#10 – #NotAllCanadians

Cakers proclaim loudly their commitment to national unity only to renege in favor of blaming others for widespread problems.

This textbook form of Canadian apologism tries to nullify problems by assigning blame or pointing to exceptions found in other elements of the Canadian federation. Upon hearing that Canada is concrete hellscape the caker will respond with something to the ends of “well, move to Vancouver”, as if skyrocketing costs of living there aren’t a bit of a problem for that plan. Even if Vancouver does have a functional design why does that preclude the rest of Canada from working halfway decently? And the answer to that is to assign blame to someone else.

Usually the blame is assigned to whatever side of English Canada is in federal office. Harper “only” represents westerners despite having a sizeable majority of his MPs coming from outside of that province. Quebec is being whiny about language rights. Alberta has to subsidize the Maritimes. The west is killing the environment and wholly occupied by fat-cat losers who want to destroy Canada. The more ridiculous the pantomime of an area in Canada the better – the goal is to preserve the sanctity of Canada by faulting one region for the country’s shortcomings, not to make honest account of the country. Doing that would be far too frightening and could scare up ways that we could improve ourselves. Can’t have that when we can whine and whinge and wheeze about how mean the other guy is!

At higher levels this system of blaming others allows for some truly astonishing make-believe. Are you foolishly blowing through your oil money? No problem – it’s Ottawa’s fault because Quebec did something! Is the budget not giving you those greenwashing vibes you so crave? Never mind the viciously-polluting Chemical Valley or nasty foresting operations – blame Alberta! Want to demand better unemployment insurance benefits but unwilling to pay into the program? Just blame the Maritimes for taking too much and not “pulling themselves up by their bootstraps” and you too can join the fray! It’s so easy to avoid doing anything to improve within your own when the other guys in a totally different area are holding you back because reasons. The provinces are notorious for not agreeing to anything, causing a neverending babbling shouting match whenever initiatives are started, and caker culture is emblematic of the pass-the-buck mentality exhibited through the provinces and their conversations.

Trying to assign blame for the failings of a mediocre system on a specific group using that system is a shitty way to think. Is it the fault of people on one side of town that your bus is constantly late on the other side, or is that a sign that the system needs improvement? The obvious and most desirable answer is clear, but caker laziness means that empty bitching is the tactic du jour. Oh, and no matter what part of English Canada you’re from, there’s one guaranteed inferiority complex that you and any erstwhile English Canadian friend can hate hand-in-hand: the French.

A country built on slagging the guys next door is a powerful and bold statement of Canadian unity.

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