#6 – “Sorry” That I’m a Dick Without Balls

Cakers love saying sorry, but they rarely tend to actually mean it when they say it.

The word sorry is one of Canada’s most annoying stereotypes. It’s supposed to be taken as a sign that Canadians are polite but it’s actually largely a passive-aggressive statement denoting frustration, irritation, confusion, or a lack of attention. Caker society is both deeply petty and promotes an attitude of extreme entitlement, meaning that the slightest perceived inconvenience is read as a deep, abiding insult. Cakers hold legendary grudges and lack the maturity to talk about problems, but they also have a national stereotype of politeness that they use to define themselves as not-AmeriKKKa. Since cakers love nothing more than inventing differences between themselves and Americans the result of this toxic milleu is “sorry”.

Usually, the “sorry” is coupled with a bit of a giggle, a huffy accent to a passive-aggressive statement. But rarely do cakers actually speak their minds and say what’s bothering them in a cool, mature way. The two emotional modes of the English Canadian are forced-mellow bro-friend and explosive, childish temper-tantrums. The place between those two is the word sorry, which sounds vaguely like but in no way actually resembles the common grounds of politeness and tact that Canadians claim desperately to have. In a way the tee-hee sorry ideal that Canadians espouse is a coward’s way to be demanding without actually needing the guts to speak to another human being.

The word sorry in Canada has because of this almost lost its far more important function in the English language – to apologize. The non-pology, where someone claims to ask forgiveness but demonstrates no cognition as to what they did wrong or interest in righting the situation is a constant in politics. It’s also a constant in Canada. Did that person’s “sorry” for knocking your arm and spilling hot coffee on your hand mean “whoops” or “fuck you”? It can be hard to tell. For some, the instinct is probably to apologize themselves as a sort of protective bubble of assumed fault without actually feeling a sense of fault in the slightest. The fakery of the first “sorry” spreads memetically to another, where it manifests as frequent apologies of dubious origin that in turn confuse someone else.

What’s so wrong about being direct again? Why is this fakery something that gets posted over and over again on the Internet to rave reviews? Tee-hee-hee, we can’t speak our minds or express our emotions so we all mumble apologies and fume at one another! Oh, right. It’s because saying your piece and risking being perceived as rude is *gasp* the AmeriKKKan way. Americans aren’t self-absorbed enough to think that everyone has to like them. They accept that they are a certain way and they try to surround themselves with others. While American society is hardly flawless it is certainly a relief to know what people are thinking instead of having to guess which iteration of the passive-aggressive sorry they’re using. Clarity is for losers – guesswork and cowardice are clearly the better way forward!


3 thoughts on “#6 – “Sorry” That I’m a Dick Without Balls”

  1. Been reading your “shit.” It’s hilariously funny and spot-on most of the time.
    I came to Canada when I was 12 years old from north western Europe and not because I wanted to. I still blame my father for this most egregious of errors, rest his soul. Almost 40 years later I still hate it here. After trying hard to find something to like about Canada and Canadians, I think I’ve given up. Yes, if I say this to a caker, I will get the old “Why don’t you go back then?” attitude, which in some way I can understand, but then on the other hand why is it Canadians can’t take an objective look at themselves and their ‘culture’? There are lots and lots of other immigrants in this country who agree with me on this and there are plenty who do leave.
    Why can’t Cakers have honest discussions with each other? Why, when voicing an opinion that may fly in the face of political correctness, but that is otherwise rational and sound, do Canadians lower their eyes, go quiet and move on to the next topic or get childishly angry? It’s also really hard to make a good friend here. Cakers say you are their friend when they have barely known you for five minutes. In Europe, a distinction is made between a true friend and an acquaintance, but not here. Everyone’s your ‘friend’, which means that no-one here really ever has any true friends and most of them can’t be relied on for much.
    And just what is Canadian culture anyway? Most of them wouldn’t know culture if it came up and bit them in the ass. This also has to be one of the most disorganized ‘first world’ countries out there. You get the feeling that things are not done with proper planning and consideration, but by trial and error (mostly error). But keep feeling superior, by all means…


  2. Australians, like Americans speak their minds. As an Aussie that’s been living in Cakegary for the last four years —a place I believe exemplifies one of the greatest concentrations of all the behaviours you call out— this site is sometimes the only way to remind myself that my perceptions of Canadian society are accurate. Especially here where all the locals have their heads shoved right up their asses about how amazing this cultureless, soviet-esque “City” is. It’s been bloody hell trying to sustain a meaningful relationship with anybody here, friends or otherwise, because you’re not aloud to be direct about, or question anything. That ideology of politeness (aka repressed rage) has muted everybody for so long they now silence each other. This place needs an uprising but will never get one out of the shitizenry’s concern for the government’s feewings. I have dual citizenship here, but I think once I go home I might actually renounce my status. Keep speaking the truth and publish that book if you can. This country needs a fucken shake-up.


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