much about basketball.

But merely annoying people within Canada by blathering about unimportant trivia as opposed to actually talking about the thing at hand isn’t enough for cakers. Time to export your love of cakertown to the uncaring world by way of trivial displays of consumerism! Canadians love to wear their flag about when travelling to showcase that they in fact are Canadian. And rather than being interested in the world around them cakers would rather share meaningless tripe. Check out this hideous display of consumptive Canadiana where Molson tells cakers to reveal that they’ve got their passports on their person in the name of getting a free bottle of beer that is undoubtedly vastly inferior to anything on offer in a local pub. Who wants meaningful cultural exchange? Certainly not Canada, not least since cakers have nothing in that department to offer in the first place.

Yes, this is supposed to be a proud, nationalist experience for Canadians. You know why Australians don’t wander about with a Foster’s free fridge? I suspect it’s because Aussies understand that Australia doesn’t have to bare idiotic displays of overdone nationalism abroad and that it doesn’t have to be attached to everything and anything currently in the news. In other words, Australians aren’t insecure chumps trying to show their commitment to their home by shoving noxious clichés into the civilized world in hopes of deluding themselves into believing that they matter.

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