#7 – AmeriKKKa, Part One: Murricans r Mor Dummber

English Canadians love to compare themselves to Americans, though they won’t do so honestly.

Cakers need to believe that they are unique and special, that Canada is some sort of globally-beloved star child where bad things don’t happen and where the maple syrup flows freely. The best way to do this is to compare Canada to its southern neighbor, because in reality English Canada is almost entirely sympatico with the United States and most Canadians can very easily be considered Americans. Admitting that means that Canada would have to do something to fix the problem, which is clearly verboten. Actual comparisons tend not to shine well on Canada – the American economy is more diverse, generally has access to better-paying work and  vastly cheaper consumer goods, and contains the same natural beauty as Canada only more readily accessed. Faced with those two horrors, the caker’s brain takes action in the only way it can – by stereotyping Americans are boorish idiots. AmeriKKKans, if you will. The newly dumbed-down America is then unfavorably compared to Canada along specific axes and through a revisionist lens, and voila! Canada is more differenter and betterer than AmeriKKKa!

The first and most basic thing about AmeriKKKa is that its citizens are dumb. Like, flat-out dumb. What’s that about Harvard, MIT, Yale, Stanford, UCLA – nah, fuck that shit. That doesn’t fit the narrative. Going from the bloodiest war on the continent to landing a man on the Moon in the same time as Canada went from being an extraction-based economy to being a larger extraction-based economy but with more bitching provinces? That’s not in line with AmeriKKKa. Better assume that AmeriKKKa is entirely populated by the contestants on shitty reality shows. Yeah, that’s much better! No books on Season 13 of “Chuck or Fuck”!

Before long, Canada’s insecurity seeps through like rancid ooze and the country devolves to even less fair mockery. Enter professional caker and worthless Laurentian bobblehead Rick Mercer, here to cake it up for us! Canada laughed uproariously when Rick convinced random Americans that Jean Poutine was the Prime Minister of Canada. The logical conclusion to draw from this – that Canada doesn’t matter to Americans and that a Mexican comedian could do the same exact thing in Canada – is obviously only for meanie poopieheads. So we’d better use it as more proof that AmeriKKKans are dumb.

The irony of this lowbrow and obviously-stupid comedy routine is that Rick Mercer is one of few Canadian comedians who didn’t run to the States as soon as they got famous. In fact, a hell of a lot of wealthy Canadians run to American when they want medical attention or when they really want to expand their careers.  Canada’s elites tend to even go to school either in America or Britain. Our governing elites are Ivy League or Oxbridge and their kids will be too, even if Daddy has to buy the Kennedy School a fucking gold-plated gymnasium to do it.

Why? Because of the pretige and talent of America, which is so dangerous to Canadian national sentiment that at every turn America must be recast as AmeriKKKa so that cakers can be smug shitlords about feigned cultural differences. We can’t admit to needing to learn from our closest partner! That would mean work, like the work Americans put in to make their country. Fuck that.

One thought on “#7 – AmeriKKKa, Part One: Murricans r Mor Dummber”

  1. i have a friend who was a student at a canadian university, and the prof totally dissed her alma mater undergrad to the other students saying that american schools are inferior academically and intellectually than canadian schools. in front of her. know where my friend went? to smith college. this dumb f*&k prof whered he go to school? university of bc or some schlock. canadians (and i mean the white ones) are generally (in my experience) pompous assholes with a flaming inferiority complex who feel the need to constantly try to beat out the USA when (and you are so right about this), they are essentially cheap knock-offs, culturally speaking, of americans except without the charisma, character, ballsiness, or game. whats their claim to fame? that they are “polite” (actually this is a false politness, it tracks back to their sense of inferiority; its like a really poor person buying a really expensive pair of sunglasses). that they are “friendly” (oh, so THAT is what passes for friendly in canada?). that they have “hockey”. *yawn*, boooooring….gimme the good ole usa any day

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