#1 – Canadians

Canada is a place that most of the world doesn’t think about very much. This fact is probably the most terrifying reality that English Canada can imagine, so Anglo-Canadians try to overdo it with the yokel-but-not-really stereotypes so that they can pretend that the rest of the world cares about them. As can be expected in such a mediocre place, Canadians put on a performance about on par with an 8th-grade recorder concert at one of Canada’s many shitty public schools.

Speaking of schooling, here’s a part of Canadian history that few people remember. In the early days after World War Two, Canada was even more restrictive than it is now. Being white, rich, and a dude wasn’t sufficient to be considered a “respectable human” – you also couldn’t come from icky loser countries like Germany or Italy. The Italians, being a fiery sort who love food immediately took issue with the English-Canadian diet and indeed the Canadian way of life, which they saw as bland, unpalatable, and restrictive. They invented our Vorpal Word with which to cut down the Canadian Jabberwocky, and that word is mangiacake – “cake-eaters”, or cakers. And so the English Canadian was titled “caker”, to distinguish them from Indigenous or Francophone communities.

Cakers love deluding themselves into thinking that working a dull job and living in formless, debt-inducing tract housing tacked to formless, unwalkable cities constitutes “the good life”. In fact, as we’ll see, Canadians and their cities are lifeless and devoid of substance. Canada’s economic realities are oligarchic, her literacy skills frightfully low, and her grievous crimes against humanity unremembered. Canadians have no history and no interest in history – the whole country is a palimpsest, capable of being scratched and rewritten to suit any commercial or civic narrative. Noting real problems results in having concerns ignored, minimized, or reacted to with a profound venom from a people who claim to be decent, intelligent, and humane.

And that, my newfound friends, is reason number one for leaving Canada. There is a soft-repression here caused by the immense defensiveness of a country that considers being chill a national trait, and I won’t have it. In my travels through this collective of suburbs I’ve encoutered others who also hate it here. It’s a wonderful feeling to find a like mind, to let loose without fear of losing friends or opportunities, and I’d like to share that feeling with other Canadians who don’t toe the national line.

I’d also like to provide a counterpoint to the millions of dollars of Canadian propaganda distributed internationally. If even one person from abroad reads these screeds and decides to skip Cakertown the whole project will have been worth it many times over. In the year that this blog has been running I’ve had thousands of views from around the world and it is my fondest hope that people who are questioning this place find footing to base their thoughts on here.

The rules are simple – if it’s shit and it’s in Canada, it’ll end up here. There are no punches pulled, no holds barred, and no excuses accepted. It’s time to stomp some cakers!

Allons-y!

6 thoughts on “#1 – Canadians”

  1. “Noting real problems results in having concerns ignored, minimized, or reacted to with a profound venom from a people who claim to be decent, intelligent, and humane.”

    Yup, that’s exactly what I ran into on the topic of child sexual abuse in Canada.

    There are so many horrific examples backing up Theo Fleury referring to that country as “Disneyland for Pedophiles” – a statement which received the support and agreement of thousands of Canadians. I felt so sad reading a comment by a victim of the frequently convicted-and-released child rapist Peter Whitmore stating “How could my country let this happen to me?” The answer is of course all over your site.

    Because I’ve refused to even set foot in that country for more than five years now, I’m finding it harder to feel the same disgust for the widespread smug hypocrisy that I used to. It’s simply harder to care. Still, although there are of course some truly great and terrific Canadians who don’t deserve to be tarred with too wide a brush, there are also too many Canadians in extreme need of a reality check about their insufferably smug, surprisingly conformist, often less-than-functional, and dumbed-down pseudo-utopia. Though I think you should give more credit whenever credit is due, overall I thank you for your work exhaustively writing out said check (cheque?) from Eh to Zee er Zed or whatever.

    Don’t know if you’d take this as a compliment or not, but by the Cordelia principle, you actually strike me as quite a loyal Canadian!

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    1. Thanks for writing, Disappointed Canadian! That makes two of us for the disappointment catalog. I don’t know if you’ve heard Paul Gilmartin’s interview with Theo Fleury; if you haven’t (and you’re able to tolerate yet more conversation about pedophilia), I highly recommend it. Link below:

      http://mentalpod.com/archives/4147

      As regards giving credit to Canadians I’m still working on a way to do that without deviating from the primary goal of this site, which is to shine light on Canadian failures. There’s a segment that I’ve written before called “Starve the Soul, Feed the Ego” where I talk about great Canadians and how their legacies are downplayed or ignored. That said I’ve left it to lie for a long while as I do research about every province. I will definitely take your criticism on board and I thank you for taking the time to read what I’ve written!

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  2. Thanks for the Theo Fleury interview link and for considering my criticism but I gave your four case studies a closer read and may retract it. Looking back at past advocacy against child sexual abuse back in Canada, an overly conciliatory approach probably blunted extent of effectiveness. I guess my concern was that being too antagonistic might shut off communication, but then as noted, with too much watering down you can’t light a fire.

    I think it’s possible your site could go mainstream or at least mainstream-ish, so after you finish up the provinces I’m guessing you might make site navigation a bit easier. I take it your running for office isn’t happening, but there should certainly be an interview or two somewhere noticeable about this well-researched go-to reference for ANTI-COMPLACENCY. When that happens, please post! – and keep up the great work.

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    1. I’m definitely looking to make the site easier to navigate. There’s a course on WordPress on Lynda that I’ve been listening to and I hope that it will help me get more organized.

      I appreciate the vote of confidence in this blog! Honestly I have been hugely encouraged by the response; I think there’s a major need for a space where serious criticism of Canada can happen without having to respond to tired apologism again and again.

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  3. Just wondering why you stay in Canada if you hate it. I don’t mean that as the typical defensive Canadian, “so leave then!” Just wondering your reason for staying.

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    1. That’s not a bad question, and the answer revolves around the cost of moving and the difficulties of getting out. I’m trying to survive, learning more hireable skills, and when I’m able to getting hired abroad.

      The goal is absolutely to abandon Canada once I have the kind of resume that gets me out.

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